R.A.W.'s Page of Jokes,
Limericks, and Off-Color Tales
Updated August 7, 1999
There was a young fellow named Skinner
Who took a cute blonde out to dinner
They sat down to dine
At quarter to nine
And at quarter to ten it was in 'er
(The dinner, not Skinner!
Skinner was in 'er before dinner.)
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he
found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper
in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make
this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside
the machine. "I just need one copy."
MAKE YOUR ANSWERING MACHINE LIVELIER!
Suggestion #1
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
D.A.R.E. to Keep Kids Off Eggs
[To the best of my knowledge and belief, the Libertarian Party did not invent this story as a satire
or hoax. The government really does intend to "protect"
us from egg abuse.]
NEWS FROM THE LIBERTARIAN PARTY
2600 Virginia Avenue, NW, Suite 100
Washington DC 20037
World Wide Web: http://www.lp.org/
WASHINGTON, DC -- A new federal plan to require a
cigarette-style health warning on egg cartons --
that's right: egg cartons! -- proves that
government bureaucrats think Americans are too
dumb to boil an egg.
And that's no yolk.
"The eggheads in Washington, DC have gone too
far," charged Bill Winter, Director of
Communications for the Libertarian Party. "This
new regulation -- which assumes that Americans
can't cook breakfast without instructions from the
FDA -- shows what happens when bureaucrats'
judgment has been fried, scrambled, and poached by
too much power."
This month, the Food and Drug Administration
announced that it wants to require all egg cartons
to carry a new warning label, which will lecture
consumers about the danger of improperly cooked
eggs.
The label would read: "For your protection: Keep
eggs refrigerated; cook eggs until yolks are firm;
and cook foods containing eggs thoroughly."
The President's Council on Food Safety is also
getting into the act: It has announced it will
come up with its own "strategic plan" to control
egg safety by November 1.
MAKE YOUR ANSWERING MACHINE LIVELIER!
Suggestion #2
The number you have reached is imaginary.
Please divide by the square root of
minus one and dial again.
I once balled the wife of the dean
Seven times while the dean was out ski'in'
She remarked with some gaiety
"Not bad for the laity --
But the Bishop once managed thirteen!"
1990s cultural note:
"I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I
leave the house?"
MAKE YOUR ANSWERING MACHINE LIVELIER!
Suggestion #3
Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave
me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
The Top 15 Signs Your Dog Has Been Replaced By a Robot Dog
15. No longer has any problem typing. In fact, he's posted
naked pictures of your cat on the Web.
14. "Fetch!" "I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave."
13. Refuses to pee on Al Gore out of professional courtesy.
12. Playful "mailman's here" yap replaced by maniacal
paw-flapping "Warning, Jim Rosenberg, Warning!"
11. Shorts out every time he licks himself.
10. After he's mangled in a terrible explosion, his one-armed
torso still pursues the mailman.
9. Routinely kicks your sorry Mensa ass at chess.
8. When you fake throwing a ball for him to fetch, you hear,
"Projectile Analysis Module reports error Division By
Zero -- Aborting!"
7. He not only chases cars, he catches them, drags them back,
and buries them in the front yard.
6. Pages you when little Timmy falls down the old well.
5. Frequently eats documents left lying around the house,
presses tail into phone jack, and leaves you with
expensive long-distance phone bills to China.
4. Three words: "Yo quiero Pennzoil."
3. Tell-tale oil stains when he drags his butt across the carpet.
2. No longer wants to hump your leg, but your vacuum cleaner is
pregnant.
...and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Dog Has Been Replaced By a
Robot Dog...
1. Run-in with the invisible fence makes for the greatest
Fourth of July spectacle the town's ever seen.
This list copyright 1999 by Chris White
The Top 5 List [EMAIL PROTECTED] http://www.topfive.com
A horny young priest of Peoria
Lived in ecstatic euphoria
He had lots of fun
Fucking a nun
While chanting the Sanctus and Gloria
The Magnificent Oscar
A Few Lesser-Known Gems from Oscar Fingal O'Flaherty Wills Wilde
There are two ways of disliking poetry. The first is to
just dislike it; the other is to read Alexander Pope.
Are the commentators on Hamlet really mad
or only pretending to be mad?
Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most
people exist, that is all.
Art should never try to be popular.
The public should try to make itself artistic.
Disobedience was the Original Virtue.
"I" AM ALSO A "YOU"
--bumper sticker in Big Sur
MAKE YOUR ANSWERING MACHINE LIVELIER!
Suggestion #4
Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
There was a young guy from Australia
Who went on a wild bachanalia
He buggered a hog
And two goats and a dog
And a bishop in High Church regalia
FEAR AND LOATHING IN WASHINGTON
From the London Times 09-July-1999
FROM DAMIAN WHITWORTH
IN WASHINGTON
known as the "anything but intercourse" approach to
sex. There are that oral sex is becoming so
commonplace among young American teenagers that it is
regarded as standard behaviour.
In one recent incident, the head teacher of a school in a
Washington suburb that a dozen girls of
13 and 14 had been having oral sex with two or three
male pupils. When one girl was confronted by her parents,
she shrugged and said: "What's the big deal? President
Clinton did it."
During the Lewinsky scandal there was a national debate
about how much children should know about sex and how
the explicit acts described in the Starr report should be
explained to the curious. The phrase "oral sex" became
widely used in the media, rather than a euphemism.
Sexual health are . "I've been teaching in
schools for 30 years. I am receiving an increasing number
of inquiries about incidents of oral sex among young
adolescents, at parties and occasionally at school. Kids
are not just asking about oral sex anymore; some are
doing it," said Deborah Roffman, a consultant working in
the Washington area.
The links between Mr Clinton's behaviour and the trends
have yet to be proved and experts believe that fears of
pregnancy and AIDS are other factors in popularising oral
sex among teenagers.
"It's now the expected minimum behaviour. The kids say if
you are not going to have sex, at least do this," said
Michael Schaffer, a health education supervisor.
MAKE YOUR ANSWERING MACHINE LIVELIER!
Suggestion #5
This is the FBI. You have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and may be used
against you.
You can't fight city hall but you can for goddam sure blow it up
--George Carlin
There was a young fellow named Tupper
Who took a cute red-head to supper
They sat down to dine
At quarter to nine
And at quarter to ten it was up'er
(Not the supper! And not even Tupper--
It was that son of a bitch named Skinner again!)
Got a funny-bone trigger, a knee-slapper, a bawdy ballad, or nugget o' yuk to share with Bob? Send it to The Management and we'll be sure to pass it through the proper channels!
