Dear Colin & Sherelle, My heart goes out to you both, as i read your posts this morning i became a little teary eyed because i could relate in my own way. My support to you both on doing whatever it takes to be strong again and cope with life.
Colin, abusers always make you feel like it's your fault, like you being there just makes them do cruel things. That's a pant load. It is they who have a problem, NOT YOU. Keep remembering that and congratulations on your new strength, may it continue to grow. Love Donna -----Original Message----- From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]]On Behalf Of colin Sent: Friday, October 19, 2001 3:10 AM To: [EMAIL PROTECTED] Cc: [EMAIL PROTECTED] Subject: Re: Doctor's pills give you brand new ills (SJC) Hi Sherelle-good for you! I too would rather deal with my ups and downs myself and I do, fairly well. Okay, I am lucky in that my highs no longer send me crazy crazy. And my lows are no longer so dark as to incite suicide. Years of therapy paid off. Although I am hugely disappointed that the damned illness is still with me, it is now no where near as extreme. So the therpay did work-cleared awya the shit I wa scarrying, mostly, and thus I don;t have that added burden to fuel the mood swings. Unfortunately, you are right about other's attitudes. At best they are patronising and never see you as a real whole person. in discussions one is never taken seriously. For if you disagree with someone, it's 'well, he isn;t quite right is he?' At worst it is downright discrimination. Mental illness is still hugely discrimainated against, and acceptably so in our societies. Fear being the rooot of course. It doesn't help that tv and film often portray us as dangerous! Although i would have preferred not to have this thing, it has taught me much and it has enhanced my world view and my understanding of people. I tend to see things differently. yes, this sets me at odds with others but that is their problem. my different view shakes their world and they don't like it. The same can be said of my world of abuse when a child-yes I would rather not have had that-it would be great to have a family and a loving one at that. But that wasn't to be. It too has brought me much opportunity and I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't experienced all I have. However, I do not think any of this 'meant to be'. It just was and there was nothing I could about it. The worst aspect of it all, which still affects me today, is the doubting of my own thinking. I was always told that black was white or white was black or that my thoughts and doubts and questions were Satan's way of leading me astray, that it was Satan who put those thoughts in my mind.Thus I spent most of my life afraid and in excruiating doubt. I could not trust my own thinking, my own perceptions. Thus I was easily abused outside of the family as well. So people were able to do really bad things and I wouldn't see that and just think I was bad and it was my fault, I deserved it. I was lucky in that wehn I met my therapist my wal came tumbling down immediately-I trusted him straight away. Thru this trust of him I was able to start to trust myself. It did have it's drawbacks! For the first time in my life I felt rage, real anger, because now I knew what had been done to me and that it wasn't my fault! That was very hard to deal with. I also beagn to feel all sorts of other things, feelings I had long ago buried. I had learned as achild to 'shut down' and not feel anything. Thus when i wa sbeing hurt, I gave no reaction and felt nothing. unfortuantely those feelings stay with you and have to be felt one day. That day came for me and it was the most teryfying time of my life. Even today, I sometimes wish I could 'shut down' but I have leanred other methods of dealing with feelings. One thing I still do tho is 'disassociate'. i.e in situations I find diffiuclt, I go into a dream like state, shut down completely. Soemtimes this is okay but at other times it isn't because it leaves me exposed to danger and unable to defend myself. It does make me good in situations where others panic tho! The major side effect of feeling th bad stuff is I get to feel the good stuff too! bw colin
