Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
people can be SO stupid.....
here is some more proof.
>BUXTON, N.C. A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep
hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside
it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for
fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting
in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when
it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People
on the beach on the Outer Banks used their hands and
shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident
of Woodbridge, Va., but could not reach him. It took
rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour
to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones
was pronounced dead at a hospital. You just wouldn't
believe the outpouring of concern, people digging with
their hands, using pails from kids," Dare County Sheriff
Bert Austin said.
--------------------------------
In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc,
Calif., as he fell face-first through the ceiling of
a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused
when the large flashlight he had placed in his mouth
(to keep his hands free) crammed against the base of
his skull as he hit the floor.
--------------------------------
According to police in Dahlonega, Ga., ROTC cadet Nick
Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow
cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that
a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was
wearing.
--------------------------------
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February
in Selbyville, Del., as he won a bet with friends who
said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets
into his mouth and pull the trigger.
--------------------------------
In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel
Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision,
thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were
playing with their snowmobiles.
--------------------------------
In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker,
who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife,
accidentally jogged off of a 200-foot-high cliff on
his daily run.
--------------------------------
In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck
and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing headfirst
through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his
car keys.
--------------------------------
In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high
bluff near Ozark, Ark., after he lost his grip swinging
on a cross that marked the spot where another person
had fallen to his death in 1990.
--------------------------------
DARWIN AWARD WANNA-BE'S
In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill
a millipede with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle,
but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and
hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his
skull.
--------------------------------
In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting
to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use
a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire
that burned the first and second floors of his house.
--------------------------------
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township,
N. J., in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured,
by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their
car. While driving around at 2a.m., the bored couple
lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window
to see what would happen, but they apparently failed
to notice that the window was closed.
--------------------------------
Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia,
an annual festival in November includes five days of
amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed,
but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored
in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant,
"It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand morons."
----------
Here are a few reputably true schoolboy howlers:
Christians are only allowed one wife and this is known as monotony.
Jesus appeared to two disciples behind locked doors as they were walking
to Emmaus.
A lie is a sin and an abomination in the sight of the Lord, but a very
present help in time of trouble.
John the Baptist was beheaded with the Axe of the Apostles.
You must love your neighbour even if you hate him.
Everyone was pleased when Jesus healed the paralytic man, except Simon
who
had to pay to have the roof mended.
Jesus stood up in the synagogue in Nazareth and read from the Epistles
of
St Paul.
Four men came out carrying a parable on a bed.
If someone slaps you turn and let him have another knock and the door
shall be opened.
Two Jesuits, probably a man and wife, were on the way to Emmaus.
The end of the World will mark a turning point in everyone's life.
John said it was not awful for you to marry your brother's wife.
Question: What do you know about Elijah?
Answer: All I know about Elijah was that he went for a cruise with a
widow.
Question: What do you know about the Last Supper?
Answer: I was away for that - I had the measles.
Question: What is a Vixen?
Answer: A lady Vicar.
Question: What is the first and greatest Commandment?
Answer: Hang all the law and the prophets.
Quesion: Who lived in the Garden of Eden?
Answer: The Adams Family.
The Pilgrim Fathers were captured by Giant Despair. They were a big
band
of Quackers.
Moses received the Ten Commandments on two stones, and these he
impressed
upon the people.
There is always a knave in churches to remind you of Sin.
The chief missile of the Church of England is the Prayer Book.
Jesus cured Peter's mother-in-law when she was sick of a fever, and
Peter
swore and went out and wept bitterly.
Misheard Scriptures:
Get the hens Satan.
Thy rod and they staff they come for me.
Lead us not into Thames Station.
Lay not up for yourselves trousers upon earth.
----------
A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I
want
you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this
procedure
for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5
pounds."
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20
pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"
The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to
drop
dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
----------
1) Microsoft Donates to Charity
----------------------------------------------------------------------
REDMOND, WA -- Following the lead of Ted Turner, who last week donated
a billion dollars to the United Nations, Bill Gates, Chairman of
Microsoft, announced that he will donate slightly more than $50 to the
Girl Scouts of America. Gates, who has recently been earning money at
the rate of nearly $2.5 million per *hour*, said, "Fifty bucks is a
lot of money to girls that age."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
2) The Zen Master in New York City
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a
hotdog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who
pays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my
change?" asks the Zen Master.
The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
3) Beer Troubleshooting
----------------------------------------------------------------------
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
--------
"The Mising Portion Of Book Of Genesis"
It is reported that the following edition of the Book of
Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If
authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where
do pets come from?"
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you
walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore.
I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember
how much you love me."
And G-d said, "No problem! I will create a companion
for you that will be with you forever and who will be a
reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love
you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how
selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new
companion will accept you as you are and will love you
as I do, in spite of yourself."
And G-d created a new animal to be a companion for
Adam. And it was a good animal. And G-d was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and
he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have
already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the
good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for
this new animal."
And G-d said, "No problem! Because I have created this
new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name
will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him
DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him
and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And G-d was
pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel
came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled
with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he
believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught
him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a
companion who will be with him forever and who will see
him as he is. The companion will remind him of his
limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of
adoration."
And G-d created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And
Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded
that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned
humility.
And G-d was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.
And Cat did not care one way or the other.
-----------
Mom's and Understanding Computers
For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa
Claus is a real person or not. Her answer was always "Well, you asked
for the presents and they came, didn't they?" I finally understood the
full meaning of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual
device: "A software or hardware entity which responds to commands in
a manner indistinguishable from the real device." Mother was telling
me that Santa Claus is a virtual person (simulated by loving parents)
who responds to requests from children in a manner indistinguishable
from the real saint.
Mother also taught the IF ... THEN ... ELSE structure: "If it's
snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school;
otherwise just wear your shoes."
Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction
processing:
"We'll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make
a load, but we'll wash these socks out right now by hand because
you'll need them this afternoon."
Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party,
she laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue
telling where to find the next one, and the last one leading to the
treasure. She then gave us the first clue.
Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks
after doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number and
groaned when only one sock of a pair emerged from the washing
machine. Later she applied the principles of redundancy engineering to
this problem by buying our socks three identical pairs at a time. This
greatly increased the odds of being able to come up with at least one
matching pair.
Mother had all of us children writes then mailed in a single
envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously an instance of
blocking records in order to save money by reducing the number
of physical I/O operations.
Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she
turned on the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to
reminder herself to turn it off again before leaving the house.
Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be
serviced when they have completed any operation. She had a
whistling teakettle.
Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put
the dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the
napkin on top so that things would come out in the right order
at lunchtime.
There is an old story that God knew He couldn't be physically
present everywhere at once, to show His love for His people, and
so He created mothers. That is the difference between centralized and
distributed processing. As any kid who's ever misbehaved at a
neighbor's house finds out, all the mothers in the neighborhood talk
to each other. That's a local area network of distributed processors
that can't be beat.
Mom, you were the best computer teacher I ever had.
-------
30 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life
1.Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address
book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two
on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the
breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you
have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is*
letterhead.
2.You have never sat through an entire movie without having at
least one device on your body beep or buzz.
3.You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you
can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only
computers with laser printers.
4.You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you
forget to send your father a birthday card.
5.You disdain people who use low baud rates.
6.When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a
salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct
him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers'
questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his
head.
7.You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation
without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
8.You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you
say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what
you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you
don't have to explain it.
9.You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up
your own social security number.
10.You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice
number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any
house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other
contraptions.
11.You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your
signature.
12.Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke
symbols that are far more clever than :-).
13.You back up your data every day.
14.Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the
store and you return with a rest for your mouse.
15.You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are
stupid.
16.On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the
pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
17.The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely
enters your mind.
18.You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase
"electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term
"information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man
still uses hand-drawn pie charts.
19.You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the
exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions
to your house without looking up the street names.
20.You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
21.You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell
you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and
demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive
more information about the product it is selling.
22.You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-
quarter-and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.
23.Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
24.You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually
know where they are.
25.While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia
surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a
nine-year-old.
26.You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure
enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology
question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
27.You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your
automobile tires.
28.You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster
you own turns bread into charcoal.
29.You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different
opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track *pad*.
30.You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my
friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own
good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a
laptop.
--------
NEW Rush Calendar
NEG FRI FRI FRI THU WED TUE
8 7 6 5 4 3 2
16 15 14 12 11 10 9
23 22 21 20 19 18 17
32 30 28 27 26 25 24
39 38 37 36 35 34 33
* This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush
jobs are wanted yesterday. With this calendar, a job can be
ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd.
* Most jobs are required by Friday, so there are three Fridays
in every week.
* There are eight new days added to each month to allow for
end-of-the-month panic jobs.
* There is no 1st of the month -- thus avoiding late delivery of the
previous month's last-minute panic jobs.
* Monday morning hangovers are abolished together along with
non-productive Saturdays and Sundays.
* A new day, Negotiation Day, has been introduced keeping the
other days free for un-interrupted panic.
---------
You Know you're hooked when:
1. Your wife wants a diamond for her birthday, and you get her a
Diamond Stealth Video Card.
2. You're in bed, making it, and it reminds you of how it must
feel to be a floppy disk going into your new drive.
3. You know what PPP, SLIP, HTML & FTP mean...but damned if you
can remember your wife's maiden name.
4. You sit in front of the tv...trying to type at a keyboard.
5. You "right click"....on your wife's nipples.
6. The "cute name" for your member has changed to
"Joystick"....and you hold it the same way.
7. You find out that Hemorrhoids aren't THAT painful, as long as
you're on the 'Net.
8. When someone yells out "What's for supper?" you do a search
for SUPPER.COM.
9. Whenever your wife mentinions "protection", you remind
yourself that you gotta get a keyboard protector.
10. You suspect there's a virus in your mashed potatoes.
11. You're starting to get an erection when you look at computer
upgrades.
12. If you smoke away from the machine, you notice that the
breaks are getting shorter and les frequent.
13. The optomestic looks deep in your eyes, and sees a screen
saver.
14. You finally save up enough to visit the Grand Canyon, and you
can't help but wonder how it would look on a 21" SVGA.
15. "Not tonight, I have a headache" has been replaced with "Not
tonight, I finally got connected".
16. Your computer room has a better air conditioner than your
bedroom.
17. You wonder if you can install your own fiber optics telephone line
to your server.
18. You speak of "Your Server" with the same reverence you used
to reserve for your Doctor?
19. You never met the guy, but you've already decided on a plan
to assassinate Bill Gates.
20. You sit in front of the computer reading idiotic cyber stand
up comedy like this.
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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