This situation has become very confusing, and unfortunately has caused people to
bicker now among themselves, taking it even farther from the original issue.
The simple part is: no more private emails from Marcel; any that I receive will
be forwarded to the list (and not to get comments on, but only because there's a
huge difference between what I've received privately and what he posts to the
list, so if they're all going to the list I'd expect the tone to be decent).
That's pretty clear. Like Sherelle says, the situation is one that people who've
been on the list for a while have seen several times, usually when there's a
heated discussion about something else going on, so it's very hard to sort out
the unwanted private email issue then. There's never been an adequate solution
to the problem -- obviously not, since I still kept getting nasty unwanted
emails.
After posting my "plan", I received several supportive messages privately, and
appreciate them all, and if the exchange between Marcel and myself was all there
was it would have finished with that.
The confusion and my negative feelings started with seeing a subject line of
"expose the bitch" referring to me (I thought). When no one publicly said even a
"what is this?" to it, it felt awful hanging out there with no public support at
all, like being so rudely insulted is ok with everybody. And then I thought back
and all of a sudden it seemed strange only a couple of people had commented
publicly on Marcel's posts, as though, again, his behavior is fine with
everyone. It seemed the consensus was that it was wrong of me to have openly
addressed the email issue at all, which is very strange considering the number
of people on the list who have had the very same problem over the years. Very
unhealthy, I think, that we just keep working around the situation or tolerating
it privately instead of looking at it.
Anyway, it's helpful now to read people's comments about how Thom's message
looked to them, and I can see how it would be so confusing people didn't know
how to respond. I was confused too, and thought it was a message that was
supposed to go directly to Marcel and was sent to the list by mistake. I still
think of bitch as being directed toward women. If the subject line had said
bastard my assumption would have been different. My use of slang needs updating
apparently.
As Mark says, there are times when someone says something provocative just to
get a heated thread started, and then it's a good idea to keep quiet, and hope
no one joins in what's been set up to become a battle. This wasn't impersonal,
though, and yes, I can defend myself, but I was starting to wonder whether I
really was the only person (except for Pat) who thought there was something
wrong with Thom's post (and with Marcel's behavior). I'm trying to imagine what
my response would have been if someone else was the target, and it's hard to
know for sure... I hope I would have said something but more likely would also
have been confused by the entire situation, or felt conflicting loyalties, and
not even known how or where to jump in and then a day or two passes and it all
just goes away... until next time. So I'm not scolding anybody and hope it
doesn't come across that way. It's been food for thought in many ways.
Anyway, I think it's all finished now. I certainly am talked out about it.
Thanks, Pat, for your post, and Colin, thanks very much for bringing up another
view and offering your support, and for everyone sharing publicly how you saw
things, and for all the supportive private messages I received too. I hope it
makes it easier for the next person who's in a similar situation. We'll see...
the family saga continues...
Debra Shea
NP: The Pogues, with Kirsty MacColl joining in on "Fairytale in New York".
It's wonderful, and something I'd never have known about if I wasn't part of
this list. There have been many gifts here.
