Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
"Thinking on your feet..."
There was a boy who worked in the produce section
of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half
a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold
whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did
not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy
said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said,
"There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only
a half a head of lettuce."
As he was finishing saying this he turned around to
find the man standing right behind him, so he added,
"And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager okayed the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost
got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was
impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You
think on you feet and we like that around here. Where are
you from, son?"
The boy replied, "Canada, sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Canada" asked the
manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey
players up there."
"My wife is from Canada!!"
The boy replied,
"Really! What team did she play for?"
---------
Da Deaf Mob
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly
collections from all the private businesses that they
were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from
the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for
this job; if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able
to communicate to the police what he
was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up
over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the
money and stashes it in a safe place.
The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late,
and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.
The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the
money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with
them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where
da money is."
The interpreter signs,"Where's the money?"
The deaf man signs in response, "I don't know what
you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't
know what you're talking about"
The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of
the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man signs back, "The $40,000 is in a tree
stump in Central Park."
The interpreter looks to the hood and says, "He says he
still doesn't know what you're talking about, and
doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."
----------
The Top 14 Tips for Surviving College
14> Minimize food budget by scheduling classes around Happy Hour.
13> Enjoy being a Sophomore -- It will be the best three years of
your life.
12> Wear an athletic cup to panty raids, because it's all fun and
games until someone loses their 'nads.
11> Lemon juice and baking soda make an excellent bong water
stain remover.
10> Earn extra cash by parlaying chemistry knowledge into
lucrative "home pharmaceuticals" business.
9> If an 8:00 am class is required for your major, change your
major.
8> Boring lecture? Start a wave!
7> College-level algebra: 5 returnable bottles = 1 delicious
Ramen Noodle dinner.
6> "I Phelta Thi" is *not* a real fraternity, except at state
colleges.
5> Remember - almost no one complains when you puke in a
dumpster.
4> Clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into
a 100-page senior essay.
3> Football games were never meant to be observed by sober
people.
2> Don't think of it as sleeping with your professor -- think of
it as "acing Biology."
and the Number 1 Tip for Surviving College...
1> In a pinch, milk can be used as a beer substitute in your
breakfast cereal.
--------
The Pizza Metric
The software engineering community has been placing a great deal of
emphasis lately on metrics and their use in software development. The
following metrics are probably among the most valuable for a software
project:
The Pizza Metric
----------------
How: Count the number of pizza boxes in the lab.
What: Measures the amount of schedule under-estimation. If people are
spending enough after-hours time working on the project that they need
to have meals delivered to the office, then there has obviously been a
mis-estimation somewhere.
The Aspirin Metric
------------------
How: Maintain a centrally-located aspirin bottle for use by the team.
At the beginning and end of each month, count the number of aspirin
remaining aspirin in the bottle. What: Measures stress suffered by the
team during the project. This most likely indicates poor project
design in the early phases, which causes over-expenditure of effort
later on. In the early phases, high aspirin-usage probably indicates
that the product's goals or other parameters were poorly defined.
The Beer Metric
---------------
How: Invite the team to a beer bash each Friday. Record the total bar
bill. What: Closely related to the Aspirin Metric, the Beer Metric
measures the frustration level of the team. Among other things, this
may indicate that the technical challenge is more difficult than
anticipated.
The Creeping Feature Metric
---------------------------
How: Count the number of features added to the project after the
design has been signed off, but that were not requested by any
requirements definition. What: This measures schedule slack. If the
team has time to add features that are not necessary, then there was
too much time allocated to a schedule task.
The "Duck!" Metric
----------------------------
How: This one is tricky, but a likely metric would be to count the
number of engineers that leave the room when a marketing person
enters. This is only valid after a requirements document has been
finalized. What: Measures the completeness of the initial
requirements. If too many requirements changes are made after the
product has been designed, then the engineering team will be wary of
marketing, for fear of receiving yet another change to a design which
met all initial specifications.
The Status Report Metric
------------------------
How: Count the total number of words dedicated to the project in each
engineer's status report.
What: This is a simple way to estimate the smoothness with which the
project is running. If things are going well, an item will likely
read, "I talked to Fred; the widgets are on schedule." If things are
not going as well, it will say, "I finally got in touch with Fred
after talking to his phone mail for nine days straight. It appears
that the widgets will be delayed due to snow in the Ozarks, which will
cause the whoozits schedule to be put on hold until widgets arrive. If
the whoozits schedule slips by three weeks, then the entire project is
in danger of missing the July deadline."
--------
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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