$Awesome. C&C from the man himself. Long time no see, DB. Good to
hear from you again.
On 9/14/07, DB Sommer <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:
>
>
> Nugar wrote:
>
> >
> >
> >
> > Black and Blue Lagoon
> >
> >
>
> % A lemon with Revy? Ohhh, that can be dangerous. Sort of like mating
> with a pissed off porcupine... that shoots guns
$And drinks. And chain smokes.
> > "Hey, you! Yeah, you, you bastard! You better start cowering
> >properly or I'm gonna shoot you in the balls!" Revy snarled.
> >
> >
>
> % Saw the dub at Otakon. I admit, I love her perpetual swearing.
> Tarentino is probably taking notes.
$I haven't seen the dub yet. I did kind of enjoy her heavily accented
english in the fansub, though.
>
>
> > From his position on the rail of the captured freighter The Grace of
> >God,
> >
>
> % I'm thinkng the ship names needs single quotes or something around them.
$I don't think that's how you're supposed to do it. I really don't
know, though.
>
>
> > He shrugged. "It looks like it was all there, but if it's not,
> >there's not much we can do about it. Those crates are the only cargo
> >aboard the whole ship." He paused, looking up at the dangling crates
> >as the ship's crane lifted them. "It's strange, even given the cargo,
> >its
> >
>
> % it's
>
$Used your spelling and grammar corrections, naturally. I'm sort of
irritated that there were so many, I mean, this was kinda short. I'm
better than this. Though, when I wrote this, I was also a year and a
half out of practice, so maybe that has something to do with it.
>
> >wasteful to make a trip under loaded.
> >
>
> % under-loaded (I think)
>
$Again, not sure. Probably works either way, but it looks like I
actually know the rules of hyphenation if I use that, so I'll go with
your suggestion.
>
>
> > Axes. Who in the hell tried to kill people with an axe?
> >
>
> % The 'cleaner' chick used a chain saw, which is even more unwieldy.
$Yeah. And she failed miserably.
>
> > Guns
> >worked. They weren't new. They were a hell of a lot easier to use,
> >and a lot more reliable than an axe. You pointed a gun at someone,
> >you pulled the trigger, they died.
> >
>
> % Hmm. I am a touch surprised she's this derisive of them, at least if
> she isn't vocalizing it (ie impressing Rock). After all,the Bangkok
> whore was good with her knives, and Revy got obsessed about going out of
> her way to killi the Yak who could slice bullets with a sword.
$True. But those people were trained, experienced killers. And even
Shenhua got shot by Eda, who, by Revy's own words, is a third rate
gunman. (Probably better than that, honestly, but Revy fears and
respects Balalaika, and Eda is only a peer.)
>
> >
> > The Exocet was doing
> >
>
> % going, I think
$My accent is creeping into my writing.
>
>
> > At first the Black Lagoon hesitated, straining against the ropes
> >holding it to the doomed freighter. But for piracy purposes, Dutch
> >never used ropes stronger than he had to,
> >
>
> % Smart man.
$They make some sort of breakaway carabiner, which is probably what
he'd use, but I couldn't find the right information on it to describe
it properly. So I took an easy out.
>
>
> >
> > "Revy! Rock!" Dutch hollered into his radio, sparing an eye for his
> >radar. Neither answered.
> >
> > "Dutch!" Benny called. "I think I got a line on that ship! It's
> > Thai Navy!"
> >
> > "Shit!" Dutch cursed. "It must have been escorting the freighter!
> >
> >
>
> % And they waited that long to intercede? Seems odd.
>
$Pay no attention to that plot hole under the rug. Move along, move along.
>
> >Have you seen Revy or Rock?"
> >
> > "No, wasn't Revy on the bridge?" There was worry in his voice.
> >
> > "SHIT!" Dutch yelled.
> >
> > But he didn't turn around.
> >
> >
>
> % Nope. He can come back later if they're alive. Better than sinking and
> sharing their current fate.
>
$He's a practical man.
> >
> > He didn't know what it was made of, some sort of plastic, or maybe
> >just really strong styrofoam, but it didn't crumble when he grabbed
> >it, and it didn't buckle when he kick-dragged Revy's unconscious body
> >on top of it. It was barely wider than she was, shorter by a foot
> >and a calf,
> >
>
> % half, although if he meant her leg, it is a neat descriptor.
>
$Yeah, it was deliberate. A little whimsy in my writing to liven up
an otherwise plain and functional style.
>
> > but at some length he was able to get Revy into position
> >
> >
>
> % In a lemon, that is a loaded phrase.
>
$Heh, some of the people who read this on another forum expressed
concern around this point. A lemon fic, with Revy unconcious most of
the story?
But Rock is a gentleman, and would never act inappropriately towards
an injured lady.
Or Revy, either.
>
> >long enough for her to puke the remaining water out.
> >
> > He glanced around in alarm at the fifteen or twenty surviving crew
> >members, each doing their best to get their own makeshift life raft,
> >
> >
>
> % liferaft is one word, I think
$Word didn't like it, so I made it two. But then, Word 2007 has been
pretty retarded. I spell checked this, and it still missed lightning,
plus it goes unstable sometimes.
>
>
> > Getting his unconscious friend flat on her back
> >
>
> % I see he is prepping her for the lemon section of the story. :)
$Yes, but then this would have had an altogether different tone. I
was actually surprised at myself. For the past ten months, I've been
rather dark and depressed, rather more inclined to read drama or dark
fics ever since the incident last Thanksgiving, but this fic sparked
good memories and turned into something quite a bit gentler and more
romantic than I would have expected.
Which is also why it barely rates a lemon tag. Adding more smut would
have cheapened it.
>
>
> >grouping together with the biggest bits of floating debris.
> >
> > His ever present neck tie
> >
>
> % necktie is one word as well, methinks
$Sounds good.
>
>
> > served as a makeshift bandage to stanch
> >
>
> % staunch, isn't it?
$Staunch supporter, stanch a wound. I believe.
>
> > Strangely, Rock felt no fear, waiting patiently to see if death would
> >overlook him again.
> >
> > "This job gets weirder every day," he said with a kind of bitter
> > humor.
> >
> >
>
> % Nah, sharks feasting on survivors in chummed waters is as old as time.
> Not weird at all. Perfectly natural when compared to the lolicon
> assassins, acid dropped drivers, and of course, terminator maids.
$True, but there were TWO lolicon assasins, everyone in Roanpur drives
like they're tripping, and... Okay, Roberta was weird. But this is
the first time he's listened to an entire freighter crew be eaten by
sharks.
>
> > Worse, even, she'd been out of the water the whole time, exposed to
> >the direct sun, while everything but his head, arms, and shoulders was
> >below the surface, and often underneath the board as he floated.
> >Plus, he wore more clothes than she did.
> >
>
> % most strippers wear more than she does.
$At least she does occasionally put on a flak vest for combat ops.
>
>
> > There was a long pause, and finally the other man exploded into
> > curses.
> >
> > "THE FUCKING PIRATES? YOU ASSHOLES THAT SANK OUR SHIP ARE STILL
> >ALIVE?! I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU, BITCH!"
> >
> > "…shit," Rock said quietly.
> >
> >
>
> % Rock needs to say he still has a gun, but is willing to let him live
> since killing him would be a waste of bullets.
$Probably wouldn't stop the guy. Of course, Rock is tired and not
thinking properly. If he'd had any sense at all, he'd have shot the
guy before he even got close enough to threaten Revy.
>
> > Rock watched him sink, unable to see the regret and compassion in his
> >own eyes.
> >
> > People kill with all sorts of eyes.
> >
> >
>
> % Not that it makes the victim any less dead. :)
>
$Yeah.
>
> > Oddly, it was not the hardest thing in the world to do. There was
> >nothing sexual about it,
> >
>
> % Unless you're into scat, it is a mood killer.
>
$If I get around to doing some sort of sequel with a new plot, I plan
on having Rock, Revy, and Dutch walk into some sort of pervert's
playhouse, with all sorts of bizzare stuff going on all around them.
Revy is kind of surprised, Dutch is blase, but has a snarky comment,
and Rock just kind of walks through. 'What? I'm a Japanese
businessman.'
>
> >
> > The great thing about where they were at in the Philippines was that
> >there were a lot of islands. This handy feature was outweighed by how
> >little boat traffic there was, which was none, and the unfortunate
> >fact that the ocean currents swirled around the islands and did not
> >actually hit them.
> >
> >
>
> % Heh. Nice passage.
$I hate breaking the perfectly emotionless delivery of the narrative,
but I did anyway. The cursing, the general tone, it was all very
experiemental for me.
>
> > Breathe!
> >
> > Then the wind picked up, clouds blotted out the moon, and it started
> >to rain like a motherfucker.
> >
> >
>
> % Fresh water is more important right now.
$Yeah, but you can drown in a severe enough rainstorm.
>
> >was worth, didn't know all this. His opinion of the tropical storm
> >was less than complimentary, since the swells kept threatening to tip
> >them all over, he was having a hard enough time breathing himself and
> >was worried sick about Revy drowning in the rain and spray, and every
> >now and then his skin prickled in a way that he just knew was
> >lightening
> >
>
> % lightning
>
$How in the HELL did my spellcheck and read through miss these?
>
> >hitting way too god damned close. Plus he was seasick as
> >hell, but even the most determined retching couldn't bring up more
> >than a bit of bile and water
> >
>
> % Food poisoning left me like that once. Not pleasent, no sir. Not at all
>
$Yeah. I'm pretty... adventurous... in the culinary feilds, and
I've had more than my fair share of food poisoning. It sucks every
time.
>
> > Okay, he felt like shit.
> >
>
> % Better to feel like shit on land rather than open ocean.
$Better still to not feel like shit.
>
>
> > Rock had one himself, a little pen knife handy for cutting bits of
> >line or shipping container seals, but he hadn't sharpened it in a
> >month or better. Revy, on the other hand, usually carried around some
> >sort of bigger pocket knife, one that only had a single blade.
> >Mostly, she used it to clean her fingernails, and sometimes slice open
> >a carton of cigarettes.
> >
> >
>
> % Never to attack people, though, since that was what guns were for.
$No kidding. You can usually actually BEAT someone to death with an
empty gun easier than you can stab them to death with a knife. Knives
are tools. Guns are weapons.
Of course, when I go into a bank or something and have to leave my
pistol out in the truck, you can bet your ass I have a good knife in
my pocket.
>
> >sides that would
> >probably be hard to climb. They tended to be black and rocky, and
> >probably would tear through his battered shoes if he climbed, to say
> >nothing of his unprotected hands.
> >
> >
>
> % Well, there was also Tom Hanks, but he was in as helpless a situation
> they were. Besides, Rock thought he was overrated as an actor. Scholari
> carried him in Bosom Buddies.
$Kept wanting to make a cast away joke, but nothing came to mind. I'm
also a big fan of Survivorman, but he doesn't have any catchphrases to
parody.
>
> >
> > The next day, he woke up with a grim expression.
> >
> > Today was the day he was going to get that fucking shark.
> >
> >
>
> % Ah, nothing like man deciding he needs to kill what made him feel fear. :)
$That's one of the most human things to do there is. If it makes you
afraid, kill it.
>
> > Revy was sitting against a palm tree, watching him silently as he
> > approached.
> >
> >
>
> % Yeah, that was probably quite the sight.
$I would imagine. Quite at odds to her usual view of Rock, hence her
finally giving him some. And she'd probably have woken up earlier if
he'd had the sense to shoot a gun somewhere around her.
>
> > "Revy!" he gasped, dropping the shark's tail and running forward.
> >
> >
>
> % Revy: Got a smoke?
$This fic was in no way sponsored by any tobacco interests. Really.
>
> > He laughed and rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah, well, you should
> >have seen the one that got away."
> >
> >
>
> % Heh
>
$Yeah, it's funny he feels safe getting back in the water, when tiger
sharks are actually pretty prone to wander, and the one he killed was
smaller than the one that scared the hell out of him.
> > "Yeah?"
> >
> > "I think I pissed myself."
> >
> > Nodding, Rock glanced back at the shark, then at Revy. "Yeah, yeah,
> >I think I did, too."
> >
> >
>
> % Double, heh
>
$Rock is a gentleman. If a lady is embarassed, he, too, will be embarassed.
> > Rock's eyes widened as he watched her. Revy hadn't been wearing a
> >bra, often didn't, in fact, though her breasts remained almost
> >defiantly perky despite that tendency. A lot of her shirts had built
> >in support, something he didn't know. And while he'd seen her nude a
> >great deal over the past week, it was somehow different when she took
> >her shirt off herself.
> >
> >
>
> % Some sense of it being conscenual, yep.
>
$Yeah. Funny how willing participation makes things better.
> >The thunder and rain hit roughly the same time, but the wind was
> >blowing so hard the rain was horizontal, and mostly hit the side of
> >the mountain. They reached the shelter provided by the cut in the
> >mountain shortly after, looking around in the gloom. Lightening
> >
> >
>
> % Lightning
>
$Damnit!
>
> > It wasn't that she didn't sound normal. She just didn't sound normal
> >for lately.
> >
> >
>
> % drop 'for'
>
$...okay, but how do I emphasize the way her personality had changed around him?
> > Her shaking eased. Maybe she was just cold and tired. He really
> >wanted to kiss her, to make it all better.
> >
> > So he did, on her temple.
> >
> >
>
> %That will either make her happy or him dead
>
$I doubt she'd kill him over a kiss. Break his arm, maybe. Bust his
lip, certainly. But not kill.
> > Revy gave him a cross eyed look, staring mostly at the surprising
> >thing in her mouth. She sucked gently on it as he applied the flame,
> >and was rewarded with a thing stream of harsh, but much missed, smoke.
> >
> > "I love you," she mumbled around the cigarette.
> >
> > He laughed. "That's just because I give you cigarettes."
> >
> >
>
> % Yep. Pretty much it.
>
$Doesn't make her statement any less sincere. And, honestly, can you
see her saying those words in any other situation?
> > But the middle aged chinese gentleman on the back picked up a
> >battered looking bullhorn and yelled "Boss Chang sends greetings!" in
> >heavily accented english.
> >
> > "Took 'em long enough," Revy spat. "I'm kicking Dutch in the balls
> >when I get a chance."
> >
> > Rock just laughed nervously.
> >
> >
>
> % Alas. To all good things, though I wonder if Revy would continue
> letting him get some play, since he's at the least someone that can help
> with the occasional itch.
>
$As much as possible, for any future Black Lagoon fic I might do,
they're a couple. A disfunctional couple with more issues than a
stack of readers digest, but a couple none the less.
> >
> >
> > "Damn it, Dutch, did you have to take a fucking month to find us?"
> >Revy raged, though she cut her tirade off abruptly when he pressed a
> >cold Heineken into her hands. Then she was too busy gulping the brew
> >to bitch.
> >
> >
>
> % Heh. he probably just saved his balls.
$He knows the way her mind works.
>
> > "I hope you enjoyed your tropical vacation," Dutch continued. "We've
> >got another job."
> >
> > "Another job?" Revy asked incredulously. "Already? Dammit, Dutch,
> >can't I at least get a shower and a decent meal?"
> >
> > "Beanie weenies in the galley, hose on the deck," he replied,
> >deadpan.
> >
> %heh
>
$Loved that line.
>
> > "But I don't expect you to rough it completely." He tapped
> >a cardboard box, and two cigarettes leapt out like an invitation.
> >
> > Revy shook her head firmly. "Oh hell no, running out of cigarettes
> >on that damned island was the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
> >I don't ever want to go through that again."
> >
> > "If we start again, we might have to quit again," Rock admitted, as
> >if it was a private terror.
> >
> > Dutch raised one eyebrow.
> >
> >
> >
> > "…GIVE!" they both cried at once, fighting for a smoke.
> >
> >
>
> % Heh. True to their nature, they are
>
$Can't imagine them NOT smoking, really. And I like a good cigar
every now and then myself.
> >
> > Eh? Eh? Why don't you anti tobacco people stick THAT in your pipe
> >and smoke it? ^_^ Now I'm gonna go have a cigar and a beer on my
> >back porch and listen to the crickets.
> >
> >
> >
>
> %heh. Very nice work. enjoyed it immensly, and it's great to see BL
> fics. Lemon scene was nicely done, built up credibly and believably.
> Outstanding work.
$Thanks. I try. There's not a whole lot of Black Lagoon fics out
there. I've seen a couple on Fanfiction.net a while back, but none of
them were very good. I know ONE other guy who's written a pretty good
BL fic, also a lemon, and that's it.
Perhaps you need to step up and make an improvement in the genre.
Quite frankly, I like Black Lagoon. It's my favorite series in recent
memory. I'm kinda sad that more people haven't written good stuff for
it. Of course, as a scary redneck gun enthusiast, I also just like
gun pr0n.
Thanks for the comments!
-Nugar
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