Dear Frederick,
This is with reference to article on parenting by Savio Figueiredo. Reading
through it I could not help wondering why the full article is negatively
oriented only towards good ways of punishing kids, right places where they
could be hit and the right tools, the best ways of grounding (or is it
grinding?). When it comes to parenting what happens to positive
affirmation, praise, encouragement love and affection and understanding
specially when the kids misbehave and most need positive affirmation. a bad
report could call for a warm hug and show the child acceptance when he most
needs it and not when the parents most feels like it!? The old cliche
'spare the rod and spoil the child' - why is the 'rod' always taken to be a
stick - what about the 'rod' meaning 'rod and staff' as used by a Shepherd
to guide and nuture?
Attached is a letter I had written to Remo after his talk on social issues
at Historical Research Centre, Porvorim. You may edit it accordingly for
publication. Am also attaching reply from Remo.
Kind regards,
Anita Pereira, Porvorim
Cell no. 9822153869
Dear Remo
I am writing to you some of the things I tried to say last evening. This is
regarding what you said about our kids. If more Goan parents would be like
yours, we would have so many Remos and Belindas. I mean to say that it is
obvious that all that positive energy that is created in a child who grows
up with love, affection, understanding and topmost of it all RESPECT, by his
parents, is channelised into so much Creativity. When people worldwide are
cheering you - do they realise this?!
You can well imagine what the negative energy would result into. A lot has
been spoken about time that parents have to give their children. I know of a
family in my neighbourhood who spend their entire evening everyday with
their child - the child receives their entire attention - while the mother
is screaming about his homework, the father is beating him in a drunken
rage, these two are definetly spending time with the child.
Whether its at home, school, church - any place where there are frustrated
adults - its the children who are helplessly suffering. The look in their
eyes as they wonder ' what have I done now!! It gets grimmer because these
crimes perpetuated by parents do not come under the purview of 'abuse'. On
the other hand it proudly comes under 'discipline.' The child is presumed
'to belong' to parents and they can do whatever they want with it - thats
the general accepted fact?!
Parents, teachers, adults behave with kids exactly as a result of the way
their adults behaved with them when they were children. The sheer
helplessness of a child is stored and transmuted by the subconscious into
adult behaviour. Fine - ok we cannot help what happened in our childhood -
but it is so unfair for innocent children to take the brunt. Parents, love
their kids, so how can anyone hurt someone they love. Obviously, parents do
not realise what they do - as children do not have the power to make them
realise - so its a confusion. Unfortunately for the kids the results of
their parents' abuse comes to the fore only in adulthood. In our society,
everyone is aware of paedophilles and action is being taken and the issue
has been taken up at different levels.
Are we only so worried about sexual abuse that we are going to overlook
psychological abuse perpetuated by parents i.e. the 'kids who never grew
up?' Just because of one biological act we think we are fit to be parents
and think our love for our children is enough for us to be also wise?
There is NO right way or wrong way of bringing up kids - theres just the
WISE WAY! Wisdom cannot be learnt or inherited. Its a guidance from the
deepest recesses of our heart - where the true God is found - its called
intuition. Many a times, we would find that using wisdom would mean
deviating from accepted norms, going against what we are brought up to
believe, going against even our own judgement. But using wisdom is the only
way ofusing the 'truth'.
Parents are normal humans but are products of their upbringing, home and
social environment and the ego that is formed therefrom. Reaching the
deepest recesses of our hearts in search of truth and wisdom mean emptying
ourselves of all that has been a part of our conscious upbringing i.e. our
ego foremost and seeing beyond that into wisdom. There we will find the way
of Life and will be able to give it to our children.
For some persons this journey begins early in life through various things,
one of which would be suffering or just a journey which begins with a quest
to find true life giving happiness for themselves.
I loved what you said about the only way to bring up our kids is by using a
whole lot of WISDOM and I personally believe in respecting my kids.
Respecting their independance, way of thinking (however much it may differ
from mine), respecting their age - many will be surprised to know that their
kids actually do know BETTER THAN THEM!
I am mother to two beautiful children - Rebecca 18 years and Joshua 11
years. Never had to touch them to beat them, or slap them. All I did was
respect them - at every age - if they had to be corrected, I did it In the
privacy of our room and not showing off in front of others about what a
disciplinarian I am. Never beat them or berated them out of my Anger towards
something or someone else - but they know that when they do receive a good
scolding - its because of something really not acceptable. A remark from
school would earn them a hug - believe me that would be the last remark
brought home. When they fail or are disappointed, to us is the first place
they come to as that is where they are accepted inspite of failures and
encouraged to go ahead inspite of it. They are secure and happy kids
nuturing all their talents without a push from us - just a gentle prodding.
I could go on and on - all I want to say is WISDOM is God's answer to
parenting and enjoying it along the way - try it out - does not involve
patience or Tolerance - just a joyous discovery!!
Response from Remo
Dear Anita,
Thank you very much for your lovely letter.
You write so well, and you have such wonderful thoughts, I'm sure you could
do much for Goa through your writings. Do think about it.
Thanks also for the wonderful things you said about me... I hope I'm
deserving of at least some of them.
Best regards - Remo
Goanet Admin Note: Remo spoke at the XCHR on Mar 1, 2007
http://lists.goanet.org/pipermail/goanet-goanet.org/2007-February/054585.html
