*_A YEAR AS A PENSIONER_*
24^th May
I did it: my last working day. At last I am a pensioner.
This is where life really begins. I just want to do all those things I
could never do because work got in the way.
25^th May
I get up early, and don’t really know what to do first.
The grass needs cutting, the guttering cleaning, I need to de-scale the
water tap, I want to make a bird box and finally read “War and Peace”.
I bump into my neighbour. He is also a pensioner. He walks around in a
jogging suit and has stopped shaving; he looks like ….. after 30
tequilas, watches afternoon-talk-shows or does crosswords. Not for me.
I cut the grass first, then clean the guttering and start to make a bird
box. Live is wonderful!
2^nd June
The lawn has been cut, the guttering cleaned and I finished he bird box.
Birds arrive and chirp happily. I go to B&Q and buy de-scaler for the
water tap.
B&Q is full of pensioners. Each morning the varicose-vein-brigade meat
in the woodworking department. Wet blankets!
Go home, and de-scale the tap.
7^th June
Slept in a bit longer.
Then I have breakfast, I check whether the tap has not scaled up again.
Then cut the grass and drive to B&Q. Buy some more wood for another bird
box. I’ll have two: one for the male birds and one for the females.
22^nd of June
Slept till midday.
Built a bird box for handicapped birds.
Fertilized the lawn to ensure it grows faster and will have to be cut
more often.
Then, tea with the wife!
I give her housekeeping tips, but sometimes I think that I am getting on
her nerves.
For example, when we play darts together in the garden. Not that we
argue, but why does she always stick a photo of me on the dart board?
30^th of June
For once I feel like talking to another human being, and go to my doctor.
A lot of pensioners go to their doctors just to have a chat; I pretend
that I have prostate problems.
But he sends me home – prostrate problems in people my age and on the
NHS are not treated – supposedly pensioner have enough time to pee!
13^th July
Sleep till 2pm.
Then I cut the lawn and make another bird box.
There are 28 now in the garden.
When I go to put it up, I find a letter in the lawn; the birds have
written it:
“Old man, can you stop making to shitty bird boxes. We are fed up with
them, and the other animals make us feel embarrassed.”
My neighbour offers me a crossword magazine.
I have a look inside:
Russian river with 7 letters. Does the idiot think that I have enough
time to find Russian rivers with 7 letters in the atlas?
1^st of August
There are a total of 1,376 Russian rivers with 7 letters.
The most well-known ones are: Bejlaka, Dnjestr, Irtysch, Utschur and
Wolchow.
In the evening a crisis with my wife: our erotic live has gone to sleep.
Happens to a lot of pensioners.
My wife suggests that we try having sex in unusual places.
4^th of September
We swapped sides in bed; that did not work either.
I have read that 50% of men over the age of 65 viagra take.
70% of them cannot remember why ….
30^th of September
I have stopped reading “War and Peace”.
I do watch more afternoon talk shows now.
The subject today: “I’m going to kill you, you stupid bitch”.
Well, perhaps it is a bit like “War and Peace”.
26^th of October
My wife thinks that we should do something for our bodies …
Wellness ..
As son as one is a pensioner, everything becomes Wellness.
One should let one’s soul dangle …
Why?
As you get older, a lot of body parts start to dangle anyway.
No point in letting your soul do the same.
My way drags me along to yoga for pensioners, sauna for pensioners, and
to Pilates.
Pilates! I have always though that was the guy who crucified Jesus!
12^th of November
In yoga class for pensioners I am supposed to take on the position of:
“The gnu lies in the morning sun”.
I take the position “The worker punches the time clock”.
I am thrown out!
3^rd of January
Had enough of sport, but I do like to wear the jogging-suit.
I no longer shave either.
When I go down the street, the homeless ask me sometimes whether I need
a Euro.
My wife want to “activate” me and gets a dachshund.
That’s it!
When man’s best friend is a sausage with legs, named Purzel, it’s time
to give up.
The dachshund was originally bred in England at the beginning of the
20^th century. Its purpose was to be a bolster pillow, which could climb
into the washing machine by itself.
I feel ashamed.
But I take him out for walks and sit on a bench in the woods, and I
glance at the ants on the ground.
They work and work, and not one of them says: “I am a pensioner and go
to Pilates”.
12^th of Februay
I am not tired at night.
Why should he be?
Therefore I get up, get into the car and drive through town at night.
I drive to my old place of work, get out, and stroke the building.
On the way back I notice a group of Turks, waiting and hoping to be
picked up for moonlighting.
Very sad, that is!
3^rd of March
I darkened my face, put a fake moustache on, and line up with the Turks
on the street corner.
Serhat, Mehmet, Ugur and Oczan.
In the car I find out that their real names are Franz, Theo, Gunther and
Willi.
There too are pensioners with false moustaches.
We work on a building site.
I have not been this happy for very long!
12^th of April
Now I travel every morning with the other pensioners to the building site.
In the afternoon we sit together and discuss what we can still do.
We want to set up a firm, a company, we want to plow and slog away.
Even at 65 one can still do a lot.
We already have a business idea for our company: bird boxes!
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