Enjoy
s. figuers
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the
"in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit
more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been
heard or reported:
1. >From a Southwest Airlines "There may be 50 ways to leave
your lover, but there are only 6 ways out of this airplane..."
Two at the front, two over the wing and two at the rear.
2. Pilot -- "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now,
so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to
move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we
land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it
affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing:
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.
We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed
taking you for a ride."
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker:"Whoa, big
fella. WHOA"
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because,
after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee....
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY.
To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if
you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out
in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop
screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you
have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small
children, decide now which one you love more."
7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more
than Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the
event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our
compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of
your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or
spouses."
10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased
to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...
Unfortunately none of them are on this flight..."
12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final
approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an
extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and
announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please
remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate."
13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door
while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for
flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing,
he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had
gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sonny, mind if I as you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am,"
said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
land or were we shot down?"
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight
Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in
your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the
aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the
tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll
open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to
the terminal."
16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the
next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the
skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us
here at US Airways."
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