As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What
they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every
Christmas morning, although Leon's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor
pantyhose hung sadly empty and grew increasingly threadbare.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and a
fake beard and went in search of an inflatable love doll. Of course, they
don't sell those things at Wal-mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore
downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only
confuse yourself. I was there almost three hours saying things like, "What
does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who owns that?" "Do you have their phone
number?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of
romance that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use
the car pool lane during rush hour. I'm not sure what a complicated doll
is. Perhaps one that is subject to wild mood shifts and using a French
accent for no reason at all. (That also describes a few ex-girlfriends.)
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.
I figured the "vibro-motion" was a feature Leon could live without, so I
settled for Lovable Louise.
She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a
huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and cleverly left the front door key
hidden under the mat.
In the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I snuck into
the house and filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and
bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk
on a nearby tray. Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for a couple
of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused. He would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie to set Rover straight.
We also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the
family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas
dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except that we forgot that Grandma and
Grandpa would be there.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the
hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something
like that?" Granny snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her
clothes?" Granny continued.
I hadn't seen any in the box, but I kept this information to myself. "Boy,
that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,"
Leon said, trying to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could
have answered, but why would I?
It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance
saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and
said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Leon's
friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that
sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap
in front of the sofa. The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my
nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began
administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother wet his pants and
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide
the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder
drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to
star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her
whenever he can get out of the house.
--
bw
colin
[EMAIL PROTECTED]
http://www.geocities.com/tantra_apso/index.html
