When I was growing up in the 50s and 60s, we always had family supper
together, and we always asked to be excused. My children did too,
growing up in the 70s through 90s. Now that they are all adults
(well, the youngest is 18), we don't enforce it any more, but if it's
a formal dinner, the youngest may still ask. It's less likely that
they'll want to leave early as they grow old enough to enjoy the
conversations, as Tamara noted.
As to becoming the slaves of the children: If there's a consistent
need, such as more drinking water, why not have a pitcher on the
table or a nearby surface? Whims are another matter - unreasonable
demands are unreasonable, and it is worth some initial unpleasantness
to get the concept across that the parents have a right to eat dinner
in peace. Parents no more HAVE to give in to those whims at home than
they HAVE to buy every trinket/candy in the checkout lane just
because the child whines for it. We call the hour before dinner "the
witching hour" - as that's when EVERYONE is the crabbiest, and it's
hardest tolerate the whining. About 15 minutes into supper when the
food begins to hit the bloodstream, people calm down. Even children
as young as 4 can help to set the table with unbreakable objects like
the silverware, and sometimes that kind of delegation (after an
initial training period) can help free attention for getting all the
pieces together in one place to begin with.
If you find you've backed yourself into a corner, it's probably going
to be easiest to change direction by offering rewards for good
behavior rather than snapping at them about the undesirable. Set a
good reward (for the sake of their later weight, preferably a
non-food reward like extra time reading with Mommy or something else
they enjoy) for a dinner without the demands. In my own experience,
the rewards needed to be individual rather than collective - it was
too frustrating for a child who had been good all day to lose his/her
reward because a sibling over whom s/he had no control blew it. Look
at what the child really needs (good food, consistency in
expectations) rather than what s/he wants (whatever isn't there now -
which may be for itself, and may just be to yank your chain!).
So I guess that sums up to: examine the demands over the course of a
few days, see which ones can be dealt with by moving the resources
closer, and which need to be dealt with some other way. Even
something as simple as putting the portable phone near the table so
you don't have to drop everything and race to another room for it (to
pick up or to screen the caller id) can make a big difference in the
long run. Don't expect instant success.
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Martha Krieg [EMAIL PROTECTED] in Michigan
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