(originally posted some years back) Goan for the Jocular by Cecil Pinto --------------------
Back to one of my favourite hunting grounds - Matrimonial Advertisements. Recently I read that a young man from Uttar Pradesh has approached the court claiming penalty and damages. The main thrust of his complaint is that he had agreed to marry a young woman based on her description in a Matrimonial Advertisement. She had been described as 'wheat' complexioned but on the wedding day on lifting her saree pallav he was shocked to see that she was darker than burnt coal. The young girl's lawyer claims there is no cheating involved, as in Uttar Pradesh it is common practice to offer burnt wheat on religious occasions and that was what was being referred to in the advertisement. The case is currently sub-judice. On scanning the Matrimonial Adverts, in the last few days' newspapers, I see that there are only three basic terms used to describe a prospective spouse's complexion. Fair, Wheat and Dark. What about the hundreds of variations in between? And what's this 'wheat' thing anyway? Take my complexion for example. To call me 'dark' would be an insult to normal dark people. I'm nearing 'pitch black'. Specially after a beach picnic. I suggest certain standard 'measurable' degrees of complexion be standardised, so such last minute shocks, as in the case of that Uttar Pradesh lad, do not occur. Below is an example of what I am talking about. Maybe the Indian Standards Institute can work out a more detailed table. Complexion Rating Chart: Pale: The offwhite colour of a standard new Anchor light switch. Very Fair: The milky colour of special 'paani kum' tea at Kamat's restaurant near the Panjim Church. Fair: The pinkish brown of a new Albuquerque Mangalore tile Medium: The mud like colour of a new earthen water 'cock' as sold by Persu Aunty at the Friday Mapusa market Slightly Dark: The brownish colour of a standard tea at Satkar Restaurant on 18th June Road. Medium Dark: The dark brown underside of an Albuquerque Mangalore tile that has weathered five monsoons. Very Dark: The dark brown of Putrina peanut butter Extremely Dark: The dark brown of natural palm jaggery. Wavy Dark: That peculiar neither-here-nor-there unnatural skin colour attained by the regular overuse of Fair & Lovely skin whitening cream. Pitch Black: The underside of a well burnt 'kadai'. Just when I'm getting warmed up, I have to stop. Next fortnight, if I remember, we can cover other aspects of Matrimonial Adverts that can be standardised - Salaries (what is a five-figure salary?), Education (is a 'convent educated' SSC failure superior to a Government School graduate?), demeanor (homely v/s outgoing) etc. etc. ========== The humour column above appeared in Goa Plus, the Friday Magazine section of The Times of India, on 7th November 2003. ==========
