On the sign outside your church, announce in big clear letters that the early service starts at 08:00 AM and the family service at 10:00 AM. Then every three months or so, have a single combined service on a Sunday so that a congregational meeting can be held after worship, and begin that single service at 09:00 AM. On the preceding Wednesday or Thursday, stick a small hand-written note on the side entrance door to the church (a door which is not visible from the street), saying that there will be one service next Sunday, starting at 09:00 AM. Under no circumstances display any other sign that the times of worship have been changed. When some newcomers to the area arrive at the church at about 09:45 AM, expecting to be early for the Family Service, and having spent the last hour or so getting their kids organised and ready, they will find the doors of the church closed and the minister nearly finished his sermon.
Lesson 2:
Make sure that there are no signs or directions in the car park (apart from one on the parking bay reserved for the minister). Have one of the senior members of the congregation patrol the car park before worship starts.When some newcomers arrive and park in one of the unmarked bays, that person can authoritatively walk up to them after they have locked and left their car and order them to move it by saying "You must not park there. Those bays are reserved for the elderly members of the congregation."
Lesson 3:
Allow the newcomers to enter the church by themselves, find a pew and sit down. Then, after they are seated and have settled their kids, have someone come up to them and say in a loud voice "Excuse me! You cannot sit there. That's where Mr and Mrs Smith always sit."
Lesson 4:
Begin each service of worship by having someone come to the lectern in order to welcome the congregation and make the announcements. Have that person ask if there are any visitors. When the newcomers do not respond, have the welcomer look directly at the newcomers and ask again "Do we have any visitors with us this morning?" When the newcomers still do not respond, have someone who is sitting in a pew in front of the newcomers turn around, point to the visitors and say loudly, "There's some new ones over here - there's some visitors sitting here!".
Lesson 5:
When the minister comes to the front of the church to begin his "children's talk", have him invite all the "young folk" to join him. If the newcomers have a young child, then one of the members of the congregation sitting near them should turn and say to the child "Go out to the front dear." If the child cuddles up to its mother more closely, have the member say in a raised voice to the mother, "The children always go out front now." If the mother declines this further invitation, the member should mutter something about "people who don't respect our ways".
Lesson 6:
When the minister has finished his "children's time", have him announce that it is time for the children to leave for Sunday School. The newcomer's shy child may want to stay with its parents, so have someone sitting behind them lean over and say to the child "You must go out to Sunday School now, dear". The frightened child may not budge, so that person should prod the child's mother in the back and say "Your child has to go out to Sunday School now". When the mother declines, another member of the congregation sitting in a nearby pew should turn around and say to her, with obvious annoyance, "Children are not supposed to be in the next part of the service."
Lesson 7:
When the offering is made and the stewards bring the bowls to the front, have the congregation stand and begin to sing. By now, the newcomers may have worked out that the numbers on the boards at the front of the church are the numbers of the hymns in the hymn book which the minister announces will be sung. But the minister should make no announcement about the offering hymn and what the congregation sings will not be one of the hymns on the board. There should be no words to any other hymn in the news sheet or on any other pieces of paper which were handed out with the hymn book. So the newcomers will have to stand with the rest of the congregation but they can't join in the singing because they will not have a clue what is being sung, even though the rest of the congregation apparently knows the words off by heart.
Lesson 8:
If it is a communion Sunday, do not under any circumstances explain what is to happen next. Have the congregation stand and sit several times during the period leading up to the distribution of the wine and bread, without any apparent prompting from the minister at the front. Finally have the congregation file out at the direction of the Elders, pew by pew, to receive the bread and wine from the minister at the front. Because it may all be very new and strange to them, the newcomers may be hesitant to join in communion. They may not want to leave their seats and come out to the front. A gentleman sitting next to them in the pew should turn to them and demand "Please hurry up. You're holding up the rest of the pew." The newcomers may move their legs, trying to make space for people in the pew to get past them. But their neighbour should then say with some obvious irritation "Please move out. We cannot get past you." If the newcomers do get out of the pew, but are still reluctant to come to the front to receive communion, then the Elder who is directing that pew should say to them "Please stop getting in peoples' way. Everyone must go to the front to receive communion." By now, many in the congregation will be staring at the newcomers, so someone in higher authority should now stride up to the pew and ask "What appears to be the problem? Everybody knows that the first Sunday in the month is communion Sunday."
------------------------------------------------------ - You are subscribed to the mailing list [EMAIL PROTECTED] - To unsubscribe, email [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put in the message body 'unsubscribe insights-l' (ell, not one (1)) See: http://nsw.uca.org.au/insights-l-information.htm ------------------------------------------------------
