This is a response to a private mail. So why post it here? I know some of you will
cringe
with embarassment, others will see it as further proof of my badness and sit back in
smug
judgement, others will see it as the ramblings of a fool, some will use it against me,
still others will scratch their heads in bewilderment, and probably most will not even
read it. BUT one or two will will be helped along their by these words. That is the
only
repsonse that interests me:
it is late here and I have read your mail twice and still don't know how to
respond. I am sure though that the changes within you have happened because of you and
not
because of me.
It is, by the way, almost 20 years now for John and I. Such a long time yet it seems
such
a short time too. Some times have been very difficult. Sometimes I see a really horny
looking bloke and I want the freedom to go shag to my hearts content. Trouble is I
know I
won't find contentment that way! Besides, the love and acceptance I have is just all
there
is to want and I have it. We fit really well.
Did I ever tell you that we have been together since the first minute we met? I was
about
the bar and I looked up and John was standing in the doorway, just enetering. Our eyes
met
and he came over and bought me a drink. I went home with him and that was that. July
7th
1981. I know without him to show me what love and acceptance was, to have given me the
room and leeway to find myself, to love myself, to grieve, I would not be alive today.
Or
if I was alive, I'd be insane and in just as much pain as I was back then. Quite how he
has managed to cope with me I don't know. i have been very mean to him. All that rage
at
the people who abused me was let loose on him. I didn't even know that was what i was
doing. God has had to intervene too because there have been times John was nearly very
seriously hurt. John said the reason he coped and didn't hold it against me was
because he
knew I didn't hate him and didn't want to hurt him. He knew I was lashing out at
others. I
can't imagine being able to love like that. I know I couldn't have coped with me. I was
just barely able to live in me as it was. I have been very lucky in my life. i have no
idea why. I know people with my background who have died, are locked up in prison or
mental hospitals, are on the streets. I know when I see those mad people on the streets
that i am looking at myself if I hadn't had the luck I had. Some people say it was God
who
kept me going and gave me the life I have now. I don't accept that. Not because I
think I
don't deserve it or that God doesn't love me but because I don't accept He didn't love
those that didn't get what i have, or that they didn't deserve it.
I have no explanation for why I have been so loved. I have done some terrible things
in my
life, and regardless of my past, in which lie the roots of all that, those things I did
were still wrong. The hardest thing to accept was that I have the capability of
harming as
much as I was harmed. However, with that acceptance comes the ability not to do such
harm.
Some things will never change. I still have nightmares. Still see the images of
childhood
terror when i am making love. not always but enough to prevent forgetting. Although the
desire to forget is unrealistic for without the remebering, I wouldn't be me. Without
remembering, I wouldn't be able to suppport when called upon.
I recall being asked at school what i wanted to be when i grew up. My reply was
'someone
else'. If I was asked the same question now, my answer would be 'myself'.
I know you think i am not so angry now. Wish that were true! have just finally
understood
what 'do not cast your pearls before swine' means! There is nothing I can do about
closed
minds. There is nothing I can do about the evil of child abuse. I have given up the
idea
that i can stop it! How arrogant to even think i could. However, I know there is much I
can do by sharing with others my own experience and being there with an open mind and
heart when others share with me.
Fear does terrible things to people. It is somthing we are all aquainted with tho we do
not all accept that. Fear is the root of all our suffering and pain. We cannot love
those
we fear. We cannot fear those we love.
It is fear that drives us to attack. That closes our minds. The Bible speaks of an
unforgivable sin, the sin against the Holy Spirit. i was taught, by those whose root
was
in fear, that this sin was to reject the truth of the Bible.(when really they were
sayin
that the sin was to reject their judgement as being Truth but that is another issue!).
I
have come to think of the unforgivaeable sin as being the closed kind. If we decide
that
we know the Truth and are not wrong, then we close our minds and therefore we close our
selves to any action by the Holy Spirit. A closed mind cannot be put right. I am sure
you
have come across people who are suffering but reject all attempts to help them. Thye
have
close dtheir minds to the possibility of being helped OR want to be helped in the way
they
want. when we are ready to be helped, without attaching condsitons on our acceptance of
that help, we will be released. Because then our minds will open and our hearts will be
set free.
I know this is more than anticipated in the way of an answer. But you know me. once I
get
on a roll it is difficult to shut me up!
love always
colin
