**
This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall
Police Force from an angry member of the public
A true email sent to the force, lengthy but
brilliantly written.....
--------------
Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering
service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for
someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I
have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you
instead.
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this
message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke
signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven
failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths)
in St Mary's Crescent , which is just off St Mary's
Road in Bodmin.
Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which
involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the
force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG!
which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am
unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it
will end any time soon.
The remaining five failed-abortions are happily
rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of
furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the
wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting
about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.
I fear that it's only a matter of time before
they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle
that is lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own
arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I
would even go so far as to lend them the matches.
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up
half the street with them and I've just finished
decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this - after replying to this
e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being
looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until
the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there
are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda
car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again.
This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us
what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull
of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same
courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming
to arrest me.
I remain your obedient servant
???????
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr ??????,
I have read your e-mail and understand your
frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the
area and the problems you have encountered in trying to
contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I
would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully
with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please
provide contact details (address / telephone number) and
when may be suitable.
Regards
PC ???????
Community Beat Officer
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear PC ???????
First of all I would like to thank you for the
speedy response to my original e-mail.
16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record
for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will
forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in
his next Guinness book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street
has its own Community Beat Officer.
May I be the first to congratulate you on your
covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St
Mary's Crescent, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a
tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the
gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache
on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand
basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are
head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious
crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public
place or being Christian without due care and attention, is
it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words
of no more than two syllables at a time) to these tw * ts that
they might want to play their strange football game
elsewhere.
The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory
Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of
the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option
especially if the tide is in.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further
you should feel free to contact me on <???????>. If
after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy
you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
Regards
?????????
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think
yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage
department with whom I am also in contact !!!
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