Re: Bismillah [hidayahnet] psikologi suami n isteri

[Iskandar]

So, we have a lady psychologist-in-training doing her thesis. We were the 'selected general public' asked to discussed the matter. What an immoral thing to do. How could you, with all due respect of Alma Mater aka Menara Gading qualifications, did this? Don't tell us of your konon 'fairly justified method' to quantify the issue. Boleh Blah. I really hate people manipulate others for their own agendas. However, I wonder if a psychologist in this kind of mode really could serve the purpose. boleh ke perform without prejudice and bias? Feminism is on the rise. Semalam Pak Lah rasmikan NAM Conference on Women. Selama beberapa minggu sebelumnya, ramai pulak nak mengaku jaguh kebajikan wanita dengan pelbagai kempen. The Zionists simply laugh when the "womens' champions" dengan akurnya dance to the tune. There , you have your Tango to Dance and tag along your 'lovely hubbys' who could just nod "Yes Maam' Sorry for the harshness. Kalau bukan angin, takkan pokok bergoyang... suria insani wrote:   Assalamualaikum, I am very happy that at least some people are reading what I wrote earlier. Every one is entitled to his/her opinion but its up to the readers to agree or not. Even psychologists disagreed among each others. I think most people didn’t understand the phrase ‘ it takes two to tango’ it’s a ‘peribahasa’ which has very depth meaning. As I am running out of time to hand in my final thesis paper for my Master in Psychology not Physiology I hope in the meantime you can read here an article about the phrase. Bear in mind the original issue we talked about was communication not other things, but some people like to get carried away. RESPECT is not the only thing in a marriage.   Certain activities cannot be performed alone—such as quarreling, making love, and dancing the tango     It takes two to tango" means that two people in a fight are both responsible for that fight. Example: "He hit me first; it wasn't my fault!" Answer: "It takes two to tango." Just like a dance between two lovers (the tango); one person might start the fight, but they both keep it going; it takes two [people] to [dance the] tango. Example: "Her husband is awful; they fight all the time." Answer: "It takes two to tango." A conflict is not the fault of just one person or the other; they are often both to blame, because it takes two to tango.   And tango cant be done ALONE, ( tak pernah orang menari tango single pun)  it’s a very beautiful dance where both partners need to have understanding toward each other to perform the beautiful dancing. "Marriage is like a dance." In that statement, more is implied than just the obvious fact that it takes two to tango. In a dance both partners have to be closely attentive to each other and coordinate their steps. In order to keep the dance going, they have to be constantly moving and making a concerted effort to render the dance. While dancing, the duo gets close, very close, and then each of the partner steps back to give each other elbowroom to dance a little on their own. The work of deepening the relationship in a marriage never stops, just as the movement of dancers never stops until they intend to stop the dance. What should couples do to strengthen their marriage? Furthermore, if their marriage is in trouble, what should they do to save it? The advice is twofold: love and don't fight. Merely following one part of the advice and ignoring the other won't be adequate. Love conquers all but being constantly on the battlefield will leave a warring couple totally exhausted and eventually in a divorce court. Psychologist John Gottman, a renowned marriage researcher, has mastered the art of predicting which couples are headed for divorce. He is right 96 times out of 100. That is an incredible percentage. You just don't see that level of accuracy in social sciences because human behavior is extremely complex and open to literally millions of internal and external influences. Not only can he predict divorce so accurately, he makes that prediction after merely three minutes of observation. How does John Gottman do that? He does it by watching a couple discussing one of their most sensitive topics such as the handling of "Johnny," spending priorities or the distribution of the household responsibilities. Gottman requests a strained couple to discuss one such issue and then looks for what he calls, a "harsh startup." If one or both partners become immediately negative or accusatory, that is identified as a harsh startup. Criticism, blaming, sarcasm, sneering, mocking, or an outburst of anger delivered in the first three minutes of such a discussion are signs of a harsh startup, indicative of a seriously troubled marriage. Such a couple should seek counseling immediately. The research shows that any discussion that starts with a harsh startup will end inevitably in a negative and unhappy way. Such a discussion ends when partners withdraw, become silent and cold towards each other, cry or fight even more bitterly. It would be nice if all the partners in the world would learn the art of calmly discussing the issues on which they disagree. A couple can learn to do this by first setting a 3-minute mutual goal in which each partner makes a commitment to himself or herself, for example, "For three minutes when we discuss (matter X), I will be calm and patient. That means I will not criticize, blame, ridicule, mock, sneer, insult or say or do anything that may hurt my partner." If you decide to do this, keep a stopwatch to mark the time. Keep a note pad to mark when you or your partner commits a "foul." In the beginning, there may be some misses but if you and your partner work as a team, you both can win. Note, it is for just three minutes you have to do this, but don't underestimate the size of this task. Those three minutes can be the longest three minutes imaginable and may take everything you have to accomplish your goal. But when you succeed in achieving this goal several times in a row without a foul, you deserve to be congratulated. You have accomplished a no small feat. Now you are ready to set a 15-minute mutual goal. A 15-minute mutual goal is similar to the 3-minute goal, just longer. For 15 minutes you and you partner set a goal discussing a pre-agreed topic of disagreement, that is, a topic on which you both have frequently disagreed in the past. The selected topic need not be the sorest and the bitterest issue between the two of you. You can take the most contentious issue when you have acquired some more experience. Again, set your watch and sit down. Before proceeding, agree with your partner to disagree. For those 15 minutes, partners should make a commitment to themselves to refrain from criticism, blame, sarcasm, cynicism, name calling, eye rolling, sneering, mockery, etc. They should make a few positive rules as to how they would go about discussing the chosen topic of disagreement. Here are a few examples of such rules: only one person speaks at a time, at the most for two to three minutes, gives a signal to the other partner when finished, and so on. Any couple which can accomplish the 15-minute goal several times in a row and has succeeded in discussing the most sore and bitter issue of disagreement without failing, has nothing to fear. That couple has eliminated unhealthy fighting from their disagreements. Their love can thrive in this emotional climate. Research shows that highly negatively charged partners, who habitually engage in heated arguments, fighting and hurling insults at each other, are more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses such as cold and from such stress related illnesses as high blood pressure, chronic pain, or heart problems. Men should particularly take note of this. During a heated argument, his heart beats faster than hers and stays accelerated for longer periods even after the argument is over. -Martabat wanita memang telah diangkat tinggi oleh Rasulullah tetapi segelintir manusia masih memandang wanita itu rendah. Bersyukurlah kerana anda seorang suami yang baik, alhamdulillah tapi lihatlah dikeliling anda apa yang saban hari dilaporkan oleh media tentang nasib wanita? Bukan tujuan untuk mencabar 'status quo' demi memertabatkan wanita tapi fikir-fikirkan lah...kita diberi akal adakah wanita hari ni diberi layanan yang sepatutnya.. Dan alhamdulillah juga saya bukan wanita yang bernasib malang mari tengok hadith ni sekali lagi; Wanita yang taat akan suaminya, semua ikan-ikan di laut, burung di udara, malaikat di langit, matahari dan bulan semua beristighfar baginya selama mana dia taat kepada suaminya serta menjaga sembahyang dan puasanya dan Wanita yang solehah (baik) itu lebih baik daripada 1,000 lelaki yang soleh   Barangsiapa membawa hadiah, (barang makanan dari pasar ke rumah lalu diberikan kepada keluarganya, maka pahalanya seperti bersedekah). Hendaklah mendahulukan anak perempuan daripada anak lelaki. Maka barangsiapa yang menyukakan anak perempuan seolah-olah dia memerdekakan anak Nabi Ismail.  Barangsiapa yang menggembirakan anak perempuannya, darjatnya seumpama orang yang sentiasa menangis kerana takutkan Allah s.w.t. dan orang yang takutkan Allah s.w.t., akan diharamkan api neraka ke atas tubuhnya.  Apabila seseorang perempuan mulai sakit hendak bersalin, maka Allah s.w.t. mencatatkan baginya pahala orang yang berjihad pada jalan Allah s.w.t.  Doa perempuan lebih makbul daripada lelaki kerana sifat penyayangnya yang lebih kuat daripada lelaki. Ketika ditanya kepada Rasulullah s.a.w. akan hal tersebut, jawab Baginda s.a.w., "Ibu lebih penyayang daripada bapa dan doa orang yang penyayang tidak akan sia-sia".  Apabila seseorang perempuan mengandung janin dalam rahimnya, maka beristighfarlah para malaikat untuknya. Allah s.w.t. mencatatkan baginya setiap hari dengan 1,000 kebajikan dan menghapuskan darinya 1,000 kejahatan.  Tingginya martabat wanita tapi malang ada anak perempuan yang di#### oleh si abang, ayah, pak sedara, datok pun ada?     ==Till then== [EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote: Assala'mualaikum Warohmatullah Hiwabarokatuh.. tango is not part of problem solving in family affair.. after all its only a dance.. tolak ketepi bab EGO dan SKILL IMPROVING including "I am honored to listen to his problem"... dalam perkahwinan RESPECT merupakan satu bahagian peranan yg teramat penting.. bagi suami isteri.. yg eloknyer ialah berbincang dimasa lapang akan keperibadian masing2.. dlm hal ini si isteri kena respect aper yg suami hendak dan begitu juga dengan suami.. bagi saya dan isteri saya.. kami sentiasa berbincang mengenai expectation masing2.. dan dimasa itu jugalah kedua2 pihak harus memainkan peranan untuk menyatakan dan menyuarakan mana2 expectation yg tidak disenangi dengan memberikan alasan dan menyatakan sebab.. contoh : saya memberitahu isteri kalau pada mana2 masa dier lihat air muka saya berubah seperti dlm keadaan marah atau bermasalah.. cubalah bertanya.. dan sekiranyer reaksi saya hanya memandang dan diam tanpa jawapan.. berdiam dirilah dan laksanakan tugas2 lain seperti biasa sehingga saya menyapanyer semula.. dan itu hanya pada masalah yg tidak melibatkan keluarga.. itu di antaranyer.. mungkin bagi pihak lain, lain pula caranyer... sebab tu yg penting ialah bermuzakarah antara suami isteri.. tapi untuk menyatakan "Malay men especially are very typical to downgraded women"... i think its not fair for all malay mens out there.. WHO are you asking to improve on communication skills ??? Malay mens or your loved one ??? TANGAN YG MENGHAYUN BUAI BOLEH MENGGEGARKAN DUNIA... its true but only if you're willing to take the consequences.. for me.. the sentences stays perfect as it is.. but in life.. don't think it will make you as grand as it sound.. ISLAM has it own rules and fundamentals to be a good wife.. Rasulullah bersabda: "Wanita yang taat terhadap suaminya, diminta ampun oleh burung di angkasa, ikan-ikan di dalam air, malaikat di langit, matahari dan bulan, selama wanita itu ada dalam kerelaan suaminya. Dan setiap wanita yang derhaka kepada suaminya, maka kepadanyalah laknat Allah, malaikat dan manusia semuanya. Dan setiap wanita yang bermuka masam di muka suaminya, jesteru itu ia ada dalam kemurkaan Allah Ta'ala sampai ia (wanita/isteri) bersenda gurau dengan suaminya dan ia meminta kerelaanya.. Dan setiap wanita yang keluar dari rumahnya tanpa izin suaminya, jesteru itu malaikat melaknatnya hingga ia pulang." (Riwayat Al Bazzar) suria insani m.sg> cc: Sent by: Subject: Re: Bismillah [hidayahnet] psikologi suami n isteri [EMAIL PROTECTED] s.com 05/04/05 07:07 AM “Orang yang paling baik di antara kamu adalah orang yang paling baik perlakuan terhadap isterinya, dan akulah orang yang paling baik perlakuan terhadap isteri. Orang Mukmin yang sempurna imannya ialah mereka yang baik akhlaknya dan berlemah lembut terhadap isteri mereka” – hadis riwayat At Tarmizi. fahamilah hadith di atas semoga beroleh iman yang sempurna. -and remember it takes two to tango. kalau satu pihak mengharapkan satu pihak aja maka pincanglah tarian tadi. [EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote: Assalamualaikum... Bukan orang melayu yang memandang rendah pada perempuan. Dan bukan juga ego. Tapi perkataan yang paling sesuai ialah privasi. Orang lelaki cuma mahukan privasi. Bila kepala dah berserabut dengan problem, bukan langkah yang baik bercerita kepada orang lain akan masalah kita kerana ia akan menyebabkan kita teringat masalah itu dan akan menambahkan sakit hati. Di saat itu, jika sang isteri benar2 ingin membantu suaminya menyelesaikan masalah, adalah lebih baik mendiamkan diri dan jangan timbulkan masalah baru. Kalau dah tau suami tengah mandom, adalah lebih baik kalau isteri pastikan anak2 tidak mengganggu si suami. Pastikan suasana rumah dalam keadaan tenang. Siapkan perkara2 yang perlu seperti makanan, persediaan mandi & sebagainya. Jika perlu, persiapkan diri juga. Berwangi2an lah. Bersoleklah agar dapat menaikkan berahinya. Sex adalah salah satu ubat yang mujarab dan mampu meredakan ketegangan. Setelah sama2 menikmati kerseronokan, barulah cuba bertanya masalahnya. Mungkin ketika itu baru dia mahu bercerita. Atau yang lebih baik, biarkan dia tidur dahulu. Esok, ketika breakfast, baru tanya. Jangan cuba selesaikan masalah suami melainkan diminta. Cukup setakat dengar. Kemudian berilah kata2 peransang. Mintalah dia beringat kepada Allah setiap masa. InsyaAllah dia akan tenang. Lebih cantik, cakap pada dia "Nanti lepas solat, Ayang doa utk Abang. Ok? Tapi Abang pun mesti solat & doa gak tau. Kalau sama2 berdoa lebih mudah makbul." Dan berikan senyuman termanis buat dia. Perkara ini dilakukan oleh isteri saya. Alhamdulillah. Saya yang asalnya terlampau panas baran, akhirnya menjadi seorang yang tenang. Kalau dulu, ntah berapa banyak handset saya hancur akibat dicampak ketika marah. Skang ni, apabila tensen, cukup sekadar bercakap dengan isteri saya. Tanpa meninggi diri & berlagak macam faham masalah saya, isteri saya buat saya jadik orang yang lebih baik. Segala puji bagi Allah. Apabila anda bersikap sebegini, suami anda akan lebih menghargai anda. Dan apabila isteri pula mengalami masalah, si suami sedia mendengar. Biasanya isteri lebih suka minta pendapat suami. Tetapi si suami jarang mahu beri pandangan kerana berpendapat sikap perempuan sama seperti lelaki. Kalau begitu, nyatakanlah kepadanya bahawa anda mahukan pandangannya. Sekiranya pandangannya tidak anda persetujui, jangan mencebikkan muka. Sebaliknya cubalah bersikap seolah2 itu jalan yang baik. Beberapa jam kemudian, berceritalah lagi masalah anda tapi dalam version yang lain. Cuba pertajamkan penerangan anda dan secara tidak langsung memberitahu jalan penyelesaian yang diberikannya tak berkesan. InsyaAllah dia akan faham. Seharusnya isteri yang cuba memahami suami terlebih dahulu. Hiburkanlah mereka. Kemudian, dengan kebaikan & kelembutan serta kesetiaan anda membuatkan anda dihargai sekaligus menjadikan anda lebih penting buat suami. Jangan persoalkan mengapa isteri yang perlu mulakan dulu. Bukankah Hawa diciptakan untuk menghiburkan Adam? Atau... Anda berpendapat Adam diciptakan untuk menghiburkan Hawa? Fikirkanlah... Wallahu'alam... suria insani , hidayahnet@yahoogroups.com m.sg> cc: Sent by: Subject: Re: Bismillah [hidayahnet] psikologi suami n isteri [EMAIL PROTECTED] s.com 04/29/2005 12:42 AM Nama pun perkahwinan itu suatu perkongsian, by right both should share everything for better for worst till death do us part? Kenapa tak boleh share masalah, what ever it is, I think as a wife, I would think that I am honored to listen to his problem.. orang lelaki yang selalu ada masalah komunikasi as you said ego too big? Why not reduce the ego a little. Sometimes men expect women to understand them on the other hand they are not willing to do the same? they assumed women should know what is going on in their mind. Malay men especially are very typical to downgraded women, they think ‘what do women know about this and that’ they forgot we are capable of handling major crisis and giving solution too..remember the old saying ? Tangan yang menghayun buai boleh menggoncang dunia? Instead of confronting women, they choose to hang out at café or mamak stall. Of course there are some men who didn’t like to make their wives worry by telling them such problem, but you will never knew if you didn’t try it, do you? So improve your communication skill in order to have a better and understanding relationship with your partner. You got to tell your partner what you like and don’t like, some men just wanted some space when they are having crisis, why not tell your wife that you wanted to be alone for a while….again communication! If you guys just open your mouth a little bit , there shouldn’t be any cave for you to hang out, there would be no dragon to chase you either. This is not in term of sharing problems with your wives alone but a lot of things that men especially the malays are not willing to tell.. its very hard for them to tell their feelings toward their wives. Why not once a while tell them how much you love them, or appreciate what they been doing so far, or admired their guts, or love the food they cooked for you etc etc etc. but as usual they assumed women already knew their feelings and everything.......... Ok guys talk to your partner ….two heads are better than one! After all it takes two to tango… /> My psychologist point of view -------------------------------------------------------------------------- All views expressed herein belong to the individuals concerned and do not in any way reflect the official views of Hidayahnet unless sanctioned or approved otherwise. If your mailbox clogged with mails from Hidayahnet, you may wish to get a daily digest of emails by logging-on to http://www.yahoogroups.com to change your mail delivery settings or email the moderators at [EMAIL PROTECTED] with the title "change to daily digest". Yahoo! 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