--- F R E N D Z of martian --- This made me laugh.... Blue -----Original Message----- From: Woody <woody@ To: Blue :-> <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> Date: 17 August 1999 00:53 Subject: Startrek - What if Lt Data ran on Windows 95? > >What if Lieutenant Data ran on Windows 95? > >WORF: "Captain, three Romulan 'warbird' class battlecruisers >decloaking dead ahead." > >PICARD: "On screen." > >[The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each >only a single pixel wide.] > >PICARD: "Data, what's wrong here?" > >DATA: "Captain, the main view-screen does not have sufficient video >memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select >a lower resolution?" > >PICARD: "Make it so." > >[The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square >pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan >warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space >Invaders.] > >PICARD: "Data, open a hailing channel to the lead Romulan vessel." > >DATA: "Aye, sir." > >[Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, >and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons >on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of >light comes from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.] > >WORF: "Incoming photon torpedo Captain, we're under attack. Romulan vessels >locking weapons !" > >PICARD: "Shields up!" > >DATA: "I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your >last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before >you issue your next command." > >PICARD: "What the hell do you mean?" > >Data, this is important! I want those f***ing shields up right now. > >DATA: "I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete >your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished >before you issue your next command." > >LAFORGE: "Allow me, Captain." [to Data] "Control-Alt-Delete, Data." > >[Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the >floor.] > >DATA: "The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel >and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this communications channel >which is not responding. You will lose any >information sent by the Romulans." > >[LaForge pulls Data's left ear.] > >PICARD: "Shields... > >[There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all >the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts >from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away >from the console.] > >PICARD: ... up, Data!" > >DATA: " Aye, sir." > >RIKER: "All decks, damage report!" > >WORF: "Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be >unconscious." > >[Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and >punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the >hourglass back on the floor.] > >DATA: "Shields are now up, Captain." > >PICARD: "That's right Mr Data, close the barn door after the horse >has bolted. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead Romulan ship, standby >to fire." > >WORF: "Aye, sir." > >[With great joy, he punches buttons on the weapons console, his trigger >happy finger just itching to push the tit] > >PICARD: "Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action." > >DATA: "I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver >installed for that console." > >PICARD: "Well, damn it, install the right one.My God !" > >DATA: "Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril." > >PICARD: "Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?" > >RIKER: "I left them with Geordi." > >LAFORGE: [in a surprised voice] "What!!? I thought you still had >them!" > >PICARD: "Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal >memory?" > >DATA: "Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right >nostril." > >PICARD: "Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant #1." > >DATA: "Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?" > >PICARD: "Abort!" > >DATA: "Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?" > >PICARD: "Well, fail then!" > >DATA: "Current nose is no longer valid." > >[Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship >lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side >of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming >from somewhere else in the ship.] > >LAFORGE: [alarmed] "Data, what the hell are you doing?" > >PICARD: "Number One quickly, do we have a customer service number for Data?" > >RIKER: "Yes sir; but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold for two >hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person wasn't knowledgeable >about androids of Data's model. She specialized in >industrial control robots." > >[Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the usual >noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few seconds, the red >emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the >console, absolutely motionless.] > >PICARD: "What's going on?" > >LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] "Lieutenant Data has caused a >General Protection Violation in the warp engine core." > >PICARD: "These androids look really sharp, but you can't rely on them >to do anything." > >[The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in >full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a >Ferengi, appears moments later.] > >FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] "Can I interest you in a >PowerMacintosh, Captain?" > > > > > >___________________________________________________________________________ _____ >This message has been checked for all known viruses by the Star Screening System >http://academy.star.co.uk/public/virustats.htm -- Sent to you via the frendz list at marsbard.com The archive is at http://www.mail-archive.com/[email protected]/
