(originally posted some two years back) Goan for the Jocular by Cecil Pinto --------------------
If you read the matrimonial adverts in the The Navhind Times every Sunday I can't blame you for thinking that there's an ample choice of good spouses, here in Goa, for anyone planning to tie the matrimonial knot. Seemingly perfect people - well qualified, good looking, earning well, and each and everyone from 'respectable' families. I am amazed that such perfect human beings do not have busloads of prospective spouses lining up at their doorstep every morning. As an experiment I decided to write a few Matrimonial Ads for unmarried people I know. Honest adverts, that tell the truth. Here goes... ------------ Respectable parents seek bride for their totally dis-respectable son (33/ 5' 8"). Smokes, drinks, and probably sleeps around too. Government officer - so money's not a problem. We're even willing to give him his share of the substantial family property (which he constantly demands), permanently - if you can take him off our hands, permanently. ------------ Goan Hindu Bhandari parents looking for grooms for our two daughters (29/ 4'10" and 26/5'2") homely. Ok that's about it - homely. We can't even say 'church-going' because we're not Christians. Anyway our daughters never move out of the house, nor talk to visitors. So 'homely' it is! And yes they're fair complexioned. Pale actually. ----------- RC Brahmin boy (29/ 5''7") from down and out family. Alcoholic, skinny, SSC fail, jobless. But pure Brahmin. So take a number and cross your fingers all you lower caste girls. I'm willing to compromise if you have a good job and own a flat and your parents have a lot of property. You can't help where you were born but at least your children will be Brahmins. If I can manage that. ----------- Broadminded Keralite Gulfee (44/ 4' 9") seeks wife. I'm quite fat. That's putting it politely. I need a broad wife. I'm not too particular, as long as you're broad hipped and broad minded. I've been pretty broad minded in my days. So I don't quite mind if you've been broad minded too. As long as you're well stacked. Life is too short. I'm not getting any younger. ------- Maharashtrian Bhandari girl (26/5'3") seeks respectable and well settled lifemate. I'm a M.Com and work for a MNC and draw a very high salary. My complexion could best be described as wheatish. Baked wheat. ------ Well-settled Manglorean Catholic divorcee (36/ 5'8"), with no issue, seeks bad looking wife. I went for good looks the first time around and see where it got me. And yes I'm pretty narrow minded about a lot of things - so no revealing attire. Even sleeveless dresses are out. And open shoes too. ------ USA based Software Engineer (26) seeks petite wife. Religion, caste, education, family background no bar. Anyone above 5'1" need not apply. And no prizes for guessing my height. ------- Muscat based well settled Roman Catholic boy (36/5'6") owning huge bungalow in Dona Paula. Wants a homely girl from respectable family. You'll spend most of your time looking after my mama - so she will decide. I'm not too particular. ------ Roman Catholic bachelor (29/6") working for small private firm seeks bride. I currently earn a six figure salary - if you count the decimal places, and the decimal point too. I'm not highly qualified or ambitious so no chances of the fancy life. We could work towards a better tomorrow together. Honestly. ========== The humour column above appeared in Goa Plus, the Friday Magazine section of The Times of India, on 21st February 2003. ==========
