And now:Ish <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
>Forwarded Message:
>Subj: Politically Correct Holiday Wishes
>
>Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for
>an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,
>non - addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice
>holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious
>persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with
>respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of
>others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions
>at all.
>
>A N D
>
>A fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated
>recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 1999,
>but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures
>whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to
>imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is
>the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the
>race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual
>preference of the wishee.
>
>(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This
>greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely
>transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no
>promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for
>her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is
>revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.
>
>This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual
>application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the
>issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and
>warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish
>at the sole discretion of the wisher.)
>
++++++++
The X-mas Files
> -------------------------
>
>We're too late! It's already been here.
>
>Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing.
>
>Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated,
>mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of
>holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.
>
>You really think someone's been here?
>
>Someone or some THING.
>
>Mulder, over here - it's a fruitcake.
>
>Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.
>
>It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty
>and nice."
>
>It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.
>
>Who? What are you talking about?
>
>Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could
>travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants.
>Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to
>descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish
>disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.
>
>But that's legend, Mulder -- a story told by parents to frighten
>children. Surely you don't believe it?
>
>Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on
>this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of
>cookies was massive -- and in a hurry.
>
>It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has
>been completely drained.
>
>It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.
>
>But why would they leave it milk and cookies?
>
>Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its
>wilding.
>
>But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and
>windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry.
>
>Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.
>
>Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some huge creature
>landed on the roof and came down this chimney, you're crazy.
>The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get down there.
>
>But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once?
>
>You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?
>
>Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a
>child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white
>strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated
>torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned
>away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the
>facial features of my father.
>
>Impossible.
>
>I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me
>a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. IT KNEW THAT I WANTED A MR.
>POTATO HEAD!
>
>I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of
>physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who
>soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys.
>Listen to what you're saying. Do you understand the
>repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files.
>
>Scully, listen to me: It knows when you're sleeping. It knows
>when you're awake.
>
>But we have no proof.
>
>Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected
>bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White
>House ordered a Condition Red.
>
>But that was a meteor shower.
>
>Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer
>vanished from the National Zoo, in Washington, D.C. Nobody -
>not even the zookeeper - was told about it. The government
>doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear
>that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop spending half
>its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will
>collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature
>lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to
>insure another silent night.
>
>-Mulder, I --
>
>-Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear?
>
>-On the roof. It sounds like . . . a clatter.
>
>-Let's see what's the matter. The truth is up there...
++++++++
Have a Stealth Christmas
>>
>>
>> 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skys,
>> Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes.
>> Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,
>> As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.
>>
>> Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,
>> Was triply-redundant linked to the Blue Cube,
>> And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense,
>> That nothing that flew could slip through our defense.
>>
>> When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter
>> I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter;
>> I dialed up the gain and then quick as a flash
>> Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.
>>
>> And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded:
>> An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.
>> "Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,
>> As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE"!
>>
>> On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk!
>> And scramble our fighters -- let's send the whole flock!
>> Launch decoys and missiles! Use chaff by the yard!
>> Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!
>>
>> They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged.
>> Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,
>> And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,
>> As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.
>>
>> So we sent out some recon to look for debris,
>> Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea
>> Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,
>> Broken sleighbells, white hair, and a deer's parachute.
>>
>> Now it isn't quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.
>> There are unhappy kids in each village and town.
>> For the Spirit of Christmas can't hope to evade
>> All the web of defenses we've carefully made.
>>
>> Just look how the gadgets we use to protect us
>> In other ways alter, transform, and affect us.
>> They keep us from things that make life more worth living,
>> Like love for each other, and thoughts of just giving.
>>
>> But a crash program's on: Working hard, night and day,
>> All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.
>> So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,
>> For the future has hope: Santa's coming by stealth!
+++++++++
Gordon Thompson replies:
May I bring you this word of cheer. After many years of
failure at my task, at 5:01 SET, I finally got him. No more
xmas bull crap.
After almost freezing and passing out, I finally heard a
tiny set of hoof clicks on the far side of the roof.
Peeking through the New "Starlight" scope, sure enough, a
whole herd of nine of them.
Knowing they take off at the slightest sound, I eased the
pin out of two grenades, and counted to five, threw them
over and poof, Xmas dinner, for five hundred, and no more
transportation for that Red Hatted porker. I got him now.
He's mine, and he's on foot.
With the trace of snow we have, as soon as it is light
enough to track, I've got him. As bad as the Limies used to
be, Red suit in Winter. Perfect target against Snow or
Trees, and those stupid boots all ashes and soot, should
leave really easy prints.
Don't worry, no more crap next year, even if he gives me
the slip, for he's walking, and probably dragging that
silly sack. Humbug!
++++++
Khwe Gordon,
Am much relieved to hear this. When you are arrested, where should we send
the sympathy cards? uh, I mean bail money, eh, empathy cards..uh..you get
the idea..<G>
Ish
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