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Some new information has come to light over the
Kursk disaster. For those
with short attention spans, the Kursk was the submarine that blew up and sank in the Arctic Ocean killing all 118 on board. The Russians tried to blame the incident on a collision with an unidentified object. However, sonar tapes which recorded the blasts (a small one at first, then a much larger one two minutes later) cast doubt on these claims. A whistle blower within the Russian military has leaked that the crew of the Kursk was testing a new type of torpedo when the accident occurred. It seemed very likely that the test didn't go quite as planned. While rescue efforts to save the survivors of the Kursk failed, salvage crews were able to recover a 'Black Box' from the submarine which contained detailed accounts of the events leading up to the explosion. As luck would have it, we got a copy of those tapes. It turns out that the submarine crew was trying to load Microsoft Windows on their fire control computer. Their intent was to replace the aging CP/M operating system with the flashier Windows OS. Apparently, the Russians didn't know about the legendary stability problems exhibited by Windows. The log tapes make this painfully obvious: Captain: Is the new fire control Windows OS installed yet? Seaman: Almost, Sir. We just need to finish filling out the registration card. Captain: Excellent. Soon we will be able to point and click our enemies into oblivion. [evil laughter in background] Seaman: Captain! It is booting! Look, it says "Preparing to run Windows for the first time". [long pause] Seaman: Arrgh! Sir, it wants me to reboot again. That makes the 27th time. Captain: Hmmm. This is not encouraging. Go ahead and reboot again. Seaman: Aye, Sir. [another long pause] Seaman: Captain, it is up again. It says it found new hardware ... A CD-ROM drive and that it needs drivers. Captain: Where are the drivers? Seaman: On the CD-ROM. Captain: You are joking, right? Seaman: No, Sir. Captain: Reboot the damn thing again. I am starting not to like this Windows. [another long pause] Seaman: Sir! It is back! It says that it found the Gorby2000 Torpedo and is looking for the device drivers. Do we have a driver disk? Captain: I do not think so. Seaman: I will tell it to use the default drivers. [another long pause] Seaman: Crap. It wants to reboot again. Captain: How many times are we going to reboot today? This is taking forever. Our hull is going to rust out before this works. [another long pause] Seaman: Sir! It is up and this time it is not asking for anything! Captain: Really? No device drivers? No registration cards? No user profiles? Seaman: No, Sir. I think it is ready. Captain: Good work. Now click on the fire control icon and let us see how this works. Seaman: Clicking now, Sir. [another long pause] Captain: Why does the fire control screen have a dancing paper clip on it? Seaman: I have no idea, Sir. Captain: Hmmm, well try clicking on the menu. Seaman: Aye, Sir. Let us see: Open e-mail, Spam a friend, Mail a virus, Fire a torpedo. Captain: We will spam a friend later. Let us fire a torpedo. Seaman: Aye, Sir. [another long pause] Seaman: It is asking us to load the torpedo and to click when ready. Captain: Torpedo Room, load a torpedo in tube number 1! [intercom:] This is the Torpedo Room. The torpedo is loaded, Sir. Captain: Click on the continue button. Seaman: Aye, Sir. [another long pause] Seaman: It is asking for a target, Sir. Captain: Hmmm, target the Rainbow Warrior. Seaman: Aye, Sir. Damn! It says the torpedo is low on ink. Captain: Click ignore. We will get some ink when we return to base. Seaman: Aye, Sir. We are ready to fire. Captain: Very good. You may fire when ready. Seaman: Firing torpedo, Sir. [another really long pause] Captain: Well? Seaman: I am trying, Sir. Nothing is happening. Wait a minute.... [a loud explosion is heard in the background, followed by screaming on the intercom] Captain: What The @!#$ was that?!?!?! Seaman: Captain! A new screen has appeared! Outlook Express Fire Control has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Click 'OK' to continue. Seaman: Oh my God! The paper clip has died! What should I do? Captain: Shut it down! Shut it down! Seaman: It is not responding, Sir! Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE'! Seaman: Aye, Sir. We are in luck! The task manager is still operating. I am instructing the task manager to shut down Outlook Fire Control. [another long pause] Seaman: The task manager says that Outlook Fire Control is not responding. Captain: Well no ****. Tell it to 'End Task' Seaman: Nothing is happening, Sir. Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE' again. Seaman: Aye, Sir. [sounds of frantic pecking on keyboard.] Seaman: Oooh! What a pretty blue screen! Captain: Holy ****! Not the blue screen of dea.... [KABLAM! A really big explosion. More screaming and the sound of rushing water.] The tape ends at this point. During the week long rescue effort, divers reported hearing tapping in the form of Morse code coming from survivors inside the damaged sub. The rescuers couldn't understand why a group of men would spend the last of their strength tapping out "windows sucks" in Morse code. The tapes of the last moments of the Kursk may offer some insight into this. ******************************************************************************* Two men were flying in a hot air balloon and they realised they were lost. They spot a man down below so they lower the balloon and shout. "Excuse me. Can you help us? We promised our friends we would meet them half an hour ago, but we don't know where we are." The man replies " Yes, you are hovering at approximately 30ft above this field. You are between 40 & 42 degrees N.Latitude, and between 58 & 60 degrees W.Longitude." "You must be an Engineer" says the balloonists. "I am" replies the man, "How do you know?" "Well," says the balloonists " Everything you have told us is technically correct, but we have no idea what it means, and we are still lost." "You must be Managers" replies the man below. "We are," says the balloonists " but how did you know?" The man below replies "Well, you don't know where you are, or where you are going, You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position as you were in before we met..... BUT NOW SOMEHOW IT'S MY FAULT!!!!!!!" |
