I suspect many of us could substitute 'music' for 'literature' and 'cd' for 'novel' in the following. (Are you reading this Mr. Mueller?) I hope you all enjoy it. Happy Holidays! Mark in Seattle > > Literature Abusers > > > > Abusers become withdrawn, uninterested in society or normal > > relationships. They fantasize, creating alternative worlds to > > occupy, to the neglect of friends and family. In severe cases > > they develop bad posture from reading in awkward positions or > > carrying heavy book bags. In the worst instances, they become > > cranky reference librarians in small towns. > > > > Excessive reading during pregnancy is perhaps the number one > > cause of moral deformity among the children of English professors, > > teachers of English and creative writing. Known as Fetal Fiction > > Syndrome, this disease also leaves its victims prone to a > > lifetime of nearsightedness, daydreaming and emotional instability. > > > > HEREDITY > > > > It has been established that heredity plays a considerable role > > in determining whether a person will become an abuser of literature. > > Most abusers have at least one parent who abused literature, often > > beginning at an early age and progressing into adulthood. Many > > spouses of an abuser become abusers themselves. > > > > OTHER PREDISPOSING FACTORS > > > > Fathers or mothers who are English teachers, professors, or heavy > > fiction readers; parents who do not encourage children to play > > games, participate in healthy sports, or watch television in > > the evening. > > > > PREVENTION > > > > Pre-marital screening and counseling, referral to adoption agencies > > in order to break the chain of abuse. English teachers in particular > > should seek partners active in other fields. Children should be > > encouraged to seek physical activity, and to avoid isolation and > > morbid introspection. > > > > SELF-TEST FOR LITERATURE ABUSERS > > > > How many of these apply to you? > > > > 1. I have read fiction when I was depressed, or to cheer myself up. > > > > 2. I have gone on reading binges of an entire book or more in a day. > > > > 3. I read rapidly, often 'gulping' chapters. > > > > 4. I have sometimes read early in the morning, or before work. > > > > 5. I have hidden books in different places to sneak a chapter > > without being seen. > > > > 6. Sometimes I avoid friends or family obligations in order to read > > novels. > > > > 7. Sometimes I re-write film or television dialog as the characters > > speak. > > > > 8. I am unable to enjoy myself with others unless there is a book > > nearby. > > > > 9. At a party, I will often slip off unnoticed to read. > > > > 10. Reading has made me seek haunts and companions which I would > > otherwise avoid. > > > > 11. I have neglected personal hygiene or household chores until I had > > finished a novel. > > > > 12. I have spent money meant for necessities on books instead. > > > > 13. I have attempted to check out more library books than permitted. > > > > 14. Most of my friends are heavy fiction readers. > > > > 15. I have sometimes passed out from a night of heavy reading. > > > > 16. I have suffered 'blackouts' or memory loss from a bout of reading. > > > > 17. I have wept, become angry or irrational because of something I read. > > > > 18. I have sometimes wished I did not read so much. > > > > 19. Sometimes I think my fiction reading is out of control. > > > > If you answered 'yes' to three or more of these questions, you may be > > literature abuser. Affirmative responses to five or more indicates a > > serious problem. > > > > DECLINE AND FALL: THE ENGLISH MAJOR > > > > Within the sordid world of literature abuse, the lowest circle > > belongs to those sufferers who have thrown their lives and hopes > > away to study literature in our colleges. Parents should look > > for signs that their children are taking the wrong path-don't > > expect your teenager to approach you and say, 'I can't stop > > reading Spencer.' By the time you visit her dorm room and find > > the secret stash of the Paris Review, it may already > > be too late. > > > > What to do if you suspect your child is becoming an English major: > > > > 1. Talk to your child in a loving way. Show your concern. Let > > her know you won't abandon her -- but that you aren't spending > > a hundred grand to put her through Stanford so she can clerk > > at Waldenbooks, either. But remember that she may not be able > > to make a decision without help; perhaps she has just finished > > Madame Bovary and is dying of arsenic poisoning. > > > > 2. Face the issue: Tell her what you know, and how: 'I found > > this book in your purse. How long has this been going on?' Ask > > the hard question--Who is this Count Vronsky?' > > > > 3. Show her another way. Move the television set into her room. > > Praise her brother, the engineer. Introduce her to frat boys. > > > > 4. Do what you have to do. Tear up her library card. Make her > > stop signing her letters as 'Emma.' Force her to take a math > > class, or minor in Spanish. Transfer her to a Florida college. > > You may be dealing with a life-threatening problem if one or > > more of the following applies: > > * She can tell you how and when Thomas Chatterton died. > > * She names one or more of her cats after a Romantic poet. > > * Next to her bed is a picture of: Lord Byron, Virginia Woolf, > > Faulkner, or any scene from the Lake District. > > > > Most important, remember, you are not alone. To seek help for > > yourself or someone you love, contact the nearest chapter of > > the American Literature Abuse Society, or look under ALAS in > > your telephone directory.
