Richard Soderstrom <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes: >Advice to Yankees Moving South >1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to >use it. >2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". >You have a 75% chance of being right. >3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay >home the two days of the year it snows. >4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab >of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along >shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what >they live for. >5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. >6. Do not buy food at the movie store. >7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone >eating. >8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" >is plural possessive. >9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, >unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent. >10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?" >11. People walk slower here. >12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't >understand you either. >13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted >Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" >or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced >dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it. >14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. >15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here. >16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last >shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down. >17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out >of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say. >18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who >do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license >plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased. >19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's >windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers. >20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until >November. >22. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most >minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local >grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it >is just something you're supposed to do. >23. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one >it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical >bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and >should, therefore, be displayed. >24. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in >common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer. >25. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees >than Southerners living there. >26. In southern churches you will here the hymn, All Glory, Laud and >Honor. You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", Good >Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy". >27. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, >directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive >on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed >and lane position for the vehicle. >28. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know >the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to >find it yourself. >**************** The dirty old Gandy Dancer Subscribe/Unsubscribe, email: [EMAIL PROTECTED] In the body of the message enter: subscribe/unsubscribe law-issues
