Tathom: The Patriarch is coming! Lumber crew, I have a special
assignment for you!
Lumber crew: Yes, sir! Whatever you need, we're strong enough to handle it!
Tathom: Good, I want you to take these tiny paintbrushes and
whitewash the town!
Lumber crew: Oh! ... Um.
----
Raven: The Patriarch is coming! Acolytes, I want you to do something for me.
Acolytes: Yes, ma'am! We may not be strong, but we are many, and if
there's any task that's both menial and requires us to spread out
throughout the town, we can do it!
Raven: Oh, no, nothing like that. You're all going to sit in the
temple while Merai and I handle Lothanasi complaints!
Acolytes: Ah! ... Hmm.
----
Thomas: Is everything ready for the Patriarch? What if I say
something wrong? What if he hates me?
Malisa: I'm your daughter. I've only been Prime Minister for a
couple months. This is my first time meeting a foreign dignitary as
Prime Minister. Shouldn't I be the one who's nervous? Shouldn't you
be advising me?
Thomas: I just want him to be my friend.
Malisa: I'm not gonna be in this story much, am I?
----
Kashin: Hello, you must be one of Metamor's elite scouts. Sorry for
sneaking up on you like that, but the Patriarch would like you to
ride with him on his way to Metamor. Also, I believe this is your
weapon, which you dropped from staring at me in disbelief. (hair flick)
Finbar: Truly, the Patriarch is the greatest man ever!
----
Thomas: Your Eminence, I know you wished your visit to be in secret.
Please don't hate me for word getting out.
Patriarch: It is no matter, and please call me Akabaieth. Though I
must maintain the appearance of nobility, in private I wish to be
addressed like a commoner.
Thomas: Why, I also wish us nobles could address each other as
commoners! You are a kindred spirit!
Patriarch: I am just a humble man who dreams of world peace. And I
have done so by traveling in secret to the far north, revealing to
no one I have come.
Vinsah: I think the Patriarch's plan is stupid, but I trust him
completely with my life.
Patriarch: So please, tell me more about your magic.
Vinsah: (pales)
----
Albert: I will spend the rest of this story thinking of taking the
Duke and riding him.
Yacoub: (blushes)
Andre & Saulius: Hello, we are the only two named knights in
Metamor, one of whom is from the steppes.
Albert & Yacoub: Hello, we are the only two named knights of the
Patriarch, one of whom is from the steppes.
Andre & Saulius & Albert & Yacoub: We have so much in common, let's
be friends!
----
Patriarch: So tell me, how was your chapel built?
Hough: Oh, it wasn't built. The Keep's demi-god Kyia created it out
of nothing, after she'd been asked to by my friend the ancient robot
fox, who was found and rebuilt by an axe-wielding commando clockmaker.
Patriarch: Truly the wonders of Metamor Keep are beyond all ability
to understand.
----
Wessex: I thought I saw Zagrosek in these woods! Rupert, give me
that lethal magic-detecting powder you carry at all times!
Phil: Wasn't there a story where you had a pair of magical
spectacles to see magic?
Wessex: Sorry, my author ignores it. Aha! These leaves have magic!
Phil, you must swear not to tell Thomas, or he will foolishly send
scouts to their deaths looking for Zagrosek!
Phil: Given that I command the scouts, and the Duke is one of my
closest friends who has given me wise counsel and kept my many
secrets before, I will gladly tell him nothing for you.
----
Patriarch: I used to be a Whalish atheist like you, Phil. I only got
into religion to spite my father, who destroyed my childhood dream
to join the navy. And for some reason, the Council of Bishops
distrusts me. Hello, servant Kimberly. It is a pleasure to make your
acquaintance.
Thomas: Why, no other noble aside from me and Phil has ever
addressed a commoner as if they were a person! Truly you are the
greatest man ever!
Patriarch: I am but a humble noble who wants to eliminate social
classes. It is you and Phil who are the greatest nobles ever.
Thomas: Tell me more about these Yeshuel. They serve you from birth?
Patriarch: Oh, not quite. I monitor everyone's sex lives, and bless
every 1000th conception ever made. The children may choose not to
accept my blessing, but those that do get special Yeshuel powers.
Strangely, the only ones who survive to birth are all boys. I
suppose if a girl did survive, our entire theology would have to be
rewritten, ho hum.
Kashin: Mmmmm, delicious eggs! Did you know that some of the female
animal morphs here lay eggs, and then the males fertilize them by
jerking off on them?
Vinsah: (turns beet-red)
----
Kashin: Are you a Sondecki?
Charles: Grrr, how did you discover my secret? I hate you.
Kashin: I am a Yeshuel, and I have my own secrets. It is an honor to
be in the presence of a Sondecki, whose name means justice.
Charles: I instantly trust you now. Let's go for a walk.
----
Murikeer: I must hide in the shadows, for no human could show me
anything but fear or hatred.
Patriarch: What a poor creature, Vinsah. Let's stay and talk with him.
Vinsah: (holds breath)
Patriarch: Please, tell me more about your magic.
Vinsah: (sweats profusely)
Patriarch: Do you think I could learn magic?
Vinsah: (turns purple)
Murikeer: You have shown me that not all Ecclesian priests hate
magic. Please accept this sculpture I have made of you, out of magic.
Patriarch: Thank you, Murikeer. I will be sure to take it out often
in front of Vinsah.
Vinsah: (eyes bulge)
----
Charles: And this is the Long House, home of the Long Scouts.
They're supposed to be a secret, but I'm sure they won't care.
Kashin: What's behind that door over there?
Charles: That's a secret. How dare you intrude upon other people's secrets.
Kashin: Let's fight.
Charles: How did you defeat my all-powerful Sondeck with only a V motion?
Kashin: That's a secret.
----
Raven: Our churches are both corrupt. Enemies hide among us. War is
coming, as the prophecies have foretold.
Patriarch: I will nonetheless openly tell everyone my dreams of world peace.
----
Yacoub: Andre, do you think I could... touch your hand?
Andre: Of course, but don't take too long, or people might think
we're gay! Ha ha!
Yacoub: (blushes)
Albert: There's something evil in the woods!
Yacoub: (stares longingly at Andre)
Andre: Welp, not our problem. Let's tell the patrol master, so he
can send someone out tomorrow.
----
Murikeer: Elvmere, you must leave the Patriarch, and embrace magic!
Vinsah: No! I hate magic, and love the Patriarch!
Younger Patriarch: Ha ha! I hate magic, and love killing Lothanasi!
Vinsah: That is not what I said at all.
Raven: Elvmere, you must wear this mask, or you are as evil as your
Patriarch was!
Vinsah: Get this mask off me, and stop calling me Elvmere!
Dream Woman: Elvmere, Elvmere, Elvmere. If you leave Metamor, a man
in black will try to kill you!
Vinsah: AHHH! Oh, thank Eli, it was just a dream.
Serpent: Hello, stranger. Want a mask?
Vinsah: AAAAHHHHHHH!!
Kashin: Blast, whoever scared Vinsah has disappeared down a dark
hallway, my one weakness. (hair flick)
----
Charles: There's nothing in these woods.
Finbar: I am scared for no reason.
Charles: Welp, let's go back and say we found nothing.
----
Jessica: Master, we are heading to the Patriarch's speech, where he
will outline his vision for world peace. Will you come?
Wessex: Tell me later. I have just discovered proof that our enemy
Zagrosek was hiding in the woods, and rather than tell anyone, I
must spend tonight and tomorrow casting a spell to determine what
evil scheme he could be planning.
----
Murikeer: Misha, the Patriarch's speech was so inspiring, I wish to
join the scouts who will watch him tonight.
Misha: Actually, you and Charles will be an hour north of him,
watching the road. It has been acting suspiciously road-like.
----
Thomas: Farewell, Patriarch! Truly, none but Eli could have written
a speech as wonderful as yours was!
Vinsah: Patriarch, I have this uneasy feeling that I should stay at Metamor.
Patriarch: I had a dream last night that a mysterious woman wanted
you to stay at Metamor. Also, you were wearing a mask.
Vinsah: These signs reek of magic. I'd better ignore them.
----
Wessex: Thomas! Zagrosek is here, and he's going to murder the
Patriarch! I must cast a spell to contact the scouts, rather than
the Patriarch or his bodyguards directly!
Thomas: Oh, what a fool I was to let him leave without protection!
Phil: Oh, what a fool I was to say nothing!
Thomas: Will we become less foolish if we run in circles for a bit?
Phil: Can't hurt to try.
----
Agathe: What a fool you are to come alone, little wizard.
Wessex: You can't kill me, you and Zagrosek need me for your evil plan!
Agathe: You are completely right, but I won't tell you that. Men suck.
----
Kashin: A Sondecki? What are you doing out here in a rainstorm?
Zagrosek: I am here to kill the Patriarch.
Iosef: Fear not, Kashin. I also know the secret to attacking Sondeckis!
Zagrosek: (kills with non-Sondecki death ray)
Kashin: My arm! (faints with a hair flick)
----
Yeshuel: Your Eminence! A magic assassin is in the camp! We must
flee to Metamor!
Patriarch: We? No no no, I will flee to Metamor alone. The rest of
you will charge uselessly at him, to buy me time to escape.
Yeshuel: Your Eminence, it is good that I am so loyal, or I might
question your orders. You should at least take the fastest horse we have.
Patriarch: Horse? Heavens, no! The knights need those horses, so
they can also charge uselessly at him. I will be running away on foot.
Yeshuel: On foot? In the middle of the night, through the woods,
during a rainstorm, at your age, completely alone, for 20 miles with
a magic assassin at your back?
Patriarch: Look, if I'm gonna be a martyr, I at least want it to
look pathetic.
----
Dream Woman: Elvmere! The man in black is here! Use your dinner
plate to save yourself!
Vinsah: A flimsy piece of metal, to stop an assassin? Eh, it's a
better idea than an old man like me running alone in the woods in a
rainstorm at night.
Zagrosek: Grrr, even though I must conserve my Sondeck, I will use
it to crush the chests of these non-combatant priests, rather than
slitting their throats.
----
Knights: Charge!
Zagrosek: (slams his sword into a horse's legs with Sondecki force)
Knights: Charge!
Zagrosek: (throws Sondecki forcefield at knights)
Knights: Charge!
Zagrosek: (hurls knight across the camp with Sondecki strength)
Knights: Charge!
Zagrosek: (sidesteps and stabs a knight in the ribs and then stabs
the horse with Sondecki dexterity)
Yeshuel: Charge!
Zagrosek: (stabs a Yeshuel and decapitates the other with Sondecki
sleight-of-hand)
Albert: Do we have, like, a plan that doesn't involve charging?
Footmen: Charge!
Zagrosek: Whew, that was tough, but I managed to use the last of my
Sondeck killing everyone.
Albert: Not me!
Agathe: Zagrosek, you pompous self-centered pig! Stop wasting time
and kill the Patriarch!
Albert: Ack!
Zagrosek: The Patriarch's gone! If only there were a way to track
him, like if the ground were muddy or something!
Agathe: You're lucky I know the Deus Ex Machina rune, you
irresponsible hyper-masculine baboon.
Zagrosek: Excellent! I will chase him down using my Sondecki speed!
Patriarch: My men may not have been ready to die, but I am. But
before I die, tell me, why would a Sondecki like you assassinate
someone like me?
Zagrosek: That's a secret.
Agathe: Zagrosek, you incompetent milk-blooded fencepost! There's a
man here you forgot to kill! Now kill him because I'm lazy!
Zagrosek: Wait, this is the man whose mind we read with my Sondecki
mind-reading! Since he had an evil thought, let's kidnap him, with
my Sondecki strength, and make him commit the act himself!
Agathe: I thought you ran out of Sondeck.
Zagrosek: Silly woman, everyone knows "Sondeck" is Southlandese for
"plot powers".
Agathe: Let's just get to the shadow realm, you insipid turd of a
rock pigeon. Men suck. I'm suddenly horny, let's have sex!
----
Thomas: This is all my fault, I should have sent more guards.
Phil: This is all my fault. I should have trusted you with my secrets.
Wessex: This is all Charles's fault! He and Zagrosek are
collaborating with Nasoj! I have no proof, but you must believe me,
and tell him nothing!
Raven: Did something happen to the Patriarch?
Wessex: How did you know?!
Raven: Many intense prayer sessions, and also the fact that you and
the knights were running around everywhere.
Charles: Your grace. Terrible news, the Patriarch...
Raven: ... has died. I take it you found survivors, and they're up
with the healer? Otherwise, a loyal Patildor like yourself wouldn't
have left the scene of the crime.
Thomas: What an incredibly competent mind you have. If only we'd
consulted you sooner.
Wessex: (grumble grumble)
Kashin: I have failed to protect the Patriarch. All I have is the
dagger that killed him, of Sathmoran design.
Raven: Good thing none of us are crazy enough to go wave it around
and claim that this is Sathmore's fault.
Wessex: Kashin, I need that dagger for another augury spell. Gimme gimme.
Kashin: No, I am bound by my Yeshuel oaths to carry this with me to
Sathmore, and tell everyone that I have sworn revenge on the man who
killed the Patriarch.
Raven: Ah, shoot.
Wessex: Hey, I'm just glad I'm not the only self-interested
detective around here.
----
Angernil: Thank you for the information, Raven. Too bad Akabaieth is
dead, he could have brought peace between the faiths once and for all.
Raven: And now corruption remains everywhere, our own council acts
against us, and war approaches.
Angernil. Yep. This meeting of the Ineffectual Members of the
Lightbringer Council is now adjourned.
----
Dream Woman: Welcome home, Elvmere. Now accept Murikeer's gift and
embrace magic.
Vinsah: But why? Why did you care so much that I stay at Metamor,
and left the rest of my friends to die?
Dream Woman: We all ask that question, but sometimes, we must accept
it as the will of the creator.
Vinsah: So you have no idea either.
Coe: Ah, you are awake! Guess what, you are turning into a raccoon,
like me! With a mask and everything!
Vinsah: Could you make sure no one else enters? All this blatant
irony is making me sick.
----
Andre: I am so sorry, Yacoub, for the loss of Albert. And our
beloved Patriarch, too, I guess. But we did find his horse and yours!
Andre & Saulius & Yacoub: Hurray!
----
Andares: Greetings, friend. I am an Aelf, and my master told me to
find you. He says this was not just an assassination, but a
conspiracy. Follow me if you wish to hunt these conspirators who
murdered the Patriarch.
Kashin: This sounds like a plot hook. How many are we at, right now?
----
(Postscript: I finished reading Liturgy of Blood a couple months
ago, and I found I had very mixed feelings about it. Everything that
ISN'T written above (and some stuff that is), I enjoyed quite a bit,
but... there's a few things that stuck out, so I had to write this.
Apologies to MattRat for this :)
If you didn't get the subject reference, this was inspired by ISAM's
legendary Wheel of Time summaries.)
---
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