Ooops Andrew.... Mind the Moderators (....that word triggers another association....."Dominees") of this Group don't get you for frootling around on this site. I loved the email.
Here's to a safe, contented and fruitful 2010 Everyone..... Especially to all those in the SAPS and Vetus Schola who go all out to assist us.... On Dec 30, 7:28 pm, Andrew Fife <[email protected]> wrote: > ** > > This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall > Police Force from an angry member of the public > A true email sent to the force, lengthy but > brilliantly written..... > > -------------- > Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering > service, > Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for > someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I > have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you > instead. > > Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this > message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke > signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board. > > As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven > failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) > in St Mary's Crescent , which is just off St Mary's > Road in Bodmin. > > Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which > involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the > force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! > which rings throughout the entire building. > This game is now in its third week and as I am > unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it > will end any time soon. > > The remaining five failed-abortions are happily > rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of > furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the > wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting > about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills. > > I fear that it's only a matter of time before > they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle > that is lying on its side between the two bins. > If they could be relied on to only blow their own > arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I > would even go so far as to lend them the matches. > > Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up > half the street with them and I've just finished > decorating the kitchen. > > What I suggest is this - after replying to this > e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being > looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until > the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there > are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda > car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. > This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us > what policemen actually look like. > > I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull > of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same > courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming > to arrest me. > > I remain your obedient servant > ??????? > > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Mr ??????, > > I have read your e-mail and understand your > frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the > area and the problems you have encountered in trying to > contact the police. > > As the Community Beat Officer for your street I > would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully > with you. > > Should you wish to discuss the matter, please > provide contact details (address / telephone number) and > when may be suitable. > > Regards > PC ??????? > Community Beat Officer > > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Dear PC ??????? > First of all I would like to thank you for the > speedy response to my original e-mail. > > 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record > for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will > forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in > his next Guinness book. > > Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street > has its own Community Beat Officer. > > May I be the first to congratulate you on your > covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St > Mary's Crescent, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a > tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the > gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache > on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand > basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are > head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama. > > Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious > crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public > place or being Christian without due care and attention, is > it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words > of no more than two syllables at a time) to these tw * ts that > they might want to play their strange football game > elsewhere. > > The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory > Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of > the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option > especially if the tide is in. > > Should you wish to discuss these matters further > you should feel free to contact me on <???????>. If > after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy > you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub. > > Regards > ????????? > > P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think > yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage > department with whom I am also in contact !!! -- You received this message because you are subscribed to the Google Groups "The Observatory Neighbourhood watch" group. To post to this group, send email to [email protected] To unsubscribe from this group, send email to [email protected] For more options, visit this group at http://groups.google.com/group/obsnw?hl=en
