Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
Top ten signs you need a new HMO...
Here is another Original Scott Pam joke!
10.. When you visit, they sing, "We're in the money, we're in the
money..."
9.. They have one hypodermic for each patient...and use it every
year.
8.. The x-ray machine is an intern with a flashlight.
7.. No-one speaks English.
6.. The date on the medicine bottle does not exist...it was printed
before the "new" laws took effect.
5.. They take your temperature and ask you drop your pants first...
4.. You have a severe coronary, and they give you an appointment in
two weeks.
3.. The podiatrist is the same guy who loaded your bags at the
airport.
2.. The diplomas on the wall are all from a local high school and
include a 7th grade science project award.
1.. Patients check in, but you have not seen anyone leave...
--------
"Reincarnation?"
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and
reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one
remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world
exactly 30 days after their death.
Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car
wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in
the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
At the seance, she called out,
"John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?"
A ghostly voice answered her,
"Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"
"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine
most of the time."
"What do you do all day?" asked Martha.
"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast,
and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we
nap until two and then make love again until about five. After
dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."
Martha was somewhat taken aback.
"Is that what heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? Oh, I'm not in Heaven, Martha."
"Well, then, where are you, then?"
"I'm a bunny rabbit in Arizona, Martha."
----------
A Cowboy said to a Rancher, "Is that your dog?" The Rancher replied,
"Yup."
"Mind if I talk to him?" "Durn fool, don't you know dogs don't talk?"
The
Cowboy replied, "So what's the harm? May I?" "Go right ahead."
The Cowboy said to the dog, "Howdy!" The dog replied, "Hello." The
Rancher's
eyes pop wide. The Cowboy continued, "Is this your master?" "Yep, he
sure
is." "Does he treat you alright?" "Sure does. Every day he takes me
for
a walk, he feeds me all kinds of great food, and once a week he takes
me to
the lake to play."
Rancher was dumbfounded. The Cowboy said to the Rancher, "Is that your
horse over there?" "Yes." "Do you mind if I talk to him?" The Rancher
replied, "I know the dog spoke to you, but I know for a fact that
horses
can't talk." "Well, then what would it hurt?" "Go right ahead."
The Cowboy said to the horse, "Hello." The Horse replied, "Hello." The
Rancher stood there with his jaw wide open. The Cowboy asked, "Is
that
your owner?" "Yup, sure is." "He treat you okay?" "Sure, he rides me
every
day, brushes me down at the end of the day, and he keeps me in the
barn
away from the elements." "Sounds good."
The Cowboy then asked the Rancher, "Are those your sheep over there?"
The Rancher is horrified and stammers, "Them sheep out there, they're
nothing but a bunch of liars!"
---------
The Top 14 Tips for Surviving College
14> Minimize food budget by scheduling classes around Happy Hour.
13> Enjoy being a Sophomore -- It will be the best three years of
your life.
12> Wear an athletic cup to panty raids, because it's all fun and
games until someone loses their 'nads.
11> Lemon juice and baking soda make an excellent bong water
stain remover.
10> Earn extra cash by parlaying chemistry knowledge into
lucrative "home pharmaceuticals" business.
9> If an 8:00 am class is required for your major, change your
major.
8> Boring lecture? Start a wave!
7> College-level algebra: 5 returnable bottles = 1 delicious
Ramen Noodle dinner.
6> "I Phelta Thi" is *not* a real fraternity, except at state
colleges.
5> Remember - almost no one complains when you puke in a
dumpster.
4> Clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into
a 100-page senior essay.
3> Football games were never meant to be observed by sober
people.
2> Don't think of it as sleeping with your professor -- think of
it as "acing Biology."
and the Number 1 Tip for Surviving College...
1> In a pinch, milk can be used as a beer substitute in your
breakfast cereal.
-= Top Ten Side Effects of the New Impotence Drug =-
10. You find yourself thinking, "Andy Rooney isn't a bad looking
guy."
9. Inability to safely use revolving doors.
8. Now have to come up with brand new excuse for your poor sexual
performance
7. You like piņa coladas and getting caught in the rain.
6. Uncontrollable urge to run for President of the United States.
5. May cause hair loss in Canadians.
4. You're able to multiply jillions of big numbers like that guy
in "Good Will Hunting."
3. Sudden desire to buy erector set.
2. After first use, girlfriend tells you, "Save your money,
hot shot."
1. Pregnancy *
---------
Painting the Temple...
Two men were down on their luck and decided to paint houses to earn
some extra money. To start their business they asked the rabbi of a
local synagogue if he would be interested in their service. He agreed
and the men went out to buy the paint. As they drove to the paint
store they decided that they would mix half paint and half water to
try to increase their profits. When they finished the job they called
the rabbi outside to look at their work. "It looks wonderful," the
rabbi said and as he started to hand them the check a small raincloud
appeared. All at once there was lightning and thunder and the temple
area was drenched with rain. As the rain hit the synagogue the paint
started running.
Suddenly, as the three of them stood there in disbelief, a voice from
heaven said ... "Repaint and thin no more."
---------
Accountant Humor
What's the definition of an accountant?
- Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way
you don't understand.
What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
- Someone who has a loophole named after him.
When does a person decide to become an accountant?
- When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an
undertaker.
What does an accountant use for birth control?
- His personality.
What's an extroverted accountant?
- One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his
own.
What's an auditor?
- Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Why did the auditor cross the road?
- Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
There are three kinds of accountants in the world: those who can count
and those who can't.
How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
- Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the
wrong way.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
- Depreciation.
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the
value of nothing.
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his
doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried
counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend
three hours trying to find it."
-------
Ending it all...
An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and
the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various
methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that
the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the
heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her
heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that
her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. So she shot
herself in the left kneecap.
----------
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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