Carvalho <[email protected]> wrote inquiring about dowry negotiations in the 1950s: ".... And perhaps a small description on the negotiations involved. Would they take place at the girl's house, the boy's house? Was there a skilled negotiator perhaps."
Here's an account of one of the stages of the negotiations involved in an arranged marriage that took place somewhere around the mid-90's but because of the class and mindset of the people involved, could very well have happened during the 50's. The boy from Camurlim and the girl from a village near Pilerne, had already 'seen' each other and had more or less approved of each other. This seeing each other stage was I think done somewhat discreetly. A go-between who knew both sets of parents arranged that at a certain time both the bride and the groom along with their families would descend at Xavier's restaurant in Mapuca where some casual talk would go on between the match maker and the various parents while girl and the boy eyed each other surreptitiously. Both of them had previously 'seen' many prospective brides and grooms previously who they did not like. The boy, a passably looking swarthy youth was a driver slogging it out in the Gulf while the girl was a prettyish 'wheatish-complexioned' lass (as nowadays the matrimonial ads would have described her) and was working in Panjim for a useless sum of money. Her father had died many years ago, and her mother, a hard working woman, distantly related to my wife, had brought her and her two brothers up, literally through the sweat of not only her brow but of her entire body. Anyway, the first stage which had been arranged by a matchmaker, was successful in that the prospective couple seemed tuned in to, or turned on by one another; but this had to be followed up by a crucial meeting where the deal had to be finalised. Two parties - from the bride's and the groom's side were invited to the girl's place to get the fine print settled. I got to be involved as a kumpar, because the girl's mother was a distant relative of my wife Bibian, and I suspect that, both of us being teachers, we were invited to attend the negotiations to subtly suggest to the groom's people that the girl came from a family of some breeding ;-) After the introduction of the people involved - I recall that there were two or three kumaris - elderly ladies on the groom's as well as the bride's side, and after casually made references to the qualities of the boy (To Sheikh XXX - ak kaam korta) and the girl (Amchem baichem randopp ...) , the parties quite quickly got down to business, discussing how much the girl was supposed to give as doth and dennem. The girl's people pointed to the cupboard that they had already purchased and pointedly said," Ami kitem amchem chedvak nagdi dhadtelli? (literally - 'Do you think we will send our daughter to you naked?' but figuratively it meant 'We will see that she will be married off with a full set of gold ornaments.' And so the parleys went on. The negotiations faltered on the issue of a sewing machine which the groom's party insisted on but which the girl's side was unwilling to offer. For me this whole scene was a culture shock. It was as if they were bargaining for some commodity in the Mapuca market. Although I claim to be a Goan, this sort of bargaining was alien to my senses. There can be many different kinds of Goas in Goa and I had landed up in one where I had not a clue. At one point infuriated I barked out that this sort of 'vannponna' was unacceptable and the groom could go to hell as the pretty bride would have any number of suitors coming to her doorstep and ... when I suddenly found my wife pinching my leg under the table rather nastily and when I looked behind I saw she was looking at me with big eyes so I stopped my babbling. The bargaining resumed. After a while the bride's side conceded defeat and agreed to provide the sewing machine, and a washing machine as well in the bargain, as I watched in dismay. As we drove back home I berated my wife for being a silent spectator to this humiliation of her relative. She told me to shut up. She said the whole show was for the benefit of the onlookers. It was meant to demonstrate to the ezmann of the bride's side the prestige of the boy's people and to display to the boy's people that this girl had enough of muscle to stand up to the groom's side and deliver the goods. She told me quite confidentally that the boy would discreetly step in and give the impoverished girl's people the money to buy the machine and also pay for the half of the wedding expenses that the girl's side had to share. I was quite amazed at this revelation. In fact this is exactly what happened. The end result is that the couple is very happily married. The husband comes home from the Gulf every two years and in the meanwhile they have three children. Carvalho also wrote: "How did the elite families of Panjim decide the worth of the girl?" To which Gabe Menezes <[email protected]> gave the following: RESPONSE: The real elite familes came from Margao and Salcete in general... My Comment: Gabe's comment is a lump of cow-dung. He is essentially referring to the Borda type of Bamons and some other landed Bamon and Chardo 'aristocrats' from Salcette. Long ago Francisco Joao da Costa using the pseudonym Gip took the piss out of this class in his classic 'Jacob e Dulce' see http://books.google.com/books?id=vUzp68cpXuUC&printsec=frontcover&dq=gip+goa&source=bl&ots=YXeTt9SiBs&sig=5pUEp2lpmdDq1xJ5IcNBEQGVa0E&hl=en&ei=UM2wTKjaFo_5cZWt8e0N&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=6&sqi=2&ved=0CCUQ6AEwBQ#v=onepage&q=gip%20goa&f=false I myself have been to a couple of weddings of these sorts where they revealed their class in more recent times in no uncertain terms. One was held at Clube Harmonia in Margao, where the vast majority of the older invitees were Faz favor - Si Senhor speaking types. The bride was from Aldona - a Bamon who could speak some Portuguese while the groom was one of the Borda Bamons. It was a very large gathering of perhaps 700 of the 'best' of mainly Salcette society. Sophisticated were they? - Apparently. Posh were they? - Evidently However just before lunch was to be served, the bride, a colleague but who already was well aware of the ways of her to-be people came and whispered to us that we were not to wait and were to quickly go and grab a bite. Yet being Bardezkars we were a bit hesitant, wishing to let others take the lead, and we watched half in amusement and half in dismay as the 'elite' of Margao attacked the buffet as if they had never seen a meal in their lives, and by the time we got to the table the food was exhausted. We left the wedding hungry but we went back home laughing. It was a memorable experience for us thanks to the 'elite' of Margao. Cheers Augusto -- Augusto Pinto 40, Novo Portugal, Moira, Bardez, Goa, India E [email protected] or [email protected] P 0832-2470336 M 9881126350
