From: Daniel Suartyo
Noah in modern times
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain
until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are
destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of
living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark." And in a
flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for the Ark.
"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my
Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The
Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no
Ark.
"Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lighting bolt crashed to the
ground next to Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big
problems.
First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your
plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans.
Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler
system.
My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in
my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a
ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and
Wildlife that I needed wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch
any owls. So no owls.
Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a
settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up
a saw or hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat and still no owls.
Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by animal rights group. They
objected to me taking only two of each kind.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete
the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the
conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of
the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment
Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS
has seized all my assets claiming. I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving
the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of
use tax.
I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years,"
Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the
sky.
Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?"
Noah asked, hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has"
=================================================
From: indra sanjaya
What the Jew Learned
(from: Giovani Boccaccio's DECAMERON)
One may be called a stout Christian after buying one's own Mercedes - it's
hardly looked on as a queer thing today.
THERE was an Italian queen and her company. One day she asked one of them to
tell a very good story. The shy female obeyed the polite request merrily and
said: "Once there lived a wealthy silk merchant in Paris. He was Jehannot. One
of his dearest friends was a wealthy Jew called Abraham. He was a merchant too,
a man you could speak with in a very frank and direct manner. Abraham believed
nothing to be so good and holy as the Jewish religion. He was firm in that
decision.
But Jehannot wanted to convert him, and made advances day after day,
trying to hoist excellent and pregnant reasons for any merchant why the
Christian faith was better than any Jewish blunder or falsehood.
Although Abraham was a rather learned man, the words of Jehannot were
grandly fortified by the holy Spirit, till finally one day Abraham spoke up to
his friend in this way: "You want to make a Christian of me, so I'll travel to
Rome to see the one you say is Gods general vicar here on earth. I'll study the
pope's life and manners full well, and also those of his cardinals. If this
makes me understand that your faith and religion is better then mine, I'll
become a Christian too. Otherwise I'll just continue as I am."
When Jehannot heard these words he became largely sorrowful, for he knew
how they lived in Rome. He said to himself,
"Alas! If my buddy goes to the court of the pope in Rome and see for himself
the wickedness of the priests lives, he'll never become a Christian."
So he turned to Abraham in this way,
"Why think of such a tedious and expensive travel as the journey from
here to Rome, my friend? To a rich man, travel by land or sea is full of
dangers. I should say such a journey seems to be of no purpose. Get baptised
right here instead of the famous city, even if it's easy to imagine that
prelates must be in much better shape in Rome, being nearer to the principal
shepherd. But not so!"
Abraham, "Now you've made me very determined to go there as I am."
Jehannot saw this was his settled purpose and plan, and gave his consent, "Very
well, go then."
But to himself he muttered that now his friend would never become a
Christian, after he had once seen the court of Rome. Yet he agreed in his heart
that solid, honest intentions like these were largely commendable.
Abraham mounted on his horse and set out. One day he arrived in Rome.
During his stay he noted the splendour that popes live in; he saw cardinals,
other prelates and many courtiers and studied their acts and manners very well,
for he was a very discreet Jew, this one.
He could see much with his own pair of eyes, and heard from Jewish
friends he lived with during his stay, that from the highest to the lowest -
without any restraint, remorse of conscience, shame, or fear of punishment -
they all sinned in abominable luxury and took to foul, degraded or perverted
sex, and so on.
Moreover, drunkards, gluttons or brutish luxury beasts were everywhere
to be met with. Abraham saw that all near to the pope were largely covetous and
greedy men. Everything was sold or converted into matters of money: not only
the blood of men, but also the faith of Christians and its sets of atonements -
all suited to the intelligence and intentions of the wicked.
These things, and many more were so deeply displeasing to the Jew that
he became a Christian, to cut things short. He thus revealed himself to be a
most sober and modest man. You can believe that.
You see, he had seen enough, he could now speed homewards to meet his friend as
a converted Christian. Jehannot heard the rumours before he arrived and went to
welcome him. After some few days Jehannot also dared to ask what his friend
thought of such as the cardinals.
Abraham readily answered: "It's strange Jehannot, but I saw luxury, avarice,
gluttony, many alarming or wicked things and worse. I saw persons strive in
manners and set ways that normally should undermine the whole Christian
Religion. They were its leaders. Day by day their material whims stood out
clear and resplendent, yet the Catholic Faith was not lessened at all.
So what else could I gather than this: The blessed Spirit is the true
helper inside darkest gluttony and much else, more true and holy than any other
to bear up with it.
At first I stood stiff and obstinate in front of the sullying prelates,
I had not in mind to become another Christian, but God opened my eyes, so now I
freely open my heart to this as a calf opens his mouth to milk and still more
milk from the udder. I think nothing in the world can hinder your
gluttony-helper."
Jehannot had expected a very contrary conclusion than this expert one,
but all the same became glad and went with his buddy to the Notre Dame de Paris
to have him baptised anew.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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