Dear Terry,
Thank you so much for your reply. I was working today, thus the delay in my
response. I especially appreciate knowing how you feel from the place of
(adoptive) mom because it helps me to further understand what my birthson Grant's
mom might be feeling and what she may have felt at the time when he announced my
presence in his life after 20 years.
As a birth mother, I know the world of adoption well, having lived inside it for
nearly 26 years. Ive done research, soul searching, support work, advocacy work,
writing and public speaking, not to mention workshops and sharing and bearing
witness to stories from all sides. Each story is so unique and special. My soul
sister Wendy is adopted and I have other friends who are adopted too, whose
hearts and stories have touched mine. I am fortunate to know some adoptive moms
too, which is something I am ever grateful for because of the bridges I have been
able to cross as a result.
I think this is an important thread for many reasons. It has meaning to many
people. I know it does, Ive been told so after Ive written anything about it. It
is a part of Joni's life that so many of us are interested in. I feel that if I
can share my experience, that at some level, in some way, it may serve to help
others understand what it is really like. And I agree completely, we cannot know
how it was/is/will be for Joni and Kilauren. We do know what it is like for us
having been there, and there certainly are some commonalities that arise. It is
from a place of compassion and kindness that I share what Ive been through. And
if I could ever make this easier for another person, well that would be
wonderful.
[EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote:
>
>
> <<or both hoping or damanding for more than the other could give? Did they
> think through about all the possibilities that a reunion could have created?>>
Terry, you raise two excellent points here. While I thought I didnt expect
anything more than simply finding him/knowing he was "okay" , had a good life,
etc...I found that my ancient wounds rose quickly to the surface and in fact, in
my heart of hearts, I did want more.
What I wanted was to feel that same heart and soul connection that I share with
my daughter who I did have the privilege to raise. There is no doubt in my mind
now, but at the time, denial took over and I rode in like the Valiant Queen on my
white horse. My journey of over five years into reunion has taken me to some
wonderful and very scary places of reality that I never dreamed possible.
To your second point above, it is really tough to imagine how reunion will
go...the wild roller coaster ride of emotions before during and after... I cannot
even begin to fathom how Kilauren and Joni did any of this under the
magnification of a public lens. It has to be so hard.
>
>
> <<Though I agree with Roberto that this is best left up to those involved to
> make judgements, it is still a fascinating topic for further discussion if
> anyone is interested.>>
I agree...it is fascinating and it continues to amaze me how many lives are
touched by adoption...either someone is adopted/has adopted/has created a life
which was relinquished for adoption/knows someone who fits into any or all of the
above.
>
>
> <<My daughter requested a reunion when she was 14. After months of
> (psychological) preparatation, I know now that it was the very best thing for
> all of us. It wasn't easy for me- I don't know how I was able to handle
> seeing my precious "baby" hugging and kissing her other mother- but in my
> heart, I knew I did the right thing.>>
It made me cry to read this part. I admire you for having such a big heart as to
be able to facilitate such an important moment for your daughter and her birth
mom. I am so proud of you for finding the strength and courage this must have
taken. I do understand the difficulty and the hurt that this caused you. (as much
as I am able to from this side of things).
>
>
> <<Now she, her birthmom and extended family can rest assured that
> relinquishment *was* the right decision 15 years ago, as difficult as that
> decision was.>>
I have learned that too....in my head at least. I suppose in my heart, I will
always long for him, despite the fact that I know he was raised in the arms of
two very special and loving people who he does indeed know as his mom and dad.
The right decision for me turned out to be the only decision. I have a hard time
calling it a decision period because it sure as hell didnt feel good at the time.
That is where the cutting edge lies. It is not easy at all to live with that
knowing. Not one bit.
>
>
> <<And for my daughter, there no longer is that lurking mystery of who she is
> and where she came from, nagging away at her.>>
Ive heard my birth son and other adoptees say the same thing. It is a relief on
the one hand and then again, it opens up so many hallways filled with even more
questions.
>
>
> <<One of the most touching things that happened at that reunion was recieving a
>
> little plaque from my daughter's birthmom, which sits here on my desk:
>
> "Of all the Gifts like has to offer, Loving Parents is the greatest of them
> all".>>
this is truly beautiful, again, thank you so much for sharing something so
private and special.
>
>
> <<This woman made the most difficult of decisions she'll ever probably
> encounter, and I will always be in awe of her bravery and love for her/our
> child.>>
how wonderful of you to say. Thank you for that.
>
>
> <<Mags, thanks for sharing that letter. I know that no bio mom ever gives up
> the memory, the hopes and dreams, she carries for that baby.>>
and mostly, I want to say thank you for understanding.
Finally I need to say this. I have received so much help to get through this
difficult situation especially these past months because of someone so very
precious to me. Someone who has had the courage to reach out and in his honest
and gentle way, has held the mirror up to my face so that for the first time I
could actually see myself as worthy and not as a bad person for giving up my
first born son. So to Brian, I love you for that and I am overwhelmed with your
kindness and support. From my heart, thank you for your wisdom, love, patience
and for getting it. Yes I know you do.
with love and in peace, as always
Mags
>
>
>
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