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PAS : KE ARAH PEMERINTAHAN ISLAM YANG ADIL
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1. Love Bug virus wreaks havoc
----------------------------------------
A virus spread by mail messages titled 'ILOVEUMNO' has caused havoc in
Malaysia after crippling the brains of more than 2,000 people in Kuala
Lumpur and threatening the intelligence of millions more in the country.
The virus first appeared in the early days of May, causing thousands of
people to flock to hotels in Kuala Lumpur expecting envelopes of cash to
be slipped under the doors of their hotel rooms. Once users open these
envelopes, they are immediately contaminated by the virus, which then
causes them to be spineless sycophantic idiots who clap and cheer wildly
at any puerile utterance from the UMNO leadership.
The virus then spreads, causing victims to be transformed into lifeless
zombies mumbling "I Love UMNO � kini, sekarang dan selamanya" repeatedly
for years on end. The virus spreads even more rapidly in enclosed areas
such as the Putra World Trade Centre.
A more vicious hybrid of the virus, the 'ILOVEMAHATHIR' virus, can
completely destroy every shred of a person's free will, integrity,
self-respect and independent thought, causing victims to fall to their
knees in servile, humiliating homage to Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad.
Users are advised to protect themselves from the devastating virus by
deleting from their minds any text that contain the word 'UMNO' or
'MAHATHIR'.
2. UMNO committed to upholding democracy
--------------------------------------------------------
The UMNO Elections this month clearly demonstrated UMNO's commitment to
upholding democracy when the president, deputy president and youth chief
of the movement were all re-elected unopposed. "This demonstrates that
democracy is alive and strong in UMNO," said an UMNO delegate who
refused to be named. "In fact, we have made democracy simpler to use �
we give people the choice of only one person to vote for, so they don�t
have to make any difficult choices."
Another delegate who refused to be named added that the next General
Assembly should probably dispense with all the time-wasting caused by
elections and just declare Mahathir president for life, Abdullah Badawi
deputy president for life and Hishammuddin Youth head for life. "That
way, we can have more time during the Assembly to make droning speeches
worshipping, idolizing and praising the party leadership."
Many of the motions tabled at the General Assembly by the delegates also
reflected UMNO's strong stand on democracy. Among these were motions to
fire civil servants who did not support UMNO; ban opposition newspapers;
ban opposition parties; stop scholarships of students who did not
support UMNO; recruit only civil servants who supported UMNO and award
government projects and contracts only to UMNO supporters. "UMNO is
clearly becoming more liberal, tolerant and open to criticism," the
delegate mused. 'Frankly, I personally think all these Opposition
trouble-makers should be blindfolded, handcuffed and beaten to a pulp by
our Chief of Police. But that is not in our culture.'
3. Mahathir says he might retire � again
--------------------------------------------------
Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad this month announced that he might
retire by the year 2003 � the latest in a long, predictable series of
announcements of his impending retirement. Mahathir had earlier promised
that he would retire after the Commonwealth Games in 1998. He then
announced that he would retire after the Asian economic crisis was over.
He then announced that he would retire as soon as he found a suitable
deputy Prime Minister. Various other retirement announcements followed,
the latest of which was when he announced the new Cabinet line-up last
November.
Political analysts, however, speculated that the Prime Minister's
retirement may come much later than most expect. "He had earlier
indicated that he would not resign until a 'replica' of himself had been
found," said an analyst who refused to be named. 'We may have to wait
until the time when genetic cloning technology reaches the stage where
that is achievable.'
Meanwhile, the Kuala Lumpur stock market did not react at all to
Mahathir's announcement of his retirement plans, as no one believed him.
4. There is no rift, says Daim
-----------------------------------
Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad this month denied speculation that
Finance Minister Daim Zainuddin would resign due to a rift between the
two. The recent appointment of a top financial advisor to Mahathir
further fueled speculation that Daim was being eased out of office.
Mahathir denied that there was a rift between them, saying they 'still
smile and hug each other.'
Two years ago, Mahathir denied speculation that Finance Minister Anwar
Ibrahim would resign due to a rift between the two. The appointment of
Daim then as a top financial advisor to Mahathir further fueled
speculation that Anwar was being eased out of office. Mahathir denied
that there was a rift between them, saying "Do I have to kiss him on the
street to prove there is no rift between us?"
A political analyst who refused to be named said that it was evident the
current rumours were unfounded. "Mahathir had said he'd kiss Anwar to
prove there was no rift. With Daim, he only hugs him. The relationship
has not reached kissing stage yet - this is a clear indication that Daim
is still in favour."
Meanwhile, the Kuala Lumpur stock market reacted to Mahathir's denial by
dipping 0.9 percentage points, as no one believed him.
5. Riot police disperse illegal assemblies
--------------------------------------------------
Just weeks after they were called to disperse illegal assemblies of
Reformasi supporters commemorating last year's April 14th sentencing of
Anwar Ibrahim, riot police were again called in to disperse illegal
assemblies of UMNO delegates collecting big wads of cash to vote in this
month's UMNO elections.
Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad this month complained that delegates
were arriving early in Kuala Lumpur many days before the UMNO Elections
were to begin, hoping to receive cash from candidates contesting for
party posts. He ordered delegates to leave Kuala Lumpur.
'It was evident that the delegates ignored the 'go home' order and
refused to disperse, so we had to take action," said a senior FRU
officer who refused to be named. Water cannon attacked five-star hotel
lobbies, discotheques and karaoke lounges across Kuala Lumpur,
scattering wet delegates who left behind hundreds of unmarked brown
envelopes full of hundred ringgit notes.
"The poor UMNO president has been crying his eyes out for the past three
UMNO Elections telling these people not buy votes and they still keep on
doing it," the officer said. "Sterner action needed to be taken."
In a related development, hoteliers, karaoke lounge operators,
disotheque owners and guest relations officers protested the 'go home'
order, saying it was hurting business. "To prevent delegates from
spending their hard-earned bribes is a flagrant abuse of their human
rights," said guest relations officer Fanny Kwan as an UMNO delegate
slipped a fifty ringgit note down her cleavage.
6. Police recover missing person abducted from newspaper
---------------------------------------------------------
Police this month revealed that they had identified the mysterious
person who went missing from a newspaper article in the Nanyang Siang
Pau. Readers were mystified when the newspaper published an article on
the "Ten Worst Enemies of the Press" but proceeded to name only nine
individuals. The article highlighted nine individuals who were named by
the Committee to Protect Journalists, including world leaders such as
Yugoslavia's Slobodan Milosevic, Iran's Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Cuba's
Fidel Castro and China's Jiang Zemin.
However, the tenth person was not named and was suspected missing.
Suspecting foul play, readers lodged a missing persons report with
police.
"We initially suspected that the tenth person was among the hostages
kidnapped from Sipadan,' said a police spokesman who refused to be
named. 'However, our investigations have revealed that the missing
person is, in fact, safe and sound, and was last seen at the Putra World
Trade Centre.'
So as not impede on-going investigations, he would not reveal the name
of the missing tenth person, only hinting that the person is "a Prime
Minister of Malaysia".
"We suspect that this is the work of foreigners jealous of our success
who did not want yet another 'Malaysia Boleh' achievement highlighted to
the world community," the spokesman speculated.
7. Police introduce innovative sex education programme
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police this month denied allegations of torture and cruelty, claiming
that detainees were forced to perform sex shows for police guards as
part of a new sex education programme for prisoners. The allegations
emerged in the trial of Tenaganita director Irene Fernandez when
witnesses testified that detainees were stripped naked and regularly
forced to masturbate each other, perform oral sex and smear sperm on
their faces while an audience of laughing and clapping policemen
watched. Detainees who refused to perform the sexual acts were kicked
and beaten, with one detainee dying from his wounds.
"We are disappointed that what we initiated as a useful sex education
programme for detainees was misconstrued as torture and cruelty on our
part," said a police spokesman who refused to be named. "We just wanted
to highlight to prisoners the ills of masturbation and oral sex and the
importance of moral values," he stressed as he pushed a Bangladeshi
detainee's penis into a Burmese detainee's mouth. He added that the
programme was painstakingly developed using techniques pioneered while
extracting voluntary confessions from suspects in the Anwar Ibrahim
police investigations.
He added that even UMNO was now conducting such education programmes for
its members. "In 1998, the Prime Minister himself taught Malaysians
about how to masturbate and insert penises into anuses in televised
press conferences to Malaysians. And just this month, he was describing
to delegates at the UMNO General Assembly how homosexuals 'depan,
belakang, kiri, kanan pun boleh.'"
8. It was self-inflicted, says Sansui supporter
--------------------------------------------------------
A supporter of Sanusi Junid said reports that two Malaysia Airlines
staff were assaulted by the former Kedah Menteri Besar were slanderous
lies and claimed that the wounds they suffered were actually
self-inflicted. The supporter who refused to be named was commenting on
the police report lodged by the MAS employees against Sanusi for
allegedly slapping and kicking them at the KL International Airport this
month.
'They were 'safe and sound' when Sanusi left the airport," the supporter
claimed. 'I have no doubt their wounds were self-inflicted. Either that,
or Sansui was provoked. I heard them call him a father of dogs just
because he made some obscene hand gestures at them."
Police are investigating the assault and have called on the services of
former police chief Rahim Noor to conduct an independent investigation.
>From previous experience, even if convicted, it is not expected that
Sanusi's jail term would exceed a couple of months.
9. UMNO committed to eradicating corruption
---------------------------------------------------------
The UMNO Elections this month clearly demonstrated UMNO's commitment to
eradicating corruption when Rafidah Aziz regained her position as UMNO
Wanita Chief and former Selangor Chief Minister Muhammad Taib was
elected an UMNO Vice President. An UMNO veteran who refused to be named
praised the results. "When the delegates can elect someone who was
investigated by the Anti-Corruption Agency for giving her son-in-law
millions in shares and someone else who was caught overseas with
millions in cash in his luggage, you can be assured that the new UMNO
line-up is serious about combating corruption."
He added that the two new appointments also reflected UMNO's commitment
to family values. "One was helping out her son-in-law, the other was
helping out his brother. Foreigners out to re-colonise us may call it
'nepotism' � we prefer to call it 'family values'"
An UMNO spokesman said that he was pleased that UMNO delegates had
forgiven Muhammad Taib for past mistakes. "After all, I'm sure we've
*all* had excess baggage problems when we travel overseas. In fact, he
only had 19 kilos of cash and we all know the baggage limit for
international flights is 20 kilos."
He denied claims that Muhammad was celebrating his victory by going on
holiday to Australia. He also denied rumours that Muhammad was eyeing
the Foreign Ministry portfolio. "For one thing, he�d probably have to
sit for an English test first."
10. UMNO committed to youth
-----------------------------------
UMNO Youth will strive to woo more young people into the movement "UMNO
Youth has to make this effort and will target fifth formers who will
become eligible voters by 2004," said newly-elected Youth head
Hishammuddin Tun Hussein. "These students will be the three million new
voters in the next general election," said an UMNO Youth delegate who
refused to be named. "I don�t think we can get away with not making them
eligible to vote, like we did with the 680,000 new voters last year."
The delegate also supported Hishamuddin's call on the Youth and Sports
Ministry to give emphasis to youth in its activities. "For example, UMNO
Youth want the opportunity to organise its own successful parachute
jumps over the South Pole. UMNO Youth Boleh!'
Hishammuddin also told delegates that "UMNO Youth is still bold and not
toothless as alleged by some.' To illustrate the point, he removed his
dentures and showed delegates a fine set of molars that were still
intact.
"UMNO Youth successes are due to the boldness of our past leaders," the
delegate added. "And look what happened to our past two leaders!"
11. UMNO committed to scandalizing Anwar
-----------------------------------------------------
UMNO clearly demonstrated it is still shit scared of Anwar Ibrahim when
its President devoted more than 18 paragraphs to the man in his address
to the delegates, continuing the fine UMNO tradition of scandalizing the
man in public without him being present to defend himself. A more
permanent feature of this noble tradition was added this year when a
giant mural in the Putra World Trade Centre depiciting the history of
UMNO added a segment showing scenes of an angry Mahahtir next to
newspapers announcing Anwar's sacking in September 1998.
An UMNO official who refused to be named said that a new mural will be
added next year depicting Anwar being beaten to a pulp by former police
Chief Rahim Noor, as well as scenes of Reformasi supporters being
attacked by water cannon and beaten on the streets by riot police.
"These are proud, noble moments in UMNO history which we want to record
for posterity," the official said with tears of pride streaming in his
eyes. "The new mural will also serve as a valuable lesson to future
generations of UMNO leaders � U Must Not Object!'
12. UMNO committed to the Malay Agenda
-----------------------------------------------------
More than 2,000 delegates attended what was the first UMNO General
Assembly of the new millennium. Below was the agenda of this historical
event:
May 11th, 2000
9 am � Reciting of Doa to show Malays UMNO is just as Islamic as PAS
9.30 am � Delegates sing new UMNO song "Mahahtir, Dulu, Kini dan
Selamanya"
10 am - The President's Opening Address on important UMNO issues such
how Malays are lazy, ungrateful and greedy and should be as loyal and
money-minded as Chinese, the evil incarnate of Anwar Ibrahim, foreigners
out to re-colonise us, the evil incarnate of Anwar Ibrahim, the evil
incarnate of the Opposition, the evil incarnate of Anwar Ibrahim, more
on the evil incarnate of Anwar Ibrahim
11 am � Delegate speeches of praise, adulation and glorification of
Mahahtir
1 pm � Lunch break
2 pm - More delegate speeches of praise, adulation and glorification of
Mahahtir
5 pm � Adjourn back to hotels, discotheques and karaoke lounges to
receive brown envelopes from candidates
May 12th, 2000
9 am � Motions and resolutions condemning Anwar Ibrahim
11 am � Motions and resolutions praising, adoring and glorifying
Mahahtir
1 pm � Lunch break
2 pm � Motions and resolutions condemning the Opposition, especially PAS
3 pm � Motions and resolutions condemning Anwar Ibrahim (continued from
morning session)
4 pm - Motions and resolutions condemning foreigners out to re-colonise
us
5 pm � Adjourn back to hotels, discotheques and karaoke lounges to
receive more brown envelopes from remaining candidates
May 13th, 2000
9 am � Motions and resolutions condemning Anwar Ibrahim (continued from
previous day)
10 am � More motions and resolutions praising, adoring and glorifying
Mahahtir
11 am � More motions and resolutions condemning the Opposition,
especially PAS
1 pm � Lunch break
2 pm � More motions and resolutions condemning foreigners out to
re-colonise us
3 pm � Final motions and resolutions condemning Anwar Ibrahim (to be
continued next year)
4 pm - The President's Closing Address on important UMNO issues such
how Malays are lazy, ungrateful and greedy and should be as loyal and
money-minded as Chinese, the evil incarnate of Anwar Ibrahim, foreigners
out to re-colonise us, the evil incarnate of Anwar Ibrahim, the evil
incarnate of the Opposition, the evil incarnate of Anwar Ibrahim, more
on the evil incarnate of Anwar Ibrahim
5 pm � Performance of UMNO song "Mahahtir, Dulu, Kini dan Selamanya" by
Siti Nurhaliza
5.10 pm � Reciting of Doa to again show Malays UMNO is just as Islamic
as PAS
6 pm - Adjourn back to hotels, discotheques and karaoke lounges to
receive allocations of government projects and contracts
/\__/\
o o
={_!_}=
Sabri Zain
REFORMASI DIARY at http://reformdiary.cjb.net
"They invade our space and we fall back.
They assimilate entire worlds and we fall back.
NEVER AGAIN, THE LINE MUST BE DRAWN HERE!"
-Captain Jean-Luc Picard, Star Trek 'First Contact'
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