Dear All,
In these days with so much troubling news in the air, I thought some
humor would help.
It turns out that Mark Twain was the first geoengineer, as explained in
his book /American Claimant/, written in 1891. After beginning the book
with this hilarious explanation about weather,
“No weather will be found in this book. This is an attempt to pull a
book through without weather. It being the first attempt of the kind in
fictitious literature, it may prove a failure, but it seemed worth the
while of some dare-devil person to try it, and the author was in just
the mood. Many a reader who wanted to read a tale through was not able
to do it because of delays on account of the weather. Nothing breaks up
an author’s progress like having to stop every few pages to fuss-up the
weather. Thus it is plain that persistent intrusions of weather are bad
for both reader and author. Of course weather is necessary to a
narrative of human experience. That is conceded. But it ought to be put
where it will not be in the way; where it will not interrupt the flow of
the narrative. And it ought to be the ablest weather that can be had,
not ignorant, poor-quality, amateur weather. Weather is a literary
specialty, and no untrained hand can turn out a good article of it. The
present author can do only a few trifling ordinary kinds of weather, and
he cannot do those very good. So it has seemed wisest to borrow such
weather as is necessary for the book from qualified and recognized
experts—giving credit, of course. This weather will be found over in the
back part of the book, out of the way. See Appendix. The reader is
requested to turn over and help himself from time to time as he goes along.”
he ends the book with geoengineering. Speaking is Colonel Sellers to
his partner, describing his money-making scheme:
“This grand new idea of mine—the sublimest I have ever conceived, will
save me whole, I am sure. I am leaving for San Francisco this moment, to
test it, by the help of the great Lick telescope. Like all of my more
notable discoveries and inventions, it is based upon hard, practical
scientific laws; all other bases are unsound and hence untrustworthy. In
brief, then, I have conceived the stupendous idea of reorganizing the
climates of the earth according to the desire of the populations
interested. That is to say, I will furnish climates to order, for cash
or negotiable paper, taking the old climates in part payment, of course,
at a fair discount, where they are in condition to be repaired at small
cost and let out for hire to poor and remote communities not able to
afford a good climate and not caring for an expensive one for mere
display. My studies have convinced me that the regulation of climates
and the breeding of new varieties at will from the old stock is a
feasible thing. Indeed I am convinced that it has been done before; done
in prehistoric times by now forgotten and unrecorded civilizations.
Everywhere I find hoary evidences of artificial manipulation of climates
in bygone times. Take the glacial period. Was that produced by accident?
Not at all; it was done for money. I have a thousand proofs of it, and
will someday reveal them.
“I will confide to you an outline of my idea. It is to utilize the spots
on the sun—get control of them, you understand, and apply the stupendous
energies which they wield to beneficent purposes in the reorganizing of
our climates. At present they merely make trouble and do harm in the
evoking of cyclones and other kinds of electric storms; but once under
humane and intelligent control this will cease and they will become a
boon to man. I have my plan all mapped out, whereby I hope and expect to
acquire complete and perfect control of the sun-spots, also details of
the method whereby I shall employ the same commercially; but I will not
venture to go into particulars before the patents shall have been
issued. I shall hope and expect to sell shop-rights to the minor
countries at a reasonable figure and supply a good business article of
climate to the great empires at special rates, together with fancy
brands for coronations, battles and other great and particular
occasions. There are billions of money in this enterprise, no expensive
plant is required, and I shall begin to realize in a few days—in a few
weeks at furthest.
“I would like you to provide a proper outfit and start north as soon as
I telegraph you, be it night or be it day. I wish you to take up all the
country stretching away from the north pole on all sides for many
degrees south, and buy Greenland and Iceland at the best figure you can
get now while they are cheap. It is my intention to move one of the
tropics up there and transfer the frigid zone to the equator. I will
have the entire Arctic Circle in the market as a summer resort next
year, and will use the surplusage of the old climate, over and above
what can be utilized on the equator, to reduce the temperature of
opposition resorts. But I have said enough to give you an idea of the
prodigious nature of my scheme and the feasible and enormously
profitable character of it.”
This is followed by the weather appendix, with quotes from various other
authors of the time.
--
Alan
Alan Robock, Distinguished Professor
Department of Environmental Sciences Phone: +1-848-932-5751
Rutgers University E-mail:
[email protected]
14 College Farm Road http://people.envsci.rutgers.edu/robock
New Brunswick, NJ 08901-8551 ☮ https://twitter.com/AlanRobock
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