Hi,
Accidently I have seen this letters you were forwarding...
If a man is gay and he recognized that is a gay, then dont get married with a
female, it will not work properly. If u agree to marry by the force of
parents or family, you are pretending that u r straight, how long u can
pretend.... u r internally happy with a female and u still look for gay
partners and slowly comepetely u will be after men, one day the truth will
come out and ur family life will be spoiled. I have seen so may men suffering
with these kind of problems. In western contries gay men can marry gay men,
same as lesbians.
So I suggest if u r a gay or lesbian, dont get married with a straight
person. I regret most gay marriages does not last long, but married with a
straight and having children and spoil family life is worse, I have seen a lot
of gay couples living for 20 years or more happily...if u r a real gay then
dont get married with a straight, to please ur parents, after all this is
your life, u r importnat in your life more than anybody else, parents will be
gone, still u will be there and struggling.
I dont say that u neglect parents, Love them care about them and do what ever u
can do, but dont spoil ur life, u got only one life in this world. Be smart,
think well before make decision...I am working in the community centre where
people come for councilling etc. I am facing so many people like u. Get some
proper advice from a person whom u think is capable...As u r a gay why dont u
come out of the shell. We got one life we are tourchering our life because of
family, religion,
custom, community etc etc. end up your life with no real happiness??? Is that
worth while???
Anyway all the best
mellu
Sumeet Mehra <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:
Hi Utkarsh!
Well said. But hey buddy, can you tell me definition of strength and courage.
You dont want to marry because you think you cant make it with females.
In life many people make small and big achievements. Can you tell me what are
achievements? To achieve something uncommon or unusual. You want to give up
because you dont want to fight. Have you heard of a woman who gaveup in the mid
way of giving birth to a child because of the labor pain she felt. Certainly
not. So thats courage, which you lack. I am forced to use this statement. A
woman when she concieves for first time has only heard of pain but never felt
it. If even women think like you then you would not be on this earth. There are
many other examples like this.
Just look around. But you dont want to fight. You want to talk to your
parents, but have you ever spoken with yourself? You have belief on them but
you lack same belief in yourself. Its not about making people understand what
you are, but making yourself realise what you can be.
Those who dont have courage can never win a war. And life is like a war at
ever step. Even Arjun thought he could not fight but he did because Krishna was
with him. Unless you dont, how will you know that God is with you. We face in
life many times such challenges that we never thought of. We dont think that
time, what if we loose? We try all our best. Thats what we are suppose to do. I
believe in putting my best efforts to make a relation grow and then its growth
is my achievement. But a frog of well can never know about ocean. Come out of
the well, to know. Life is difficult but not that one cant beat it. You surely
lack fighting spirit.
from
Sumeet.
utkarsh <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:
Just want to add something to this discussion -
Do not make assumptions on behalf of your parents. The key to any
healthy relationship is communication and this holds true for every
kind of relationship. Our parents assume that we will be happy married
to a nice girl and they act on this assumption. We on the other hand
assume that if we ever told our parents about our sexual orientation,
they will die of grief and their lives will be destroyed. Now if only
we work up enough ourage and talk to them about our problem and why we
can not marry, things might work out in a different manner.
We have to let them know what will make us happy and then leave the
decision of whether marriage to a girl do the same on them. Our
parents have not brought us up so that we keep mum when it's most
important to speak up and destroy so many lives. Believe me no matter
how conservative, they will always love you. You have to let them know
about the true you.
Once again, marrying is not a solution, but the beginning of a very
big lifelong problem. No matter what Sumeet and the likes of him say,
I'd say stay away from marriage. it is not easy; I am still
contemplating how to come out to my parents; but I am sure about one
thing, that I will not marry. This life is too precious to while away
regretting and living with a guilty conscience.
Courage to strengthen!
--- In gay_bombay@yahoogroups.com, Sonub Jalan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:
sweetheart...i love my parents. they are the most important people in my life
and their happiness means the whole world to me. but that does not give me the
right to trap a girl into a "marriage" i am completetly disinterested in. it
would mean either living my whole life against my instints devoid of passion
and true love or cheating on her. i would rather go through this period of pain
for my parents and me, be there for them, wait for them to come to terms with
my true nature and take it from there on.
the two options you have concluded your mail with arent really the only two
options available to gay men. your outlook only belies your lack of courage to
face the challenges you are up against. and by no means am i saying the
challenges you and i have to face as gay men are trivial. but they are our
challenges that we have to face...call it karma...call it a blessing...call it
a curse. those of us who come out of it with are wits about us will live. the
other wimps will be advising hapless youngsters on how to get a hard on with
women so that they may fulfill their parents desperate superficial
dreams...against their true nature and leading everyone involved into perpetual
despair.
coolclump <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote: hi there, i've always been a silent
spectator of this grp. after reading ur reaction for gays marrying straight
women, i've a humble comment/doubt to put forth: won't it be selfish of
us(gays) if we deny getting married? cuz, the majority of the parents of gays
are conservative and it's a matter of pride for them to get their
sons/daughters married.
and we're here on the earth only because of them. it's our parents who've given
us an identity. aren't we obliged to go by their words as in case of marriage?
can't we make this sacrifice, to make our parents happy? and i'm sure gays will
definitely have children after marriage. that'll also make our parents happy
grandparents na..?
well, this is not my principle or opinion. it's just a small doubt that has
kept me in conflict for quite a long time. and i just wanna know how other gays
'll respond to this..
i understand ur point also but would u or anyone substantiate ur point of view?
how'll u tackle a question as this? would u prefer saying-'yes, i'm selfish' or
'no, i'll better make my conservative parents happy...'
cheers.. v
--- In gay_bombay@yahoogroups.com, Sonub Jalan <likluv@> wrote:
rent you contradicting yourself? "Sex is in the mind" and "still at heart we
are gay"...who are you fooling? If you have indeed attained intimacy with your
wife (proving that it is possible) then why the need to be here?
I dont know under what circumstances you have had to marry and I will not like
to sit in judgement of your actions. But this is definitely not the advise you
can give to people who are under pressure to get married to a woman. What such
people (people like me) need to know is that you will then be using a woman's
life to experiment. You are living in denial about what you and she needs and
someday you will not be able to live the pretence any longer.
For those of you who are married...you can spend the rest of your life
"adjusting" and "rubbing your wife's cheeks" or acknowledge the clossal mistake
you have made and go your separate ways. Acknowledge that you are "not a
perfect husband like heteros" and a hetro is what any straight woman deserves,
while you are respnsible for denying her that.
And then maybe some of you married guys have been lucky in that your wife has
waited long enough for you to "get physical as if it means nothing to you as
would between two friends". I know of women who kicked the living daylights out
of their husbands for not being good enough. Lots of rounds to hospitals to
cure their impotency. So dont you dare make your plight a general rule.
Get real guys. While the honourable GB list jury is still out on whether true
love is possible in the gay world, I believe it is better to be alone than to
live a lie.
I have fought really hard not to marry, being the only son in a very
conservative family. It has affected my parents health and been the cause of a
lot of tension in my family. But I would rather live with this than a wife with
whom I need to develop intimacy and "Achieving sex with one women" against my
instincts.
abbey fifty <abbeyphilip@> wrote: Guys, I'd like to make two points:
1. I share Sumeet Mehra's experiences and having done the deed, ( marrying )the
best option is to try hard to adjust. And the best policy is NOT to try getting
hard - just befriend your wife, get intimate in all other ways, and then very
slowly, get physical as if it means nothing to you as would between two friends
-like putting hand over shoulder, a kiss on the cheek and just holding hands.
The important thing is to get so used to these things that you are not
conscious. After a few months, you will be mentally relaxed enough for
stirrings of physical feelings to emerge. Remember sex is in the mind. So relax
and let time go. I went through this phase and though not a perfect husband
like heteros, we do get along.
2. We are on the list because, still, at heart we are gay in that we are
attracted physically by men. Achieving sex with one women means nothing much
except that u get to know her so well, that one learns to get along, if you
know what I mean. It happens. But the feelings stop with that one women.
Emotionally, we are very much on g-side. I am sure other married men will
understand this. But I know others will not, and I have no wish to cross swords
with them.
My purpose of writing this is to give emotional support to "arsg" , Summet and
others like them ( and me)because I am sure there will be acidic comments to
the contrary. Warm regards, A
--- Sonub Jalan <likluv@> wrote:
If you have accomplished what you have advised, what are you doing on this list?
Sumeet Mehra <sumeet_lovs_u@> wrote: Hi asrg!
I am giving you just my point of view.
I do understand in what difficult situation you are.
Maybe you might have never thought that you would land up in such a situation.
See its difficult but not impossible. You can lead a very good sex life with
your wife. I am sure you have some thoughts that is not letting you have
feelings for your wife. But as you have told you can not disclose your sex
identity to you family and please never do that. You may land up in very
complicated state of life.
See nothing in this world is impossible. You need to remove all passimist
feelings from your mind. You can surely have sex with your wife. Treat her as
your soul mate not wife. Understand her. She is the one who has hold your hand
and entered in your family. So she deserves your unconditional love. Love her.
She is the one who has taken your parents as her own. Respect her. Try giving
her love. See till you do not try nothing will happen. Don't forget that if one
desires one can do any thing and make impossible also possible.
Make Love. You need not do sex, till you are not prepared. But you can surely
make her feel loved. Slowly and gradually as you proceed start getting involved
in her. More you get involved more you will make her satisfy. Just forget the
world. Even Foget yourself, your individuality. Get lost in her. Then you will
see how things change. Do not resist any feelings. Let it come let it pass by.
Do not be concerned even if you do not get hard. Just go on and on. Do not
think of jumping for intercourse. Make her feel that she is the most loved
person in your life. You will then realise and will then understand what I have
said is truth- Nothing is impossible. You will get hard...harder...hardest and
she will then be the most happiest woman marrying to you.
Believe me, let any one say any thing. Let the whole world say that gay can not
have sex with females. But I am sharing with you my very personal experience. I
know reading this some guys may object and will say that I am Bi. But guys I
was not Bi before having sex with my wife.
So if you try the same way as I did. You will surely succeed. Even Impossible
says that I am Possible. So get set go. Enjoy!!!
Regards and All The Best, Sumeet
asrg_3 <ilhnm@> wrote: I am a gay living in Amritsar, Punjab. I have no feeling
for girls but I have been married to a girl under my family prssure. I cann't
come out. I am a reputed person and afraid of my family and society. I am not
able to do anything with my wife even after five months of my marriage. Please
tell me what should I do? Iam very much frustated.
Group Site:
http://www.gaybombay.info
Group Site:
http://www.gaybombay.info
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