Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
"Squawks" are problem listings that military pilots generally leave
for maintenance crews, and are normally accompanied by a response
from the maintenance worker.
>From the "Squawk Sheets":
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #2: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1,#3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Solution: "IT DOES NOW"
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit"
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "Number three engine missing"
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud"
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm
descent." Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
---------
Three girl friends were flying together on a vacation. A jewish girl, an
italian girl, and an afro american. The plane encountered mechanical
difficulties and had to crash land in a very dense swamp area. As fate
would
have it , they wound up together laying in a heap but otherwise unhurt.
After
getting over the initial shock of the event they tried to figure out
what to
do to facilitate their rescue. The three friends thought for a while,
then the
jewish lady rolled up the sleeves of her dress , revealing an extensive
collection of gold bracelets . When they see these shining in the sun,
i'll be
spotted and rescued first. Oh yea said the italian girl as she took of
her
blouse and bra, revealing a pair of 40 DD hooters when the rescue team
see's
these, i'll get all the attention. A dramatic pause ensued, then the
afro
american proceeded to remove her skirt and panties. What did you do
that for
the other two askked?
Don't you all know she said, when theres a crash like this the first
thing
they look for is the "Black Box"
-----------------
Sherry or Port ...
A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive
lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon
discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and
apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed;
he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings,
first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass
of wine.
He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,
"Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it's the nectar of the gods.
Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with
a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed
and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the
enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It
seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole
being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being
softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another
world.
On the other hand, Port makes me fart."
----------
Airplanes That Run On Operating Systems, Not Jet Fuel
Here's some descriptions of airplanes run by various operating
systems:
DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it
coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.
DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.
Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers
look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a
question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and
everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.
OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10
different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a
form asking how you want your seating arranged--with the look and feel
of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and
off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder
and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers
before you crash.
Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy
access to a plane, uneventful takeoff. Then: BOOM! You blow up without
any warning whatsoever.
NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows
plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security
is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets
can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast
majority of passengers with coach tickets can't even get aboard.
Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the
runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of
plane they're building.
CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13
airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote
mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don't need to know where the
airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you
don't fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just
like the real thing except that you don't go anywhere. But that's
okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to
leave home.
----------
A Brooklyn lawyer named Ernie successfully defends a major
crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder,
kidnapping, and selling arms.
As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs
him by the arm. “Young man, where are your scruples? Isn’t
there anyone too low for you to defend?”
“I don’t know, “ Ernie says, “What have you done?”
----------
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1998 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I
have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They
are evil and expensive.
It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that
the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs)
knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You
may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction.
This year they are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest
you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's
questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has
not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name.
Taxes should be a breeze; Next year she is going to college. I think
it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little
expense. While you mull that over keep in mind that she has a truck.
It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of
appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or
getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend.
Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her
alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the
virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe
sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be
handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn
Elders, who had a rather good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner
himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was
awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing
Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would
you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at
14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent
dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll
have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after
instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number
with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging
hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more
peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them
unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables,
vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a
source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and
976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by
magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21.
She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes,
beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you
will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial
reading courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped
it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the
deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that we were
terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise this one
to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under
twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley
girls/boys in the hood/reggae/ yuppie/ political doublespeak. I don't.
The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's.
It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats
backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more
times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am
sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, as
she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to
move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to
pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I
still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you
take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather
becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad
about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your
decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding
on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and to make a down payment
on an airplane.
Yours Truly,
Bob
---------
Place and time: somewhere in the Soviet Union in the 1930s.
The phone rings at KGB headquarters.
"Hello?"
"My neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz is an enemy of the State. He is hiding
undeclared diamonds in his woodshed."
"This will be noted."
The next day, the KGB goons go over to Rabinovitz's house. They search
the
shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no
diamonds, swear at Rabinovitz, and leave.
The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.
"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."
----------
Women's English:
Yes = no
no = yes
maybe = no
I'm sorry = you'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decison = the correct decison should be obvious by now
Do what you want = you'll pay for this later
we need to talk = I need to complain
sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = of course I'm upset, you moron!!
Be romantic, turn off the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvienient = I want a new house
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
are you listening to me? = (too late you're already dead )
is that the baby? = I noticed you were almost asleep
The same old thing = nothing
nothing = everything
everything = my PMS is acting up
nothing, really = it's just that you're such an asshole
Men's English
I'm tired = I'm tired
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
Do you want to go to a movie sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal about
this
What's wrong? = what meaningless self-inflicted psycholocical trauma are
you going through now?
I love you = let's have sex now.
I love you too. = ok, I said it....now can we have sex?
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it still doesn't look
any different!
Let's talk = I'm trying to impress you by showing you how deep I can be
and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with
anyone but me.
(while shopping) I like that one better. = Just pick a freakin'
dress!!!!!
----------
LETTER TO HEAVEN
-----------------------------
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing
happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting
the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord,
USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was
so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to
send the little boy a $5 bill.
President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a
little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to
write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read:
Dear Lord,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that
for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as
usual, those jerks deducted $95.
---------
A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart
attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating
table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is
this
it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live."
Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have
collagen
shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast
augmentation.
She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another
30
to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.
She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was
killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in
front
of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?"
God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"
-----------
Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were
inscribed: "The Gate of Heaven". Below that was a small
cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."
Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church
of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord,
please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."
A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas
cards. "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well
give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."
On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and
one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well,
I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied:
"Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."
During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the
children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and
said: "It means - 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' "
A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order.
His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".
I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran
up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea
gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the
little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son
thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"
Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a
time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy
said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God tells
me."
Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"
After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I
grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you,"
the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one
of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned
to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the
blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say
what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed
her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all
these
people to dinner?
----------
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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