Irritants, irritants everywhere. Reach for the pot. Reach for a fix.
The hysteria
always on the boil. Cool it. Time will kill it. But time also kills
the sensitivity.
Sensitivity flips over into hysteria. That's my story. That's my
early training. I
can't re-write the book of my past. Not true. Humans always re-write
their past.
But it's the ego that does the re-writing. I would like to introduce
sanity into that
operation. Is that possible? The ego cannot change itself. All it
can do is to
propagate itself, and the changes that occur in that process are the
same kind
of errors that occur in genetic reproduction. Sanity is a different
energy. It
operates outside the field of the known. Can the ego invite sanity?
No, quite
out of the question. But there is one thing the ego can do, and that
is to stop in
its tracks. But is that something the ego decides, or is it merely
part of the
shock of recognizing contradictions within? I can stop in my tracks if
i see the
abyss opening up ahead of me. I can flick the ego switch off. I can
even slow
down the flow of the current. I cannot alter its energy. The energy
of the self is
a material process, as thought is a material process. The energy of
sanity is
not of matter. Can sanity speak to me? Can I listen to sanity? I
think I can.
As I can listen to nature, to art, to beauty. The depth of my
listening is part of
my passion. Can I nurture that flame? The flame that consumes the
self?
On 6-Jan-06, at 6:06 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
Nothing to add and don't feel like adding anything this morning.
On 4-Jan-06, at 10:39 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
Stupid computer scaring me out of my wits again by refusing to switch
on-line. Reducing me to my lowly ignorant state of nitwittery.
Lessons
in humility. I should be grateful, and I am. From that lowly state,
everything
else becomes a miracle. I finally learned to read newspapers on-line,
though it's not certain that I really learned it. But anyway I found
a new way
of wandering about in strange regions. I think I'm well suited to
this digital
age even though I'm a technical dunce. But I'm a quick detector of
quality,
or rather a quick detector of garbage. All the years I've spent here
seem to
have honed my skill in reading between the lines. Improved my
judgment
of text, my discrimination of pretense from honesty, self-flattery
from real
questioning, theory from observation. It has taught me to read the
body
language of language. The trickery of pretense, the stridency of
projection,
the brazenness of the bald lie. To see through the mask, the
disguise, the
self-deception. But I don't have that passion k talks about. And
without that
passion, reality is mere theory. To nurture such passion, there must
be
silence, there must be order, there must be uncluttered space, there
must
reason (Spinoza's reason). (k's intelligence). Give time time to
slow down.
In age they say time moves faster. I must arrest time, slow it down.
Stand
still. Then maybe I can hear the grass grow and feel thought
stirring as it
moves.
On 3-Jan-06, at 6:34 AM, Hermann Janzen wrote:
Because my daily interests look no further than survival. This
dismal
situation is likely to deteriorate further with age. The aches and
pains
of the body and the anxious worries about my relationships take up
all the space in my soul. Where is there space for love? Where
should
passion reside? And yet all the faculties are still there. If I
create the
space for love, passion will yet come into bloom. But I'm enmeshed
in
the trivial, drowning in the seaweeds of my egotism. I'm steering a
course that keeps me safely moored in these shallows. Depending on
others. Never risking the open seas. I've always been like that.
Handicapped from the start. Crippled by my upbringing. Damaged in
heart and soul. It should have given me an edge. I've always known
about the ill fit of the self. My searches led me to k early enough
to
still make a difference. And it did make a difference, but such a
puny
matter. I never took the enemy by the throat. But there is still
time. Till
the moment I croak. For surely I will croak some time. And then I
will
be all alone. Still time to challenge the monster. But only if I
live within
my self. If I stop wasting my time in expecting assistance from
outside.
Stay within in silence and look and listen and don't interfere with
things.
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