Git-Url: http://git.frugalware.org/gitweb/gitweb.cgi?p=frugalware-current.git;a=commitdiff;h=14387ce87648504c05e0b49ba85e90ee9523d3ea
commit 14387ce87648504c05e0b49ba85e90ee9523d3ea Author: crazy <[email protected]> Date: Wed Nov 18 03:08:21 2015 +0100 fortune-mod-montypython-20121030-1-x86_64 - removed - orphaned / old package -> [ Slown ] diff --git a/source/games-extra/fortune-mod-montypython/FrugalBuild b/source/games-extra/fortune-mod-montypython/FrugalBuild deleted file mode 100644 index 2b5b323..0000000 --- a/source/games-extra/fortune-mod-montypython/FrugalBuild +++ /dev/null @@ -1,22 +0,0 @@ -# Compiling Time: 0 SBU -# Maintainer: Slown <[email protected]> - -pkgname=fortune-mod-montypython -pkgver=20121030 -pkgrel=1 -pkgdesc="Fortune cookies: Monty Python and the Holy Grail" -url="http://www.sacred-texts.com/neu/mphg/mphg.htm"; -depends=('fortune-mod') -groups=('games-extra') -archs=('i686' 'x86_64') -up2date=$pkgver -source=(montypython) -sha1sums=('d394f0b0b0e13b901d6e4124bb51ddde3e94b9da') - -build() { - Fcd "." - strfile ./montypython || Fdie - Fmkdir /usr/share/fortune/ - Ffilerel montypython usr/share/fortune/ - Ffilerel montypython.dat usr/share/fortune/ -} diff --git a/source/games-extra/fortune-mod-montypython/montypython b/source/games-extra/fortune-mod-montypython/montypython deleted file mode 100644 index 95c3329..0000000 --- a/source/games-extra/fortune-mod-montypython/montypython +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1517 +0,0 @@ -Scene 1 - - [wind] - [clop clop] - ARTHUR: Whoa there! - [clop clop] - - GUARD #1: Halt! Who goes there? - ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle - of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign - of all England! - GUARD #1: Pull the other one! - ARTHUR: I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy. - We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights - who will join me in my court of Camelot. I must speak with your lord - and master. - GUARD #1: What, ridden on a horse? - ARTHUR: Yes! - GUARD #1: You're using coconuts! - ARTHUR: What? - GUARD #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' - 'em together. - ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this - land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through-- - GUARD #1: Where'd you get the coconut? - ARTHUR: We found them. - GUARD #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical! - ARTHUR: What do you mean? - GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone. - ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin - or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not - strangers to our land. - GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? - ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried. - GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut? - ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk! - GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple - question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound - coconut. - ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master - that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here. - GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow - needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right? - ARTHUR: Please! - GUARD #1: Am I right? - ARTHUR: I'm not interested! - GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow! - GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European - swallow, that's my point. - GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that... - ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court - at Camelot?! - GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory. - GUARD #2: Oh, yeah... - GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway... - [clop clop] - GUARD #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it together? - GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line. - GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a standard creeper! - GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers? - GUARD #2: Well, why not? -% -Scene 2 - - MORTICIAN: Bring out your dead! - [clang] - Bring out your dead! - [clang] - Bring out your dead! - [clang] - Bring out your dead! - [clang] - Bring out your dead! - [clang] - Bring out your dead! - [clang] - Bring out your dead! - [clang] - Bring out your dead! - [clang] - Bring out your dead! - [clang] - Bring out your dead! - [clang] - Bring out your dead! - [clang] - Bring out your dead! - CUSTOMER: Here's one -- nine pence. - DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead! - MORTICIAN: What? - CUSTOMER: Nothing -- here's your nine pence. - DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead! - MORTICIAN: Here -- he says he's not dead! - CUSTOMER: Yes, he is. - DEAD PERSON: I'm not! - MORTICIAN: He isn't. - CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill. - DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better! - CUSTOMER: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment. - MORTICIAN: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations. - DEAD PERSON: I don't want to go in the cart! - CUSTOMER: Oh, don't be such a baby. - MORTICIAN: I can't take him... - DEAD PERSON: I feel fine! - CUSTOMER: Oh, do us a favor... - MORTICIAN: I can't. - CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't - be long. - MORTICIAN: Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine - today. - CUSTOMER: Well, when is your next round? - MORTICIAN: Thursday. - DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk. - CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there - something you can do? - DEAD PERSON: I feel happy... I feel happy. - [whop] - CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much. - MORTICIAN: Not at all. See you on Thursday. - CUSTOMER: Right. - [clop clop] - MORTICIAN: Who's that then? - CUSTOMER: I don't know. - MORTICIAN: Must be a king. - CUSTOMER: Why? - MORTICIAN: He hasn't got shit all over him. -% -Scene 3 - - [clop clop] - ARTHUR: Old woman! - DENNIS: Man! - ARTHUR: Old Man, sorry. What knight live in that castle over there? - DENNIS: I'm thirty seven. - ARTHUR: What? - DENNIS: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old! - ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you `Man'. - DENNIS: Well, you could say `Dennis'. - ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called `Dennis.' - DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you? - ARTHUR: I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the behind - you looked-- - DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior! - ARTHUR: Well, I AM king... - DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By - exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma - which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society! - If there's ever going to be any progress-- - WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how d'you do? - ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. - Who's castle is that? - WOMAN: King of the who? - ARTHUR: The Britons. - WOMAN: Who are the Britons? - ARTHUR: Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king. - WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous - collective. - DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. - A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes-- - WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again. - DENNIS: That's what it's all about if only people would-- - ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives - in that castle? - WOMAN: No one live there. - ARTHUR: Then who is your lord? - WOMAN: We don't have a lord. - ARTHUR: What? - DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take - it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week. - ARTHUR: Yes. - DENNIS: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified - at a special biweekly meeting. - ARTHUR: Yes, I see. - DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,-- - ARTHUR: Be quiet! - DENNIS: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more-- - ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet! - WOMAN: Order, eh -- who does he think he is? - ARTHUR: I am your king! - WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you. - ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings. - WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become king then? - ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake, - [angels sing] - her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur - from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, - Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. - [singing stops] - That is why I am your king! - DENNIS: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords - is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power - derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical - aquatic ceremony. - ARTHUR: Be quiet! - DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power - just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you! - ARTHUR: Shut up! - DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just - because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd - put me away! - ARTHUR: Shut up! Will you shut up! - DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system. - ARTHUR: Shut up! - DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! - HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed! - ARTHUR: Bloody peasant! - DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you here that, - eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, - you saw it didn't you? -% -Scene 4 - - [arg] - [ugh] - [hah] - - ARTHUR: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight. - I am Arthur, King of the Britons. - [pause] - I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me - in my Court of Camelot. - [pause] - You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me? - [pause] - You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy. - BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass. - ARTHUR: What? - BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass. - ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must - cross this bridge. - BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die. - ARTHUR: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside! - BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man. - ARTHUR: So be it! - [hah] - [parry thrust] - [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off] - ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary. - BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch. - ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off! - BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't. - ARTHUR: Well, what's that then? - BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse. - ARTHUR: You liar! - BLACK KNIGHT: Come on you pansy! - [hah] - [parry thrust] - [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off] - ARTHUR: Victory is mine! - [kneeling] - We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc- - [hah] - BLACK KNIGHT: Come on then. - ARTHUR: What? - BLACK KNIGHT: Have at you! - ARTHUR: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine. - BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh? - ARTHUR: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left. - BLACK KNIGHT: Yes I have. - ARTHUR: Look! - BLACK KNIGHT: Just a flesh wound. - [bang] - ARTHUR: Look, stop that. - BLACK KNIGHT: Chicken! Chicken! - ARTHUR: Look, I'll have your leg. Right! - [whop] - BLACK KNIGHT: Right, I'll do you for that! - ARTHUR: You'll what? - BLACK KNIGHT: Come 'ere! - ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me? - BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible! - ARTHUR: You're a loony. - BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs! - Have at you! Come on then. - [whop] - [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's other leg off] - BLACK KNIGHT: All right; we'll call it a draw. - ARTHUR: Come, Patsy. - BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, oh, I see, running away then. You yellow - bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. - I'll bite your legs off! -% -Scene 5 - - CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch! - VILLAGER #1: We have found a witch, might we burn her? - CROWD: Burn her! Burn! - BEDEMIR: How do you know she is a witch? - VILLAGER #2: She looks like one. - BEDEMIR: Bring her forward. - WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch. - BEDEMIR: But you are dressed as one. - WITCH: They dressed me up like this. - CROWD: No, we didn't... no. - WITCH: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one. - BEDEMIR: Well? - VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose. - BEDEMIR: The nose? - VILLAGER #1: And the hat -- but she is a witch! - CROWD: Burn her! Witch! Witch! Burn her! - BEDEMIR: Did you dress her up like this? - CROWD: No, no... no ... yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit. - VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart. - BEDEMIR: What makes you think she is a witch? - VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt. - BEDEMIR: A newt? - VILLAGER #3: I got better. - VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway! - CROWD: Burn! Burn her! - BEDEMIR: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether - she is a witch. - CROWD: Are there? What are they? - BEDEMIR: Tell me, what do you do with witches? - VILLAGER #2: Burn! - CROWD: Burn, burn them up! - BEDEMIR: And what do you burn apart from witches? - VILLAGER #1: More witches! - VILLAGER #2: Wood! - BEDEMIR: So, why do witches burn? - [pause] - VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of wood...? - BEDEMIR: Good! - CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah... - BEDEMIR: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood? - VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her. - BEDEMIR: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone? - VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah. - BEDEMIR: Does wood sink in water? - VILLAGER #1: No, no. - VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats! - VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond! - CROWD: The pond! - BEDEMIR: What also floats in water? - VILLAGER #1: Bread! - VILLAGER #2: Apples! - VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks! - VILLAGER #1: Cider! - VILLAGER #2: Great gravy! - VILLAGER #1: Cherries! - VILLAGER #2: Mud! - VILLAGER #3: Churches -- churches! - VILLAGER #2: Lead -- lead! - ARTHUR: A duck. - CROWD: Oooh. - BEDEMIR: Exactly! So, logically..., - VILLAGER #1: If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood. - BEDEMIR: And therefore--? - VILLAGER #1: A witch! - CROWD: A witch! - BEDEMIR: We shall use my larger scales! - [yelling] - BEDEMIR: Right, remove the supports! - [whop] - [creak] - CROWD: A witch! A witch! - WITCH: It's a fair cop. - CROWD: Burn her! Burn! [yelling] - BEDEMIR: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science? - ARTHUR: I am Arthur, King of the Britons. - BEDEMIR: My liege! - ARTHUR: Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot, - and join us at the Round Table? - BEDEMIR: My liege! I would be honored. - ARTHUR: What is your name? - BEDEMIR: Bedemir, my leige. - ARTHUR: Then I dub you Sir Bedemir, Knight of the Round Table. - -[Narrative Interlude] - - NARRATOR: The wise Sir Bedemir was the first to join King Arthur's - knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow: - Sir Launcelot the Brave; Sir Galahad the Pure; and Sir Robin the - Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Launcelot who had nearly fought the Dragon - of Agnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol - and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill; and - the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed - a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries, - the Knights of the Round Table. -% -Scene 6 - - BEDEMIR: And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped. - ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedemir. Explain again how - sheeps' bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes. - BEDEMIR: Oh, certainly, sir. - LAUNCELOT: Look, my liege! - ARTHUR: Camelot! - GALAHAD: Camelot! - LAUNCELOT: Camelot! - PATSY: It's only a model. - ARTHUR: Shhh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us - ride... to Camelot. - - [singing] - We're knights of the round table - We dance when e'er we're able - We do routines and parlour scenes - With footwork impecc-Able. - - We dine well here in Camelot - We eat ham and jam and spam a lot - - [dancing] - - We're knights of the Round Table - Our shows are for-mid-able - Though many times we're given rhymes - That are quite unsing-able - We not so fat in Camelot - We sing from the diaphragm a lot - - [tap-dancing] - - Oh we're tough and able - Quite indefatigable - Between our quests we sequin vests - And impersonate Clark Gable - It's a bit too loud in Camelot - I have to push the pram a lot. - - ARTHUR: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot -- it is - a silly place. - Right. -% -Scene 7 - GOD: Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel! If - there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling. - ARTHUR: Sorry-- - GOD: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's - "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy". What are you - doing now!? - ARTHUR: I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord. - GOD: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms-- they're so - depressing. Now knock it off! - ARTHUR: Yes, Lord. - GOD: Right! Arthur, King of the Britons -- your Knights of the Round - Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times. - ARTHUR: Good idea, oh Lord! - GOD: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold! Arthur, this is the Holy - Grail. Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek - this Grail. That is your purpose, Arthur -- the Quest for the - Holy Grail. - ARTHUR: A blessing! - LAUNCELOT: A blessing from the Lord! - GALAHAD: God be praised! -% -Scene 8 - [clop clop] - ARTHUR: Halt! Hallo! Hallo! - GUARD: 'Allo! Who is zis? - ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are the Knights of the Round - Table. Who's castle is this? - GUARD: This is the castle of Our Master Ruiz' de lu la Ramper (sp?) - ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God - with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the - night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail. - GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen... - Uh, he's already got one, you see? - ARTHUR: What? - GALAHAD: He says they've already got one! - ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one? - GUARD: Oh, yes, it's very nice-a [To Other Guards] I told him we already got one. - OTHER GUARDS: [Laughing] - ARTHUR: Well, um, can we come up and have a look? - GUARD: Of course not! You are English types-a! - ARTHUR: Well, what are you then? - GUARD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you - silly king! - GALAHAD: What are you doing in England? - GUARD: Mind your own business! - ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle - by force! - GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your - bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called - Arthur-king, you and all your silly English kaniggets. Thppppt! - GALAHAD: What a strange person. - ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man! - GUARD: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal - food trough whopper! I fart in your general direction! You mother - was a hamster and your father smelt of eldeberries. - GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to? - GUARD: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a! - ARTHUR: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable. - GUARD: (Fetchez la vache.) - wha? - GUARD: (Fetchez la vache!) - [moo] - ARTHUR: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall-- - [twong] - [mooooooo] - Jesus Christ! - Right! Charge! - ALL: Charge! - [mayhem] - GUARD: Ah, this one is for your mother! - [twong] - ALL: Run away! - GUARD: Thpppt! - LAUNCELOT: Fiends! I'll tear them apart! - ARTHUR: No no, no. - BEDEMIR: Sir! I have a plan, sir. - - [later] - - [chop] - [mrrrrrreeeeeeaaaaaaauuuuww] - [rumble rumble squeak] - MUTTERING GUARDS: ce labon a bunny do - wha? - un cadeau? - a present! - oh, un cadeau. - oui oui hurry! - wha-? - let's go! - [rumble rumble squeak] - - ARTHUR: What happens now? - BEDEMIR: Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall, - and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise -- - not only by surprise, but totally unarmed! - ARTHUR: Who leaps out? - BEDEMIR: Uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh - and uh.... - ARTHUR: Oh.... - BEDEMIR: Oh.... Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger-- - [twong] - ALL: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! - [splat] - GUARDS: Oh, haw haw haw. -% -Scene 9 - - Pictures for Schools, take 8. - DIRECTOR: Action! - - NARRATOR: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened - King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely - by surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy - was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought - to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest - knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail - individually. Now, this is what they did-- - [tromp tromp] - [slash] - WOMAN: Greg! -% -Scene 10 - - NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Robin.... - So each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north, - through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels. - - MINSTREL (singing): - - Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot. - He was not afraid to die, o Brave Sir Robin. - He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways. - Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin! - - He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed - into a pulp, - Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. - To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, - And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin! - - His head smashed in and his heart cut out, - And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged, - And his nostrils ripped and his bottom burned off, - And his penis-- - - ROBIN: That's -- that's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads. - Looks like there's dirty work afoot. - DENNIS: Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom. - WOMAN: Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. Now I've dropped my mud. - ALL HEADS: Halt! Who art thou? - MINSTREL (singing): He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who-- - ROBIN: Shut up! Um, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just um, just passing - through. - ALL HEADS: What do you want? - MINSTREL (singing): To fight, and-- - ROBIN: Shut up! Um, oo, n-nothing, nothing really -- I, uh, j-j-ust - to um, just to p-pass through, good Sir knight. - ALL HEADS: I'm afraid not! - ROBIN: Ah. W-well, actually I am a Knight of the Round Table. - ALL HEADS: You're a Knight of the Round Table? - ROBIN: I am. - LEFT HEAD: In that case I shall have to kill you. - MIDDLE HEAD: Shall I? - RIGHT HEAD: Oh, I don't think so. - MIDDLE HEAD: Well, what do I think? - LEFT HEAD: I think kill him. - RIGHT HEAD: Well let's be nice to him. - MIDDLE HEAD: Oh shut up. - LEFT HEAD: Perhaps- - MIDDLE HEAD: And you. - LEFT HEAD: Oh quick get the sword out I want to cut his head off! - RIGHT HEAD: Oh, cut your own head off! - MIDDLE HEAD: Yes, do us all a favor! - LEFT HEAD: What? - RIGHT HEAD: Yapping on all the time. - MIDDLE HEAD: You're lucky. You're not next to him. - LEFT HEAD: What do you mean? - MIDDLE HEAD: You snore. - LEFT HEAD: Oh I don't -- anyway, you've got bad breath. - MIDDLE HEAD: Well its only because you don't brush my teeth. - RIGHT HEAD: Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea. - LEFT HEAD: All right, all right, all right. We'll kill him first - and then have tea and biscuits. - MIDDLE HEAD: Yes. - RIGHT HEAD: Oh, but not biscuits. - LEFT HEAD: All right, all right, not biscuits, but lets kill him anyway. - ALL HEADS: Right! - LEFT HEAD: He buggered off. - RIGHT HEAD: So he has, he's scarpered. - - MINSTREL (singing): Brave Sir Robin ran away - ROBIN: No! - MINSTREL (singing): Bravely ran away away - ROBIN: I didn't! - MINSTREL (singing): When danger reared its ugly head, - He bravely turned his tail and fled - ROBIN: No! - MINSTREL (singing): Yes Brave Sir Robin turned about - ROBIN: I didn't! - MINSTREL (singing): And gallantly he chickened out - Bravely taking to his feet - ROBIN: I never did! - MINSTREL (singing): He beat a very brave retreat - ROBIN: Oh, lie! - MINSTREL (singing): Bravest of the brave Sir Robin - ROBIN: I never! -% -Scene 11 - - NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Galahad - - [boom crash] - [angels singing] - - [pound pound pound] - GALAHAD: Open the door! - Open the door! - [pound pound pound] - In the name of King Arthur, open the door! - [squeak thump] - [squeak boom] - ALL: Hello! - ZOOT: Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax. - GALAHAD: The Castle Anthrax? - ZOOT: Yes... oh, it's not a very good name? Oh! but we are - nice and we shall attend to your every, every need! - GALAHAD: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail? - ZOOT: The what? - GALAHAD: The Grail -- it is here? - ZOOT: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Midget! - Crepper! - MIDGET and CREPPER: Yes, oh Zoot! - ZOOT: Prepare a bed for our guest. - MIDGET and CREPPER: Oh thank you thank you thank you-- - ZOOT: Away away vile temptress! The beds here are warm and soft -- and - very, very big. - GALAHAD: Well, look, I-I-uh-- - ZOOT: What is your name, handsome knight? - GALAHAD: Sir Galahad... the Chaste. - ZOOT: Mine is Zoot... just Zoot. Oh, but come! - GALAHAD: Look, please! In God's name, show me the Grail! - ZOOT: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious! - GALAHAD: L-look, I have seen it! It is here, in the-- - ZOOT: Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our - hospitality. - GALAHAD: Well, I-I-uh-- - ZOOT: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared - to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between - sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to - protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing, undressing, - making exciting underwear.... We are just not used to handsome knights. - Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded! - GALAHAD: No, no -- i-it's nothing! - ZOOT: Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please, - lie down. - [clap clap] - PIGLET: Ah. What seems to be the trouble? - GALAHAD: They're doctors?! - ZOOT: Uh, they've had a basic medical training, yes. - GALAHAD: B-but-- - ZOOT: Oh, come come, you must try to rest! Doctor Piglet, Doctor - Winston, practice your art. - PIGLET: Try to relax. - GALAHAD: Are you sure that's necessary? - PIGLET: We must examine you. - GALAHAD: There's nothing wrong with that! - PIGLET: Please -- we are doctors. - GALAHAD: Get off the bed! I am sworn to chastity! - PIGLET: Back to your bed! - GALAHAD: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail! - PIGLET: There's no grail here. - GALAHAD: I have seen it, I have seen it. I have seen-- - GIRLS: Hello. - GALAHAD: Oh-- - VARIOUS GIRLS: Hello. - Hello. - Hello. - Hello. - Hello. - Hello. - Hello. - Hello. - Hello. - Hello. - Hello. - Hello. - GALAHAD: Zoot! - DINGO: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo. - GALAHAD: Oh, well, excuse me, I-- - DINGO: Where are you going? - GALAHAD: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle! - DINGO: No! Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot! - GALAHAD: What is it? - DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight - to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the - first time we've had this problem. - GALAHAD: It's not the real Grail? - DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she is a naughty - person, and she must pay the penalty -- and here in Castle Anthrax, we - have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. You - must tie her down on a bed and spank her! - GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking! - DINGO: You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her, you - may deal with her as you like. And then, spank me. - VARIOUS GIRLS: And spank me. - And me. - And me. - DINGO: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking! - GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking! - DINGO: And after the spanking, the oral sex. - GIRLS: Oral sex! Oral sex! - GALAHAD: Well, I could stay a BIT longer. - LAUNCELOT: Sir Galahad! - GALAHAD: Oh, hello. - LAUNCELOT: Quick! - GALAHAD: What? - LAUNCELOT: Quick! - GALAHAD: Why? - LAUNCELOT: You're in great peril! - LAUNCELOT: Silence, foul temptress! - GALAHAD: Now look, it's not important. - LAUNCELOT: Quick! Come on and we'll cover your escape! - GALAHAD: Look, I'm fine! - LAUNCELOT: Come on! - GALAHAD: Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed! - DINGO: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed! - GIRLS: Yes! Tackle us single-handed! - LAUNCELOT: No, Sir Galahad, come on! - GALAHAD: No, really, honestly, I can go back and handle this lot easily! - DINGO: Oh, yes, he can handle us easily. - GIRLS: Yes, yes! - GALAHAD: Wait! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty - of them! - DINGO: Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance. - GIRLS: Yes, yes. - [boom] - DINGO: Oh, shit. - [outside] - LAUNCELOT: We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril. - GALAHAD: I don't think I was. - LAUNCELOT: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril. - GALAHAD: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril. - LAUNCELOT: No, it's too perilous. - GALAHAD: Look, I'm a knight, I'm supposed to get as much peril as I can. - LAUNCELOT: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on! - GALAHAD: Well, let me have just a little bit of peril? - LAUNCELOT: No, it's unhealthy. - GALAHAD: Bet you're gay! - LAUNCELOT: No, I'm not. - -Narrative Interlude 2 - - NARRATOR: Sir Launcelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain - temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail. Meanwhile, - King Arthur and Sir Bedemir, not more than a swallow's flight away, - had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, - obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden swallow's flights - away -- four, really, if they hadn't a cord of line between them. - I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging-- - CROWD: Get on with it! - NARRATOR: Oh, anyway, on to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing - scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue, - in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a - starling -oolp! -% -Scene 24 - - OLD MAN: Ah, hee he he ha! - ARTHUR: And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the grail? - OLD MAN: Ha ha he he he he! - ARTHUR: Where does he live? Old man, where does he live? - OLD MAN: He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered. - ARTHUR: And the Grail... The Grail is there? - OLD MAN: Very much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge - of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed. - ARTHUR: But the Grail! Where is the Grail!? - OLD MAN: Seek you the Bridge of Death. - ARTHUR: The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail? - OLD MAN: Hee hee ha ha! -% -Scene 25 - - HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! - Nee! - Nee! - Nee! - ARTHUR: Who are you? - HEAD KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say... Nee! - ARTHUR: No! Not the Knights Who Say Nee! - HEAD KNIGHT: The same! - BEDEMIR: Who are they? - HEAD KNIGHT: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Nee, Pen, and - Nee-wom! - RANDOM: Nee-wom! - ARTHUR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale! - HEAD KNIGHT: The Knights Who Say Nee demand a sacrifice! - ARTHUR: Knights of Nee, we are but simple travellers who seek the - enchanter who lives beyond these woods. - HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee! - ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow! - HEAD KNIGHT: We shall say 'nee' again to you if you do not appease us. - ARTHUR: Well, what is it you want? - HEAD KNIGHT: We want... a shrubbery! - [dramatic chord] - ARTHUR: A what? - HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee! - ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow! - ARTHUR: Please, please! No more! We shall find a shrubbery. - HEAD KNIGHT: You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will - never pass through this wood alive! - ARTHUR: O Knights of Nee, you are just and fair, and we will return - with a shrubbery. - HEAD KNIGHT: One that looks nice. - ARTHUR: Of course. - HEAD KNIGHT: And not too expensive. - ARTHUR: Yes. - HEAD KNIGHTS: Now... go! -% -Scene 26 - - NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Launcelot. - - FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours! - ERBERT: What, the curtains? - FATHER: No, not the curtains, lad. All that you can see! Stretched - out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, - lad! - HERBERT: But, Mother-- - FATHER: Father, I'm Father. - HERBERT: But Father, I don't want any of that. - FATHER: Listen, lad. I've built this kingdom up from nothing. When - I started here, all there was was swamp. All the kings said I was - daft to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, - just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. - That sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down, - fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. - An' that's what your gonna get, lad -- the strongest castle in these - islands. - HERBERT: But I don't want any of that -- I'd rather-- - FATHER: Rather what?! - HERBERT: I'd rather... just... - [music] - ...sing! - FATHER: Stop that, stop that! You're not going to do a song while - I'm here. Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you're getting married to - a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain. - HERBERT: But I don't want land. - FATHER: Listen, Alex,-- - HERBERT: Herbert. - FATHER: Herbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we - can get. - HERBERT: But I don't like her. - FATHER: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, - she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land. - HERBERT: I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have... - a certain... special... - [music] - ...something... - FATHER: Cut that out, cut that out. Look, you're marryin' Princess - Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea. [smack] Guards! Make sure - the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im. - GUARD #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him. - GUARD #2: Hic! - FATHER: No, no. Until I come and get 'im. - GUARD #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room. - FATHER: No, no, no. You stay in the room and make sure 'e doesn't - leave. - GUARD #1: And you'll come and get him. - GUARD #2: Hic! - FATHER: Right. - GUARD #1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him - entering the room. - FATHER: No, no. Leaving the room. - GUARD #1: Leaving the room, yes. - FATHER: All right? - GUARD #1: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we... - FATHER: Yes, what is it? - GUARD #1: Oh, if-if, oh-- - FATHER: Look, it's quite simple. - GUARD #1: Uh... - FATHER: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. - All right? - GUARD #2: Hic! - FATHER: Right. - GUARD #1: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us? - FATHER: N- No no no. You just keep him in here, and make sure-- - GUARD #1: Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had - to leave and we were-- - FATHER: No, no, just keep him in here-- - GUARD #1: Until you, or anyone else,-- - FATHER: No, not anyone else, just me-- - GUARD #1: Just you. - GUARD #2: Hic! - FATHER: Get back. - GUARD #1: Get back. - FATHER: Right? - GUARD #1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back. - FATHER: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave. - GUARD #1: What? - FATHER: Make sure 'e doesn't leave. - GUARD #1: The Prince? - FATHER: Yes, make sure 'e doesn't leave. - GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. Y'know, it - seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard. - FATHER: Is that clear? - GUARD #2: Hic! - GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear, no problems. - FATHER: Right. - [starts to leave] - Where are you going? - GUARD #1: We're coming with you. - FATHER: No no, I want you to stay 'ere and make sure 'e doesn't leave. - GUARD #1: Oh, I see. Right. - HERBERT: But, Father! - FATHER: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! And no singing! - GUARD #2: Hic! - FATHER: Oh, go get a glass of water. -% -Scene 27 - - LAUNCELOT: Well taken, Concorde! - CONCORDE: Thank you, sir! Most kind. - LAUNCELOT: And again... Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big - one...Ooof! Come on, Concorde! - [thwonk] - CONCORDE: Message for you, sir. - [fwump] - LAUNCELOT: Concorde! Concorde, speak to me! "To whoever finds this - note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry - against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am - in the tall tower of Swamp Castle." At last! A call, a cry of - distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! - Brave, brave Concorde! You shall not have died in vain! - CONCORDE: Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir. - LAUNCELOT: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain! - CONCORDE: Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir. - LAUNCELOT: Oh, I see. - CONCORDE: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you-- - LAUNCELOT: No, no, sweet Concorde! Stay here! I will send help as - soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own - particular... (sigh) - CONCORDE: Idiom, sir? - LAUNCELOT: Idiom! - CONCORDE: No, I feel fine, actually, sir. - LAUNCELOT: Farewell, sweet Concorde! - CONCORDE: I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir? Yeah. -% -Scene 28 - - LAUNCELOT: Ha-ha! etc. - GUARD #1: Now, you're not allowed to come in here, and we're-ugh! - LAUNCELOT: O fair one, behold your humble servant Sir Launcelot - of Camelot. I have come to take -- oh, I'm terribly sorry. - HERBERT: You got my note! - LAUNCELOT: Uh, well, I got A note. - HERBERT: You've come to rescue me! - LAUNCELOT: Uh, well, no, you see... - HERBERT: I knew that someone would, I knew that somewhere out there... - there must be... - [music] - ...someone... - FATHER: Stop that, stop that, stop it! Stop it! Who are you? - HERBERT: I'm your son! - FATHER: No, not you. - LAUNCELOT: I'm Sir Launcelot, sir. - HERBERT: He's come to rescue me, father. - LAUNCELOT: Well, let's not jump to conclusions. - FATHER: Did you kill all the guard? - LAUNCELOT: Uh..., oh, yes. Sorry. - FATHER: They cost fifty pounds each. - LAUNCELOT: Well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm -- I really can explain everything. - HERBERT: Don't be afraid of him, Sir Launcelot, I've got a rope all ready! - FATHER: You killed eight wedding guests in all! - LAUNCELOT: Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady. - FATHER: I can understand that. - HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Launcelot! Hurry! - FATHER: Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all! - LAUNCELOT: Well, I really didn't mean to... - FATHER: Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head! - LAUNCELOT: Oh, dear. Is he all right? - FATHER: You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost - me a fortune! - LAUNCELOT: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north - from Camelot, when I got this note, you see-- - FATHER: Camelot? Are you from, uh, Camelot? - HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Launcelot! - LAUNCELOT: Uh, I am a Knight of King Arthur, sir. - FATHER: Pretty nice castle, Camelot. Uh, pretty good pig country.... - LAUNCELOT: Yes. - HERBERT: Hurry, I'm ready! - FATHER: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink? - LAUNCELOT: Well, that's, uh, awfully nice of you. - HERBERT: I am ready! - [starts to leave] - LAUNCELOT: --I mean to be, so understanding. - [thonk] - HERBERT: Oooh! - LAUNCELOT: Um, I think when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, - uh, sort of carried away. - FATHER: Oh, don't worry about that. - HERBERT: Oooh! - [splat] -% -Scene 29 - - [wailing] - FATHER: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this - knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living room. - RANDOM: There he is! - FATHER: Oh, bloody hell. - LAUNCELOT: Ha-ha! etc. - FATHER: Hold it, hold it! Please! - LAUNCELOT: Sorry, sorry. See what I mean, I just get carried away. - I really must -- sorry, sorry! Sorry, everyone. - RANDOM: He's killed the best man! - [yelling] - FATHER: Hold it, please! Hold it! This is Sir Launcelot from the - court of Camelot -- a very brave and influential knight, and my special - guest here today. - LAUNCELOT: Hello. - RANDOM: He killed my auntie! - [yelling] - FATHER: Please, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! - Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to - witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy - wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen - to his death. But I think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained - a daughter! For, since the tragic death of her father-- - RANDOM: He's not quite dead! - FATHER: Since the near fatal wounding of her father-- - RANDOM: He's getting better! - FATHER: For, since her own father... who, when he seemed about to - recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him,... - [ugh] - RANDOM: Oh, he's died! - FATHER: And I want his only daughter to look upon me... as her own - dad -- in a very real, and legally binding sense. - [clapping] - And I feel sure that the merger -- uh, the union -- between the - Princess and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Launcelot of Camelot... - LAUNCELOT: What? - RANDOM: Look! The dead Prince! - CONCORDE: He's not quite dead! - HERBERT: Oh, I feel much better. - FATHER: You fell out of the tower, you creep! - HERBERT: No, I was saved at the last minute. - FATHER: How?! - HERBERT: Well, I'll tell you... - [music] - FATHER: Not like that! Not like that! No, stop it! - SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell! - FATHER: Shut up! - SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell! - He's going to tell! He's going to tell! - He's going to tell! He's going to tell! - He's going to tell! He's going to tell! - CONCORDE: Quickly, sir! This way! - LAUNCELOT: No, it's not in my idiom! I must escape more....(sigh) - CONCORDE: Dramatically, sir? - LAUNCELOT: Dramatically! Hee! Ha! - [crash] - Excuse me, could, uh, could somebody give me a push, please...? -% -Scene 30 - - [clop clop] - ARTHUR: Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy - a shrubbery! - [dramatic chord] - CRONE: Who sent you? - ARTHUR: The Knights Who Say Nee. - CRONE: Agh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here. - ARTHUR: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend - and I will say... we will say... `nee'. - CRONE: Agh! Do your worst! - ARTHUR: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... nee! - CRONE: No! Never! No shrubberies! - ARTHUR: Nee! - BEDEMIR: Noo! Noo! - ARTHUR: No, no, no, no -- it's not that, it's 'nee'. - BEDEMIR: Noo! - ARTHUR: No, no -- 'nee'. You're not doing it properly. - BEDEMIR: Noo! Nee! - ARTHUR: That's it, that's it, you've got it. - ARTHUR and BEDEMIR: Nee! Nee! - ROGER: Are you saying 'nee' to that old woman? - ARTHUR: Um, yes. - ROGER: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say `nee' - at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing - is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under - considerable economic stress at this period in history. - ARTHUR: Did you say `shrubberies'? - ROGER: Yes, shrubberies are my trade -- I am a shrubber. My name - is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies. - BEDEMIR: Nee! - ARTHUR: No! No, no, no! No! -% -Scene 31 - - ARTHUR: O, Knights of Nee, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we - go now? - HEAD KNIGHT: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. - But there is one small problem. - ARTHUR: What is that? - HEAD KNIGHT: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Nee. - RANDOM: Nee! - HEAD KNIGHT: Shh shh. We are now the Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky- - ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-mumble-mumble. - RANDOM: Nee! - HEAD KNIGHT: Therefore, we must give you a test. - ARTHUR: What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til Recently - Said Nee? - HEAD KNIGHT: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery! - [dramatic chord] - ARTHUR: Not another shrubbery! - HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place - it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a - two-level effect with a little path running down the middle. - RANDOM: A path! A path! Nee! - HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut - down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring! - [dramatic chord] - ARTHUR: We shall do no such thing! - HEAD KNIGHT: Oh, please! - ARTHUR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done. - KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! - HEAD KNIGHT: Don't say that word. - ARTHUR: What word? - HEAD KNIGHT: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words - the Knights of Nee cannot hear. - ARTHUR: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is? - KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! - ARTHUR: What, `is'? - HEAD KNIGHT: No, not `is' -- we couldn't get vary far in life not - saying `is'. - BEDEMIR: My liege, it's Sir Robin! - MINSTREL (singing): Packing it in and packing it up - And sneaking away and buggering up - And chickening out and pissing about - Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge - ARTHUR: Oh, Robin! - ROBIN: My liege! It's good to see you! - KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! - HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word! - ARTHUR: Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail? - MINSTREL (singing): He is sneaking away and buggering up-- - ROBIN: Shut up! No, no no-- far from it. - HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word again! - ROBIN: I was looking for it. - KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! - ROBIN: Uh, here, here in this forest. - ARTHUR: No, it is far from-- - KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! - HEAD KNIGHT: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word! - ARTHUR: Oh, stop it! - KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! - HEAD KNIGHT: Oh! He said it again! - ARTHUR: Patsy! - HEAD KNIGHT: Aaugh! I said it! I said it! Ooh! I said it again! - KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! - -Narrative Interlude 3 - - NARRATOR: And so Arthur and Bedemir and Sir Robin set out on their - search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in Scene 24. - Beyond the forest they met Launcelot and Galahad, and there was much - rejoicing. - ALL: Yay! Yay! - NARRATOR: In the frozen land of Nador they were forced to eat Robin's - minstrels. And there was much rejoicing. - ALL: Yay! - NARRATOR: A year passed. Winter changed into Spring. Spring changed - into Summer. Summer changed back into Winter. And Winter gave Spring - and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn. Until one day... -% -Scene 32 - - ARTHUR: Knights! Forward! - [boom boom boom boom BOOM boom boom boom boom] - What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint - or tinder? - TIM: I... am an enchanter. - ARTHUR: By what name are you known? - TIM: There are some who call me... Tim? - ARTHUR: Greetings, Tim the Enchanter. - TIM: Greetings, King Arthur! - ARTHUR: You know my name? - TIM: I do. - [zoosh] - You seek the Holy Grail! - ARTHUR: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Tim. - TIM: Quite. - [pweeng boom] - [clap clap clap] - ARTHUR: Yes, we're, we're looking for the Grail. Our quest is to find - the Holy Grail. - KNIGHTS: It is, yes, yup, yes, yeah. - ARTHUR: And so we're, we're, we're, we're looking for it. - KNIGHTS: Yes we are we are. - BEDEMIR: We have been for some time. - ROBIN: Ages. - ARTHUR: Uh, so, uh, anything you can do to, uh, to help, would be... - very... helpful... - GALAHAD: Look, can you tell us wh- - [boom] - ARTHUR: Fine, um, I don't want to waste anymore of your time, but, uh - I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um, - find a, uh, a, um, a uh-- - TIM: A what...? - ARTHUR: A g--, a g-- - TIM: A Grail?! - ARTHUR: Yes, I think so. - KNIGHTS: Yes, that's it. Yes. - TIM: Yes! - KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you, splendid, fine. - [boom pweeng boom boom] - ARTHUR: Look, you're a busy man, uh-- - TIM: Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail. - KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you. - TIM: To the north there lies a cave -- the cave of Kyre Banorg -- - wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last - words of Ulfin Bedweer of Regett [boom] proclaim the last resting - place of the most Holy Grail. - ARTHUR: Where could we find this cave, O Tim? - TIM: Follow! But! follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance - to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man - yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of four fifty men lie strewn - about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or - your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty - big pointy teeth. - ARTHUR: What an eccentric performance. -% -Scene 33 - - [clop clop whinny] - KNIGHT: They're nervous, sire. - ARTHUR: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount! - TIM: Behold the cave of Kyre Banorg! - ARTHUR: Right! Keep me covered. - KNIGHT: What with? - ARTHUR: Just keep me covered. - TIM: Too late! - [chord] - ARTHUR: What? - TIM: There he is! - ARTHUR: Where? - TIM: There! - ARTHUR: What, behind the rabbit? - TIM: It is the rabbit! - ARTHUR: You silly sod! You got us all worked up! - TIM: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit. That's the most foul, cruel, - and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on. - ROBIN: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared! - TIM: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a - killer! - KNIGHT: Get stuffed! - TIM: It'll do you a trick, mate! - KNIGHT: Oh, yeah? - ROBIN: You mangy Scot git! - TIM: I'm warning you! - ROBIN: What's he do, nibble your bum? - TIM: He's got huge, sharp-- he can leap about-- look at the bones! - ARTHUR: Go on, Boris. Chop his head off! - BORIS: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up! - TIM: Look! - [squeak] - BORIS: Aaaugh! - [chord] - ARTHUR: Jesus Christ! - TIM: I warned you! - ROBIN: I peed again! - TIM: I warned you! But did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, - didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, - it's always the same, I always-- - ARTHUR: Oh, shut up! - TIM: --But do they listen to me?-- - ARTHUR: Right! - TIM: -Oh, no-- - KNIGHTS: Charge! - [squeak squeak] - KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! etc. - KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away! - TIM: Haw haw haw. Haw haw haw. Haw haw. - ARTHUR: Right. How many did we lose? - KNIGHT: Gawain. - KNIGHT: Hector. - ARTHUR: And Boris. That's five. - GALAHAD: Three, sir. - ARTHUR: Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal - assault, that rabbit's dynamite. - ROBIN: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more? - ARTHUR: Oh, shut up and go and change your armor. - GALAHAD: Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make - a mistake. - ARTHUR: Like what? - GALAHAD: Well,.... - ARTHUR: Have we got bows? - KNIGHT: No. - LAUNCELOT: We have the Holy Hand Grenade. - ARTHUR: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one - of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him! Brother Maynard! - Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade! - [singing] - How does it, uh... how does it work? - KNIGHT: I know not, my liege. - ARTHUR: Consult the Book of Armaments! - MAYNARD: Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One. - BROTHER: "And Saint Atila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, - 'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow - thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and - people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, - and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large --" - MAYNARD: Skip a bit, Brother. - BROTHER: "And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the - Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three - shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting - shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, - excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once - the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou - thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty - in my sight, shall snuff it.'" - MAYNARD: Amen. - ALL: Amen. - ARTHUR: Right! One... two... five! - KNIGHT: Three, sir! - ARTHUR: Three! - [boom] -% -Scene 34 - - KNIGHT: There! Look! - LAUNCELOT: What does it say? - GALAHAD: What language is that? - ARTHUR: Brother Maynard, you're our scholar! - MAYNARD: It's Aramaic! - GALAHAD: Of course! Joseph of Aramathea! - LAUNCELOT: Course! - KNIGHT: What does it say? - MAYNARD: It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of - Aramathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail - in the Castle of uuggggggh'. - ARTHUR: What? - MAYNARD: '... the Castle of uuggggggh'. - BEDEMIR: What is that? - MAYNARD: He must have died while carving it. - LAUNCELOT: Oh, come on! - MAYNARD: Well, that's what it says. - ARTHUR: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aaggggh'. - He'd just say it! - MAYNARD: Well, that's what's carved in the rock! - GALAHAD: Perhaps he was dictating. - ARTHUR: Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else? - MAYNARD: No. Just, 'uuggggggh'. - LAUNCELOT: Aauuggghhh. - KNIGHT: Aaauggh. - BEDEMIR: You don't suppose he meant the Camauuuugh? - KNIGHT: Where's that? - BEDEMIR: France, I think. - LAUNCELOT: Isn't there a Saint Aauuuves in Cornwall? - ARTHUR: No, that's Saint Ives. - LAUNCELOT: Oh, yes. Saint Iiiives. - SEVERAL: Iiiiives. - BEDEMIR: Oooohoohohooo! - LAUNCELOT: No, no, aauuuuugh, at the back of the throat. Aauuugh. - BEDEMIR: No, no, no, oooooooh, in surprise and alarm. - LAUNCELOT: Oh, you mean sort of a aaaagh! - BEDEMIR: Yes, but I-- Aaaaagh! - KNIGHT: Oooh! - KNIGHT: Oh, no! - [roar] - MAYNARD: It's the legendary Black Beast of aaauuugh! - ARTHUR: Run away! - ALL: Run away! Run away! - [roar] - NARRATOR: As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape - for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless. When, suddenly, the - animator suffered a fatal heart attack. [ulk] The cartoon peril - was no more. The Quest for the Holy Grail could continue. -% -Scene 35 - - ARTHUR: There it is! The Bridge of Death! - ROBIN: Oh, great. - KNIGHT: Look! - ARTHUR: There's the old man from Scene 24! - BEDEMIR: What is he doing here? - ARTHUR: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each - traveller five questions-- - KNIGHT: Three questions. - ARTHUR: Three questions. He who answers the five questions-- - KNIGHT: Three questions. - ARTHUR: Three questions may cross in safety. - ROBIN: What if you get a question wrong? - ARTHUR: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril. - ROBIN: Oh, I won't go. - KNIGHT: Who's going to answer the questions? - ARTHUR: Sir Robin! - ROBIN: Yes? - ARTHUR: Brave Sir Robin, you go. - ROBIN: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Launcelot go? - LAUNCELOT: Yes, let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. - I shall make a feint to the north-east-- - ARTHUR: No, no, hang on, hang on, hang on! Just answer the five - questions-- - KNIGHT: Three questions. - ARTHUR: Three questions as best you can. And we shall watch... and - pray. - LAUNCELOT: I understand, my liege. - ARTHUR: Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot. God be with you. - KEEPER: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me - these questions three, 'ere the other side he see. - LAUNCELOT: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid. - KEEPER: What is your name? - LAUNCELOT: My name is Sir Launcelot of Camelot. - KEEPER: What is your quest? - LAUNCELOT: To seek the Holy Grail. - KEEPER: What is your favorite color? - LAUNCELOT: Blue. - KEEPER: Right. Off you go. - LAUNCELOT: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. - ROBIN: That's easy! - KEEPER: Stop! Who approaches the Bridge of Death must answer me - these questions three, 'ere the other side he see. - ROBIN: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid. - KEEPER: What is your name? - ROBIN: Sir Robin of Camelot. - KEEPER: What is your quest? - ROBIN: To seek the Holy Grail. - KEEPER: What is the capital of Assyria? - ROBIN: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh! - KEEPER: Stop! What is your name? - GALAHAD: Sir Galahad of Camelot. - KEEPER: What is your quest? - GALAHAD: I seek the Holy Grail. - KEEPER: What is your favorite color? - GALAHAD: Blue. No yel-- Auuuuuuuugh! - KEEPER: Heh heh. Stop! What is your name? - ARTHUR: It is Arthur, King of the Britons. - KEEPER: What is your quest? - ARTHUR: To seek the Holy Grail. - KEEPER: What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? - ARTHUR: What do you mean? An African or European swallow? - KEEPER: What? I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh! - BEDEMIR: How do know so much about swallows? - ARTHUR: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king you know. -% -Scene 36 - - ARTHUR: Launcelot! Launcelot! Launcelot! - BEDEMIR: Launcelot! Launcelot! - ARTHUR: Launcelot! Launcelot! - BEDEMIR: Launcelot! Launcelot! - [angels singing] - ARTHUR: The Castle Aggh. Our quest is at an end! God be praised! - Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast [something] safe - [something] the most- - [twong baaaa] - Jesus Christ! - GUARD: 'Allo, daffy English kaniggets and Monsieur Arthur-King, who - is afraid of a duck, you know! So, we French fellows out-wit you a - second time! - ARTHUR: How dare you profane this place with your presence!? I command - you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this - sacred castle, to which God himself has guided us! - GUARD: How you English say, I one more time-a unclog my nose in your - direction, sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could - out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about - advancing behavior! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you - heaving lot of second-hand electric donkey bottom biters. - ARTHUR: In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred - castle! - GUARD: No chance, English bedwetting types. I burst my pimples at you - and call your daughter an unrequested silly thing. You tiny-brained - wipers of other people's bottoms! - ARTHUR: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by - force! - [splat] - In the name of God and the glory of our-- - [splat] - Right! That settles it! - GUARD: Yes, this time and try - any more or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads - and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha! - ARTHUR: Walk away. Just ignore them. - GUARD: No, remain you illegitimate faced buggerfuls! And, if you think - you got nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet! Daffy - English kaniggets! Thpppt! - ARTHUR: We shall attack at once! - BEDEMIR: Yes, my liege! - ARTHUR: Stand by for attack! -% _______________________________________________ Frugalware-git mailing list [email protected] http://frugalware.org/mailman/listinfo/frugalware-git
