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"What we know about Osama bin Laden is this -- he's worth $300
million, he has five wives and 26 kids .... and he hates Americans
for
their 'excessive' lifestyle."
-- David Letterman
"More and more details coming out now about spoiled rich kid
Osama
bin Laden. Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids. Mother must
be
exhausted This guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since
expanded it to $300 million through construction, smart investments
and
gas and oil investments. This way, he can use the money in his war
against capitalism."
-- Jay Leno
"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here
legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long
as
10-15 years.. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late
with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster
in
charge of immigration."
-- Jay Leno
"More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You
know,
he never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row... just like
Clinton."
-- Jay Leno
"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have
three words for his guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there.
She'll get his money. He'll be dead in a week."
-- Jay Leno
"It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers and
sisters. Which absolutely shocked me because I had no idea he was
Catholic"
-- Conan O'Brien
"CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're
number three."
-- David Letterman
"Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be
people
in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder."
-- Jay Leno
"I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like the networks are a
how-to manual for terrorists. You see them on the news. This
reporter
is standing outside a water treatment plant, going, 'If they poured
the
poison right here it could wipe out thousands because the guard is
off
duty from noon until 1 every day!'"
-- Jay Leno
"The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters
or
packages that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be
terrible news for the rap industry."
-- Jay Leno
"In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky Fried
Chicken restaurant on fire. The protesters mistakenly thought they
were
attacking high-ranking U.S. military official Co lonel Sanders."
-- Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update
"Tomorrow night on NBC a very special episode of West Wing, it
makes a direct reference to what happened in New York City. The exact
plot is being kept top secret. We are the only country in the world
where we put our battle plans on CNN, but the plots to our TV shows
are
top secret."
-- Jay Leno
"Pakistan's ruler Pervez Musharraf predicted the Taliban will
fall for hiding Osama bin Laden. Ex-king Zahir Shah is standing by
to
replace Mullah Mohammed Omar. And the most ominous sign of all,
President Bush has learned all their names."
-- Comedian Argus Hamilton
"There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go over there
to talk with the Taliban; apparently they were having trouble
rhyming
the word Jihad."
-- Jay Leno
"Now this really annoys me: All these people getting on the
Internet and saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus
were
alive today his name would be Miss Cleo and he'd be charging $2.99 a
minute."
-- Jay Leno
"U.S. Government has said they are now going to go after the
terrorist's electronic banking system. You know what they should
do? They should transfer bin Laden's funds to my bank. They'd mess
up
his deposits, screw up his statement and nickel and dime him to death
with service charges."
-- Jay Leno
"People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport,
but let's be honest. If your first name is Mohammed, and your last
name
isn't Ali, arrive at the airport extra early."
-- Jay Leno
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