The four lines below were written yesterday on my return. I didn't
post them
because there isn't much there that is worth reading. I keep them,
rather than
erasing, because they're part of the record. When I re-read
yesterday's messages
of mine, both complaints about my frustration in not finding the right
language, I'm
surprised how well-written they are. That which has a difficult birth
may yet be
well-born. But am I ready now to return to the title of this thread?
The core pain?
It seems to me now that there are several things. But still they may
ultimately be
one and the same, merely seen from different angles. The absence of
love, my
inability to love, surely that is the condition I share with our entire
species. On the
other hand I become aware of it as a feeling of exclusion from
humanity. I'm the
outsider, I also play the outsider. In my get-up. And it irritates
people. They take
it as a deliberate provocation. And they're not wrong. I play the
discordant note.
I advertise my separateness. They read that gesture as pride. For me
it expresses
how I feel. I feel like a misfit and assert that feeling. It's my
truth. I must live my
truth. But I may be dissipating my energy by this confrontational
style of living.
Perhaps I can reduce the confrontational element. Am I too much my
father's son
in this aspect? The last thing I'd want to be. But I may well be
stepping into dog
turd here. (To be continued - too tired now)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The hearing at City Hall went very well. Also a magic bicycle ride in
High Park.
And at City Hall I also drank a cup of coffee. I feel much better now.
My level of
serotonin or endorphin, or whatever, now quite high. The frustration
of the early
morning is now gone.
On 18-Oct-05, at 6:23 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
Is it possible for me to actually feel that absence of love? Or is it
just a theory?
My mind may not be supple enough to go into that question. If I had
some coffee
to assist me or some marijuana. Without those aids I just keep
drawing blanks.
Perhaps it's time to take a toke again, but it's been such a long time
since I last
indulged and I don't want to break that streak. More importantly I
want to strengthen
my resilience to handle difficult questions without chemical
assistance. Why am I
unable to see the simple truth of my life? Am I stuck in the wrong
questions? Am
I preoccupied with too much agenda? No, it's more the interminable
chattering in
my brain that blocks me. I even have trouble turning off the radio or
tv when I sit
here at this table. Perhaps this morning this is the best I can do.
Just to sit here in
my state of frustration. I wish I could rouse myself from this clammy
state, but it
doesn't seem possible. I'm still drinking tea. Maybe I need to give
that up too. But
my problem may be in another area. Increasingly it appears to me that
it may
indeed be the tea that is blocking my enquiry. I posted the parallel
text to mark.
maybe that will free me up a little. Now I'm no longer addressing a
particular reader.
But other matters seem to be throwing some kind of shadow over my
questioning.
There is the Academy with its hostilities. There is today the City
Hall meeting to
stop construction across the street in the ravine. I'm not sure what
is blocking me.
On 17-Oct-05, at 7:14 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
Stay with that. Stay with the absence of love. Healing is bound to
come
from the distillation of that which causes the problem.
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