When I'm drunk the following are the funniest jokes in the world, when I'm
sober I'm not so sure, what do you think....

my worst memory of primary school was the day the teacher asked me to take
the Guinea Pig home for Christmas..... three weeks later I emerged blinking
into the sunshine, disembarking off a boat at the Docks in the Capital of
the West African Republic of Guinea.

or 

Recently I was hearing whistles and beeps in my ears, so I thought I was
suffering from Tinnitus - I went to my GP and they carried out the normal
tests. This morning I returned for the results and it turns out its NOT
tinnitus, but that I'm a paranoid schizophrenic and the whistles and beeps
are in fact the Clangers and they're telling me to kill everyone.





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