Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to
his lawyer.
"If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that
would prejudice
him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact,
you shouldn't
even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of
the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks
for the tip about
the cigars. It worked!"
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."
"But I did send them."
"What?? You did???"
"Yes. That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the
plaintiff's business card."
-------
The Kingdom of Peecee
In the beginning, there was nothing but Apple. And the PC was without
form and void, and the darkness was on the face of its hard drive. And
Bill said, Let there be DOS: And there was DOS. And Bill looked upon
it, and it was good, and with it the PC slew the Apple. And DOS grew
and grew, until its number was legion if you counted the decimal
points, and still it was good.
And Bill grew large with ambition, and he decreed there should be a
processor of words; and lo, there was Word. And Bill sayeth, Let there
be a thingy for the crunching of numbers, and lo, there was Excel, and
did his kingdom grow apace.
But there had arisen in the land the thing called Macintosh, sprung
from the intransigent Apple-men, and Bill looked upon it, and it was
better
Rapidly did he decree that Word should be made to run upon it, and
after that Excel, and then all the other fruits of his efforts, but
still he was wrathful.
So Bill did order his minions to come forth with Windows, and when
they did, he looked upon it, and it was bad.
So he sent them back to try again, assuring all the world they would
get it right this time, yet they did not.
Unrelenting, Bill forced yet a third mighty blow, and when it came
forth, Bill did order his trumpets to blow, and his chorus to sing,
and, his criers to cry, until the din could be heard throughout the
land; and when he looked upon this third version of Windows, he saw it
was not all that great, but like hotcakes did it sell.
And thus did Bill gloat, for the world proclaimed he had matched the
lowly Macintosh, and his praises were sung throughout the land.
And so he ordered another, mightier, more magnificent version made,
and his henchmen and henchwomen did labor hard.
Still it was not forthcoming in the year promised, nor the year
promised next, and rumors did abound, and magazines did overflow with
secret peeks, and columnists did heap their scorn upon it. And came
the minions of the Justice Department, bent upon proving Bill
monopolous, yet before his wrath did they quail, and proclaim him
innocent, mostly.
And that which was once called Chicago became known as Windows 95, and
the suspense built throughout the land, and Bill, remembering what had
gone before, set about building a great Hype.
Into his Hype he put the greatest mouths of the land, and scattered
the fruits of his profits so heavily that he bought hosts of angels to
sing, and Rolling Stones songs, and trumpets and horns and drums
without number. As the time of birthing grew nigh, he purchased
television time without end, and appeared thereon himself, and bought
entire editions of newspapers to give away unto the faithful, and
traveling circuses to visit each great city.
And so when Windows 95 was born did hysteria rule the land, as the
choirs sang and the trumpets and horns did blare and the televisions
and the newspapers charge their followers to go forth and buy.
Heeding this, the populace did rush to the marketplace at the stroke
of midnight, when even the cock doth sleep, and did push and shove and
come even to blows the better to secure their own copies lest they be
thought ignorant, or uncool, or hamsters in the eyes of Bill.
And Bill looked upon what he had wrought, and he giggled, and rubbeth
his hands together, and even in the moment of his triumph, began to
think of Next Time.
--------
= Top Ten Other Things That Will Get You Kicked Out
of the White House =-
10. Ask Hillary, "So which number mistress are you?"
9. Tell President he looks even more dishonest in person.
8. Press button that summons the late Dwight Eisenhower.
7. Scream at tour guide, "White House? I thought we were going
to White Castle?"
6. Ask what number President Hugh Downs was.
5. Deface President's life-size statue of Ronald McDonald.
4. Ask Secretary of the Navy, "What's happenin', Popeye?"
3. Request a refill on your thousand dollar cup of coffee.
2. Say to guard, "Hi, I'm the President's brother, Roger..."
1. Change the channel during "Hee-Haw."
------------
Puns
I came down with laryngitis last week, and one day while I was petting
a Shetland Pony at the zoo, a friend of mine asked, "How are you
today?." I responded, "I'm feelin a little horse."
As the shopper placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger
asked her "Paper or plastic?" "Doesn't matter" she replied, "I'm
bisackual."
I took my 4 year old son to see the latest Disney movie. Before the
main feature was a Donald Duck cartoon. My son got up and asked to be
excused and I asked him why. He told me Donald Duck always gives him
Disneyspells.
An ace British aviator was knighted by Queen Elizabeth. Afterwards,
every time he flew over Buckingham Palace he would did his wings in
salute. The Queen was asked, "Who is that?" She replied, "That's the
fly-by knight!"
A one-L lama is a Tibetan Priest.
A two-L llama is a South American beast of burden.
A three-L lllama is a helluva fire.
Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis were a comedy team before they separated
to have separate careers. It was Dean who finally had enough and quit
telling Jerry, "I'm tired of being the guy from the wrong side of the
cracks."
The wife of a Las Vegas doctor telephoned a local casino and asked to
have her husband paged."Sorry, Madum," came the reply, "The house does
not make doctor calls"
Betsy Ross asked a group of colonists for their opinions of the flag
that she had made. It was the first flag poll.
Thomas Jack, an Englishman, invented the automated packaging machine
which revolutionized commercial sales in 1924. He was known as Jack
the Wrapper and he made a bundle.
Employees at AAMCO Mufflers complain that it is exhausting work.
When the first marble building was built, everyone took it for
granite.
Show me a blacksmith who is making hardware for a bathroom, and I'll
how you a man who is forging a head.
William Canby is credited with inventing the first computing scales,
which proves that where there's a Will, there is a weigh.
Every successful Department Store knows that elevators have their ups
and downs, but escalators are a step in the right direction.
In Kentucky, they have equine motels to provide horses with a stabile
environment.
The inventor of artificial snow originally called his product Snow
Fakes.
The Janitors Union went on strike demanding sweeping reforms. The
Baker's Union, however, wanted more dough.
When the first calendar was produced in 1640, everyone knew its days
were numbered.
--------
There were three babies in a woman's stomach, and they were
discussing what they would like to be when birthed and grown
up.
The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed
at this, and asked "why a plumber?" He replied, "so I can fix
the pipes in here, its kinda leaky."
The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others
laughed at this and asked "why an electrician?" He replied, "so
I can get some lights in here, its dark!"
The third one said "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought
this was hilarious, and laughed for a full 5 minutes, before
asking, "why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?" He
replied, "so I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps
coming in here and spitting on us!"
--------
You Might Be A Child Of The 70s If...
You can't remember a time when "going out for coffee" DIDN'T
involve 49,000 selections to choose from.
You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran
Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video.
Kids that work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to
make you angry by calling you "sir" or "ma'am".
At one point during your teenage years, you walked with a
noticeable tilt to one side due to the number of plastic rings on
that arm.
There were at least three people in your school that voluntarily
went by the names of "Skip," "Buffy," "Muffy," or "Dexter."
You ever owned one of those embarrassing crimping irons.
You used to hold in your head the thought that all those gold
chains on Mr. T actually looked kinda cool, and the thought that
Mr. T made millions seemed rational to you at the time.
You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit
the streets and made your old big wheel quite obsolete.
The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.
You read the "Hot Video Games Player's Secrets" guide for
Mortal Kombat just so you could find the hidden screen, and
play Pong again for old time's sake.
Honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever
possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.
You were convinced for years that Batman was a mildly overweight
man with a moderate beer belly who wore his underwear outside of
his clothes and talked strangely.
You thought Sean Cassidy was "dreamy", lusted after "Ted, your
ship's photographer" on the Love Boat and Chachi, or, to keep it
fair to the comically interested, thought Fred was just a hunk on
Scooby Doo.
You're starting to dread you're 30th birthday, and have even begun
going into denial about it's possibility.
Your hair, at some point in time in the 80s, became something which
can only be described by the phrase "I was experimenting."
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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