DMB said:
...Maybe I'm expecting too much but I do not complain to announce the end of
the discussion but as an effort to get it back on track. It's like a salvage
operation. While it's certainly true that "people don't like being accused of
dishonesty", that truth is a function of the fact that people don't like
dishonesty first. If I lie to you and you accuse me of dishonesty, does it
really matter that I don't like the accusation? Aren't you the offended party?
Matt replied:
I'm genuinely conflicted on this point, about what is the best
conversation-inducing strategy to express the fact that one thinks the other
person has stepped over a line. When I imagine an actual social situation
expressed by "maybe I'm expecting too much," a social situation in which people
behave the way you're envisioning, the only way that makes sense is a lot of
blood-boiling. ...an emotional head-ringer. Why'd the correction have to take
the form of dishonesty-assertion? ...Perhaps we have differing underlying views
of social psychology and strategy (which is something I think we've known about
each other for a while). ...I don't know. Like I said, perhaps we have two
different views about social psychology and the maintenance of an ethical
social sphere. I think we largely agree on what the virtues look like, just
perhaps not on the best way to get them from others.
dmb says:
Well, maybe the best strategy would involve a sensitivity to the precise
boiling-point of the other guy's blood. I get that point. But I think it shifts
too much of the burden to the accuser, to the one who thinks he's been wronged.
It really comes down to whether the accusation has merit or not. If the
complaint is valid, then the perpetrator is responsible for the emotional
discomfort that comes from being accused. (In my experience, accusations boil
the blood only to the extent that they're true - so much so that wild,
implausible accusations will only amuse the accused.) Anyway, like I said, the
decent thing to do when making such a charge is to be very specific and
explicit or otherwise show the foundation of the accusation. Then the accused
doesn't have to wonder where the accuser got the idea and unfounded accusations
would be very hard to press.
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