Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
The Top 15 Movie Quotes We'd Like to See
(Part I)
15> "Wait. Why don't we look for a campground that isn't
plagued by a homicidal maniac?"
14> "Oh come on Clarisse, just a nibble?"
13> "That's great, Will. Now solve *this* equation: How many
times does a toilet have to back up before the whole damn
math building stinks?"
12> "The truth? You can't handle the truth -- You're a freakin'
Scientologist!"
11> "Since there's ten of us surrounding Mr. Van Damme,
let's attack him one at a time... it just makes sense."
10> "Dad, can I borrow the Death Star tonight?"
9> "Okay Jack, I will. But only because we're probably gonna
be dead in an hour."
8> "He can't be bargained with. He can't be reasoned with. He
doesn't feel fear, or pain, or remorse. And until he is found
guilty of *something*, there's no stopping the Clintonator!"
7> "The name's Jeremy... Ron Jeremy."
6> "Mrs. Robinson, promise me you'll never discuss this with the
Independent Counsel."
5> "You know, Sally, rather than waste that talent in a deli,
why don't we open a phone sex line?"
4> "I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that without MS PodBay 2.1."
3> "Wardrobe! See if you can find Ms. Stone some panties."
2> "Thelma, I think we missed our turn."
and the Number 1 Movie Quote We'd Like to See...
1> "This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendsh...
Hey!! Get your hand off my ass!"
----------
Two carrots were walking down the road when a huge truck
slammed into one of them. An ambulance was called and they
rushed the little fellow off to the hospital where he immediately
went into hours of surgery.
Finally the doctor emerged and approached the other carrot
who had been anxiously awaiting in the waiting room.
"Tell me" said the carrot, "how is he?"
The doctor replied, "He's going to live, but he'll be a vegetable
for the rest of his life."
----------
Top 47 Oxymorons
-------------------
47. Act naturally
46. Found missing
45. Resident alien
44. Advanced BASIC
43. Genuine imitation
42. Airline Food
41. Good grief
40. Same difference
39. Almost exactly
38. Government organization
37. Sanitary landfill
36. Alone together
35. Legally drunk
34. Silent scream
33. American history
32. Living dead
31. Small crowd
30. Business ethics
29. Soft rock
28. Butt Head
27. Military Intelligence
26. Software documentation
25. New York culture
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
09. Political science
08. Tight slacks
07. Definite maybe
06. Pretty ugly
05. Twelve-ounce pound cake
04. Diet ice cream
03. Working vacation
02. Exact estimate
And the Number one top OXY-Moron
01. Microsoft Works
-----------
You Always Remember Your First!
I remember my first ISP. You always remember your first.
Halcyon.com in Seattle. So quick, so light, so ... responsive. She
was never too busy for me. It felt almost wrong, we were both so
young. But how can love be wrong? It was a magical time.
Then we were ripped apart. I moved to Boulder, for a job. How many
relationships have been ruined by money? We tried to pretend at
first, we told each other that nothing would change, it would just be
a long distance relationship. But I couldn't afford the phone bills,
and there was the time zone difference. So we had to face reality,
and parted ways.
I soon discovered that I can't bear to be alone. There was an
emptiness in my life. I tried reading the Halcyon newsgroups from
work, but of course I was blocked. Probably best, it was an
unhealthy thing to do. What was next, fly to Seattle and stand
outside the POP, in the rain?
I searched the yellow pages, hoping I could find a relationship that
way. But I was fearful. What if long distance got in the way again?
Then I found what I thought I needed. Netcom. They were everywhere!
I could travel, or change jobs, and never be without my provider.
And they wanted me. They told me so, right on the phone.
It was a relief, but looking back I'm sure it was a rebound
relationship. And I kept getting mixed signals from Netcom, busy
signals. She said she wanted me, but at the same time she implied
that she wouldn't be creating any new shell accounts. But a shell
account was the foundation of our relationship. I felt insecure, I
couldn't be sure she'd always support a shell account. And she was
always after me to use this GUI. She said she could get it for me
for free. Well, what you do with yourself in the privacy of your POP
is up to you, I won't judge, but I'm just not into that GUI stuff.
I finally had to leave, she gave me one busy signal too many. I
cancelled without even taking my files.
Well, then started a time in my life I'm not too proud of. I bummed
around from ISP to ISP, anyone who had a POP, local or national, I
didn't care. I was a slut.
It got to the point where I couldn't even remember the name of the
ISP I was with. I woke up one morning, bleary eyed, staring at my
monitor, and couldn't even remember what state my ISP was in, or even
if it was in the East or the West.
I'd hit bottom. Next stop Hell.
I cancelled my account by sending mail to support; I don't even know
who's support it was. Still don't.
Somehow I hooked up with Dimensional. We've both been around. We
don't ask too much from each other, give each other a lot of space.
I think the key to a lasting relationship is realistic expectations,
of both yourself and your partner. And never be too busy for each
other.
The keyboarding is satisfying. Nothing wild, just ten fingers up,
101 keys down. It works for us.
But sometimes, when I'm keyboarding late at night, I think of
Halcyon. You always remember your first.
--------
Top 25 Engineers' Terms and Expressions
What they say versus what they mean...
1. A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still
guessing
at this point.)
2. Close project coordination.
(We sat down and had coffee together.)
3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We
just
hired three punk kids out of school.)
4. Major technological breakthrough!
(It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)
5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind
schedule, that the customer will take anything.)
6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing
blew up
when we threw the switch.)
7. Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually
worked!)
8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who
understood the thing quit.)
9. It is in process.
(It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely
hopeless.)
10. We will look into it.
(Forget it! We have enough problems already.)
11. Please note and initial.
(Let's spread the responsibility for this.)
12. Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you
have to
say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or
with
what we are going to do.)
13. Give us your interpretation.
(We can't wait to hear your baloney.)
14. See me or let's discuss.
(Come to my office, I've screwed up again.)
15. All new.
(Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)
16. Rugged.
(Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.)
17. Robust!
(Rugged, but more so)
18. Light weight.
(Slightly lighter than rugged)
19. Years of development.
(One finally worked)
20. Energy saving.
(Achieved when the power switch is off.)
21. No maintenance.
(Impossible to fix)
22. Low maintenance.
(Nearly impossible to fix)
23. Fax me the data.
(I'm too lazy to write it down.)
24. We are following the standard!
(That's the way we have always done it!)
25. I didn't get your e-mail.
------
"Notice To Employees"
Dear Employees,
It has been brought to the attention of the management of this
company that many employees have been dying while on duty for
no good reason. Furthermore, it also appears that some employees
are refusing to fall over after they have died. This, in some cases,
has resulted in unearned overtime payments which are not provided
for under our employee benefit program. Effective immediately, this
practice must be discontinued! On and after today, any employee
found sitting up after s/he has died will be dropped from the payroll
at once, without further investigation. This action is covered by
Company Regulation #20 (non-productive labor). When it can be
proven that the employee is being held up by a desk, typewriter,
drawing board, telephone, or any other means of support which is
the property of the company, a one (1) day period of grace will
be granted. In the event of apparent death, the following procedures
will be strictly adhered to:
1. If, after several hours, it is noted that any employee has not moved
or opened at least one eye, the department head will investigate.
Because of the highly sensitive nature and/or origin of some employees
and because of the close resemblance between death and their normal
working attitude, the investigation will be made quietly so as to avoid
waking the employee if s/he is asleep (which is, of course, permitted
under present union contracts).
2. If some doubt still exists as to the true condition of the employee,
a pay check will be used as the final test. If the employee fails to
reach for the check, it is reasonable to assume that death has occurred.
Note that in some cases the instinct is so strongly developed that a
spastic clutching may occur even after death; do not be misled by this
manifestation.
3. In the event that an employee fails to abandon whatever s/he is
doing at Coffee Break time, no investigation is necessary as this is
conclusive proof that rigor mortis has already set in.
Best Regards,
The Management
-----------
What If You Can...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with you troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you, when through
no fault of your, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then, you are almost as good as your dog or your cat.
--------
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
Subscribe/Unsubscribe, email: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
In the body of the message enter: subscribe/unsubscribe law-issues
