A little brusque there, weren't you, Miashara? Some good feedback, yes, but aren't you just a tad confrontational about it?
Also, some of your points were, well, a little wrong. Miashara wrote >>The fluorescent tubes, held in fixtures of three each, were inset at > inserted Um, no. "Inset" means "recessed". "Inserted" is more of a process, the past tense of an action, whereas "inset" is a static descriptive. >>Rei turned the page of her book. "This could be a problem." she > stated. > > problem," she > > and you might want to change turned to returned Why? She's turning a page, not returning to the book -- she's never stopped reading during the conversation. > By the way, I also liked that. A lot of people get into long, drawn out > explanations of how the characters learn the names of stuff. I don't > really care. Ermine=Hisame. Good. Done. It may also indicate that not all of his memory is obliterated, given that his internal narrative automatically retrieved the name. Yes, I know Shinji isn't a first-person narrator, but we're viewing his thoughts, for the most part, from a third-person (semi-?) omniscient viewpoint. Then again, it may just be the third-person narrator remembering the ermine's name from the first chapter. <grin> >>"This is Central Dogma, NERV headquarters," Ritsuko said, as a set of > reinforced interlocking doors opened with the silent whoose of > > The silent what? Probably meant "whoosh" there. > Gott in himmel you punctuate a lot. Better too much than not enough, in my humble opinion as a reader *and* as a writer. I'd rather have too many breaks than the sentence that ate Cincinnati. >>"We can't make you do it against your will," Ritsuko said calmly. > "You're free to leave if you want to." > But as we mentioned before, you will be shot. Or at least shot *at.* Can't make it seem too easy, after all. -- Bob =========================================================================== Bob Schroeck http://www.eclipse.net/~rms [EMAIL PROTECTED] =========================================================================== Then the horns kicked in... ...and my shoes began to squeak. =========================================================================== --- .-------Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List--------. | Administrators - [EMAIL PROTECTED] | | Unsubscribing - [EMAIL PROTECTED] | | Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject | `------------ FAQ URL coming soon.... -------------'
