(I sent this first just to Birgitt, but decided to revise it a bit and
send it to the full list.)
That's a good story, Birgitt! Thanks.
I was reminded of sitting in a talking circle on the Navajo reservation
in the mid-80s. We spent a long full day and evening there, with very
patient listening to all, much of it in Navajo, so I couldn't
understand the words, but loved the sounds. Our children were drawn
into service helping to build a shade house, while younger children
played, some people cooked, some took naps.... It was a really good day
for me, a sunny June day, and I remember it well. I felt close, and in
community - but no hand holding or "instant warm fuzzies" happened.
There was a lot of dignity, along with great openness and deep caring
about the One, the All, the Whole.
As a member of the 60s revolutions, I experienced a fair amount of
experimenting with being free of restrictions, hugging a lot, communal
living, etc. I also was part of the homebirthing movement of the
60s/70s (our three kids were born at home, as were our 3 grandkids),
and one of the books we read back then was "Touching" by Ashley
Montague, an anthropologist. The touching of birthing, helping each
other birth, nursing babies -- that was profoundly satisfying. I think
the author talked about that satisfaction, and that our hospital,
mechanized birthing ways had given many of us skin-hunger, because we
had low-touch births, bottle feeding, etc. (It's been 20-30 years since
I read the book, so maybe I'm making up those points, but I think that
was the message.)
Today I've been reading The Careless Society by John McKnight. He talks
about the destructive professionalizing what used to be based on
family, neighborhood, community. I think that lacking those, where
touch is natural (where we know people well, and touch is part of
working and playing together), we may program touching into "peace"
events with strangers, because we want the closeness of community, and
there aren't many places to experience it..... but then those
gatherings may create energy that is happily expressed in hugging. (OK,
someone has to say it -- "different strokes for different folks!")
My favorite kind of touch these days, in addition to daily touch of all
sorts with my husband, is holding my grandkids in my lap to read them
stories. One of them rubs my arm very gently while I read to him (he's
6), because he loves the feel of soft skin. Little chubby child hands,
trusting grandma! Such a pleasure!
I sometimes enjoy little touches with people I don't know well -- I
like the way Persian women touch cheeks on both sides, rather than body
hugging -- and I'm rarely offended by a hug, even if not meaning much.
But I like that memory of the Navajos, so close all day, great deep
feeling intimacy of spirit, but no hugs.
Diane
On Mar 4, 2006, at 12:20 PM, Birgitt Williams wrote:
From my perspective, this topic of touching cannot be looked at from
the perspective of the facilitator’s needs, wants and motivation(s)
for outcome in a meeting. I encourage facilitators to look at their
needs, wants, and motivations for a meeting so that they each can
figure out for themselves whether these needs, wants, and motivations
might actually be what closes the space for participants (some or
all).
Years ago I was taught a big lesson. I facilitated an OST for about
300 people, all of whom were on medications, all of whom had bipolar
disorder or schizophrenia. And all of whom were leaders in their
communities and incredible people. The side effects of the medications
and of their illnesses had an effect on all that happened in the 3 day
event. They found a way of working around it all to achieve what they
wanted to achieve. They were remarkable. I was deeply moved. At the
closing, I did something that I had learned from Harrison. After the
microphone had gone around the circle for comments, I had everyone
stand up and hold hands as the start of a closing to the event. We
then did a the exercise of paying attention to the energy inside of
the circle of us, and then turning 180 degrees to feel that energy at
our backs as we went out into the world. When it was all done, a woman
came up to me and in a rage said “Do not ever do that to another human
being again. I had had a wonderful time here until you asked us to
touch. And then it was destroyed for me. I cannot touch another
person. It is my story and it has roots in my childhood and in my
illness. By asking us to hold hands, I had a choice...to be part of
what the group was doing and feeling violated by it, or not
participating and feeling awful about that....neither option was okay
for me. YOU (and she shouted) have NO IDEA of what anyone’s personal
story is so you should never do this to a group again...to ask them to
hold hands. You just don’t know what is going on for someone and by
asking me to hold hands, you invaded my space.”
And since then, I have never asked people to touch.
Birgitt
-----Original Message-----
From: OSLIST [mailto:[email protected]] On Behalf Of Jack
Ricchiuto
Sent: Saturday, March 04, 2006 12:03 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: A Quiet Time
Thanks for the reflections on touching. For me, it’s part of a larger
conversation on quality of contact. It starts with presence to the
emotional experience of others — am I present to that? It continues
with eye contact, which for some people can be as connecting or
intrusive as touch and hugs. So, for me a question is, How do we touch
each other with eyes, words, hands in a way that opens the space?
Jack
__.__.__.__.__.__.__.__.__.__.__.__.__.__.__.__.__.__
jack ricchiuto
two.one.six/three.seven.three/seven.four.seven.five
www.designinglife.com / www.appreciativeleadership.com
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