Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
I wish...
A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how
badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a
magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a
magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her
troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will
give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not
believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount
of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she
makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The
genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one
billion one-dollar bills.
The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10
billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she
makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on
the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but
the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what
she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of
ten such mansions.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last
wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman
informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before
she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will
get ten times what she wishes for.
"No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last
wish ... I'd like to give birth to twins."
----
Here's some of Rodney Dangerfield's best one liners...
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over,
there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.
And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have
nothing to play with.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the
other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging
naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing
that for? He said .... Because you came home early.
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt
and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle
came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a
toaster and a radio.
My mother never breast fed me.She told me that she only liked me
as a friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with
his wallet.
When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and
said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we
could ...but he pulled through. My mother had morning
sickness after I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my
finger to my father.He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to
help me find my parents. I said to him ..... do you think we'll
ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so
many places they can hide.
On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like
me.Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its
different...when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up
and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong
with me? He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.I told him .... If you
don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright....
you're ugly too!
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ... turned
me over and said. Look ... twins!
I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My
doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
----
The Top 16 Signs Your Radio DJs Are "Borrowing" Their Material
16> "Here are our top 5, er, 10... signs your underwear is
on backwards: Number 16, um, 10..."
15> They constantly complain how misunderstood Milli Vanilli
were as artists.
14> No matter how frequently he's mentioned, they never seem to
be able to explain who the hell Chester is.
13> Morning guy says, "As I was ruminating and pondering on my
drive in this morning..."
12> They're always throwing zingers like "Thou pribbling whey-
faced coxcomb!" and "Thou churlish pottle-deep strumpet!"
11> "Check out this wacky little thing we wrote called 'Who's
on First...'"
10> Well, if you're screaming "THE GERMAN ZIPPER GOBLIN TOOK
MY LIVER!!!", right now, to your radio audience, then we're
talking about you, Pirate-Boy!
9> When Saturday Night Live is a rerun, they tell a week's
worth of Jimmy Carter jokes.
8> His childhood anecdotes feature a character called "Fat
Herbert."
7> "Due to unanticipated modem failure, the 'Two Zany, Wacky
Guys' show will be replaced today the by 'Bob and Ike's
Agriculture Report.'"
6> "And now, KSUK brings you the Top 5 Reasons DJs are a Bunch
of Unoriginal Morons who Couldn't Come up with Something
Funny to Save... HEY! Wait a minute!!"
5> "And here with today's Nutty 5 List, our very own Hurricane
Schmurricane!"
4> All of a sudden, Father Flanagan on "The Breakfast Prayer
Show" is a lot funnier than he used to be.
3> Their top ten list entitled "Things Not To Do on a First
Date" sounds suspiciously like the Ten Commandments.
2> "Hey there! This is Wolfman Mack, and that was our list
of the Top 5 Signs Your Radio DJs May be 'Borrowing' Their
Material."
and Top5's Number 1 Sign Your Radio DJs
Are "Borrowing" Their Material...
1> Ends each joke with "And I wrote that myself, no matter what
you might hear from those lying bastards at Top Five."
------
Shipwreck
A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The
man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to
5-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four
months he ate bananas,drank coconut juice and longed for his old life
and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day,
as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of
his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he
had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where
did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here
when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many
are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "It's
only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did." He
was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?" "Oh, simple,"
replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I found
on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove
the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a
Eucalyptus tree." "B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You
had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, that was no
problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is
a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I
fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable
ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the
hardware. But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"
Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the
whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After
a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the
man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was
a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and
white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp
rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into
the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit
down, please; would you like a drink?" "No, no thank you," he said,
still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How
about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted,
and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their
stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something
comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a
razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There
in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed
to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it's end inside a swivel
mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?" When he
returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically
positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him
to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively,
slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time.
You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like
doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months.
You know..." She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was
hearing. "You mean--?" he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"
----
"Unreasonable Eve"
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve
became upset.
"You're running around with other women." she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the
only woman on Earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be
awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," replied Eve.
-------
An institution for the mentally ill arranged for its inmates to
attend a baseball game. The director spent days training the patients
to obey his commands, so there wouldn't be any trouble.
The day of the game was bright and sunny and the group arrived just
before the first pitch. When it was time for the National Anthem,
the director yelled, "Up, nuts!" and the inmates immediately rose.
When the National Anthem was over, the director yelled, "Down, nuts!"
and the inmates sat. The game proceeded and the inmates were
well-behaved. When the home team made a good play, the director
yelled,
"Clap, nuts!" and the patients applauded just like normal fans.
Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go get
a hot dog and a beer. But when he came back, there was a riot going
on.
The director finally located his assistant and demanded, "What
happened?" "Everything was fine," the assistant said, "until some
guy came over and yelled, 'Peanuts'!"
-----------
Windows '00
Redmond, Wash -- Microsoft today announced the newest addition to its
popular Windows (TM) line of computer operating systems. Code named
Atlantis, the newest offering will be officially known as Win '00,
pronounced Windows double zero.
At the gala press conference, President and CEO Bill Gates personally
made the announcement. Multicast to every corner of the world, Gates
spoke to the huge crowd of computer press, as a 60 foot high video
screen behind him showed his face and Aerosmith sang their hit 'Dream
On' in the background.
"We are on the verge of the new millenium, and Microsoft is ready to
lead the way into the new century. Just as we have been on the
forefront of technology, claiming every advance in computing, we will
now set the newest standard in the market. Taking the concept of the
Virtual machine to its next logical evolutionary stage, our new
operating system features the virtual desktop. No longer can the
luddites claim that we have taken the look and feel of a competitor's
system. This concept will mark the beginning of a new paradigm for
desktop computing. Yesterday's slogan was, "Where do you want to go
today?" The slogan of tomorrow is, 'What do you want now?' Microsoft
has shown again that we are the only choice."
Following the rousing cheers and a standing ovation from the assembled
press, Vice President Steve Ballmar continued on the theme established
during the keynote speech.
"As you all know, Microsoft is and will continue to be the dominant
force in desktop software. To maintain our advantage, we have
developed the ultimate in ease of use for our customers. Our aim was
to develop something that would be everything to everyone, and to
achieve this we have virtualized the entire operating system."
"Any user can make his system anything he wants, limited only by his
lack of vision. Everyone can have things exactly as they want -- Let
me show you how powerful and easy this new concept is with an
illustration. Imagine that you have to give a presentation for an
important client, and that you will want to use a word processor for
the text, a spreadsheet for some tabular data, and of course, some
presentation graphics. Now further imagine that you have all of the
Microsoft tools that will allow you to do this perfectly, conveniently
located on your virtual desktop. Now imagine that you are done. Wasn't
that easy!"
"By its nature, the virtual operating system and the associated
virtual desktop, are highly correlated to the thoughts and needs of
the individual user. So we have reassigned our current tech support
staff to work on other critical items, including the next paradigm
shift in network computing and mowing Bill's lawn, while we acquired
the Psychic Friends Network to replace them. There will be a new tech
support 800 number, where each caller will get the first 10 minutes
free, and a chance to talk to his or her own psychic who can help with
rebuilding the virtual desktop."
Press reaction was positive, with comments such as:
Steven Manes, columnist for PC World - "I have finally found something
I can understand. It is so simple, a child could do it. There's
nothing to it."
Sandy Reed, Editor of Infoworld gushed, "The greatest thing since
sliced bread. I can see now that this will be voted the best operating
system in next year's readers' choice survey."
John Dvorak, computer columnist and radio personality - "This is
revolutionary. I am surprised that no one thought of it before."
Windows, the number '00', and independent thought are trademarks of
the Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.
-----
Lone Ranger and Tonto
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a
beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who
owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched
his gunbelt, and said, "I do... Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd
like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger
and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from
heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to
feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said,
"Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create
enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around
Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger
returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who
owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and
claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your
Injun runnin'."
-------
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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