From Relationship
to
Partnership
by Paul Brenner, M.D., Ph.D.
and
Donna Martin, M.A.
Successful close relationship either starts as, or evolves into, a
partnership. Unfortunately, many relationships end up focused on differences and
so are based on a certain amount of friction, competition, and tension. Our
intimate live-in relationships offer us a constant reminder of the work we still
have to do. If we are successful, we can transform an ordinary relationship into
the precious gift of partnership.
How does a relationship move from the early courtship phase, through the
difficult relationship phase, into a creative partnership?
Courtship brings out our playfulness. During this phase there is often an
intimate sharing, where even parts of our shadow are sometimes exposed as we
test each other's degree of acceptance. Mixed in with these hidden parts are our
childhood gifts. Attracted to similar qualities in each other, we feel a sense
of belonging -- a recognition of a familiar face of love. In courtship, we tend
to radiate a youthful joy that friends and family notice. We glow.
When courtship moves into marriage, or other forms of live-in
relationship, things change. Living together recalls the family of origin. The
honeymoon is soon over, as the unfinished business of the past turns fun into
work. Each partner may now begin to wonder, Where did it go? Where the hell did
the love go?
The relationship can then deteriorate into a chronic relationship, held
together by tension and only momentary reminders of courtship feelings. Blame
may arise, overt or insinuated. As the unmet needs from childhood again create
dissatisfaction, the relationship may sink to the level of a "he said-she said"
battle. Usually, the partners don't see how they are projecting their childhood
unmet needs and their disowned (shadow) parts onto their mates. Then, as if by
magic, the mates may even start acting out their partner's projection. In
chronic relationships, we end up living with what we least like about ourselves,
because that is what we see in the other person.
The work at this point is to surrender expectations and attachments, and
to stop blaming. We can begin to move toward partnership and truly meet each
other for the first time, as two unique individuals. As in any relationship or
partnership, disagreements will continue to occur. There are times when major
disagreements are best worked out separately, alone or with the help of a wise
friend or knowledgeable therapist.
The heat of an argument can obscure the personal insights necessary for
resolving a conflict. Time apart often helps us not only to recognize but to
admit how we participate in causing friction. With awareness, empathy, and
honesty, we can then reunite with our mates more creatively.
As we progress with our individual inner work, we move with greater and
greater ease from feeling disconnected to reunion. We start to get more out of
time alone and time together. The relationship becomes a place to play, to
relish whatever is happening in the moment, and to create works of love that
serve others. It becomes a partnership. In a partnership there is a commitment
to embracing pain as well as joy. The real gift of partnership is the discovery
of play.
As we have seen, the childhood experience of love and pain is difficult to
understand. In the attempt to create meaning out of this paradox, the child can
make wrong assumptions that have long-term consequences. One assumption is that
certain gifts always come at the cost of certain hurts or unmet needs; another
is that love hurts or that love cannot be trusted. As a child, you might have
thought you were unworthy or unlovable. These assumptions become the basis of
your adult reality.
Let's look again at the whole picture of your childhood gifts and hurts.
Look for paradoxes: between the gifts, for example (creating a kind of
paralysis), or between the hurts (creating a sense of victimization, no matter
what happens). Can you see the source of some of your own assumptions?
If you experienced a repetition of painful events in your childhood,
powerful memory patterns were probably stored for retrieval at a later date. Any
similar event that matches even a trace of a given memory can recall the entire
emotional charge associated with that memory! This phenomenon is one source of
post-traumatic stress syndrome. Remembering emotional and physical pain has been
a key to our survival as a species; unfortunately, this kind of instant recall
can be a real obstacle to intimacy. We all make inaccurate assumptions at times,
and these distort our reality.
As children, if we had two separate but simultaneous experiences, we
tended to assume that they were linked. We then came to expect this combination
to be repeated elsewhere in life. If one part of the equation is missing, we
assume the other is missing, too. If one is present, we assume the other is
present. Our gifts and hurts became fused, and are now the source of our
relationship themes and patterns, especially in long-term relationships.
Commitment, intimacy, and live-in situations are reminders of our
childhood experience in the family. Here is where we begin to sabotage our
relationships. The most common internal voice that comes up to help re-create
our family experience is the inner critic, often projecting our shadow onto our
partner. This might be when we star telling ourselves that we'd be better off
alone.
Live-in relationships become chronic when we blame the relationship for
not giving us what we want. We often use our intimate relationships to
perpetuate and justify our distrust of love. We won't escape our past until we
begin to look at and question our childhood assumptions.
We sometimes like ourselves more when we're alone than when we're in a
long-term relationship. The paradox of this is like saying, "you should be with
me when I am alone!" It may seem as though our partners never see us at our
best. However, if you have someone in your life who can meet your needs and you
can avoid sabotaging the relationship, then you have already started the work of
self-repair. In meeting your own needs, you can now allow another person into
your life without the fear of losing your gifts.
You may discover that your family patterns and childhood assumptions don't
play themselves out in intimate relationships as much as in your work or with
your kids. The chronic relationship can rear its head in many different arenas,
and in many different ways. Remember that what you see in your mate, your
children, and your coworkers may be yourself. When you can begin to laugh at
what once would have angered you, you are on the road to breaking unconscious
patterns. This is true freedom.
This article was excerpted from "Seeing Your
Life Through New Eyes",