Hi all,
Just wanted to share these memories with your all. This story was
contributed for the next Birthrites magazine, and I feel so honoured to be
including it. I hope posting it will help those on the List understand the
emotional impact that caesarean birth can have on a woman, and her child.
Take care,
BB Jackie Mawson.
==============================
It is July 18, twenty-two years since my son was born, and the pain is
still there.
Twenty-two years, and the tears still flow. Today my second child, my
first son, has completed 22 years of his life.
It was going to be a hot day, I thought, as I lifted myself from the
bed. My body was swelled from the full term baby that was in my womb.
Other than having an appointment with my doctor that morning, it seemed
like it would be an uneventful day. I dressed myself and my 17 month old
baby girl. We shared a breakfast, I began some laundry, and washed the
dishes before we started out for our walk to the doctor's office.
I was looking forward to this birth. I remembered how absolutely
wonderful it felt when I pushed my new born daughter out of my womb. It
was the most exhilarating thing I had ever experienced in my entire life.
I looked forward with anticipation to birthing this baby. And I was
longing to hold my second baby and offer him nourishment from my own
body.
Little did I know what was in store for me that day.
As the doctor palpated the baby, I could see a look of concern on his
face. He was an older doctor. I wondered how many grandchildren were
blessed with this gentle, kind man as their grandfather. I went into his
office after the exam and seated myself. His next words were enough to
knock me on the floor. "Kathy, your baby has been breech for some time.
I was hoping the baby would turn on its own. Since it hasn't, and you
are so close to delivering, I'd like you to come this afternoon to the
hospital so that we can do a Cesarean section. Your pelvis is
borderline, and I think the baby should be born surgically." "No," I
said. "I can't. I'm not ready for that." "OK," he said, "We'll
schedule for 2 days from now. You can either have general anesthesia or
a spinal. Which would you prefer?" "I want to be awake for my baby's
birth," I whispered.
>From then on, I was in complete shock. I was stunned. The rest of the
day is a blur to me. I went home and sobbed. I cried all day, I think.
I started feeling crampy and began feeling contractions. I hardly paid
attention. I was so very sad. Soon the contractions got harder, so that
my mind finally began to pay attention to them. I called my husband's
work to have them call him at the job he was on, and my mother-in- law to
pick up my daughter. My husband's cousin drove me to the hospital
because for some reason, they had a hard time reaching my husband. I
felt so alone, so isolated, so afraid. The tears kept coming.
They began to prep me for surgery. The woman prepping me was rattling on
about her boyfriend who was still living in the Philippines. She was
going to call him tonight from the hospital, but I shouldn't tell anyone
because she would be in a lot of trouble if they found out. All I cared
about right then was trying to deal with my contractions which were
getting more intense and closer. Where is my husband? Please, Lord,
make the baby come out right here before they get me to surgery.
The woman is wheeling my bed through the gray, cold, sterile hallways to
the elevator. She bumps into a wall, I am contracting. Oh, what pain!
Over the threshold--more bumping, more pain. I catch a glimpse of my
husband. The tears flow again as the distance between him and me
increases. I wave goodbye as the elevator door closes.
I am now in the cold operating room. Everyone has the same uniform on,
the same masks on their faces. I recognize my doctor. I sit up so they
can administer the spinal. The needle hurts as it goes in, and next I
feel a sharp pain going down my right leg, almost like an electrical
shock, but oh, my leg hurts! Another needle injected. I'm so cold.
I lie down again. I am shaking. I can't stop. Someone, please hold my
hand. Someone, please, I am afraid! And I can't stop shaking. Please,
someone hold my hand? Where is my husband?
My arms are outstretched. They are tied down. Lord, this reminds me of
how they crucified your only Son. Thank you for your presence. You are
my Shepherd, and you promised to be with my as I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death. I can feel your presence, and I can sense your
sadness blended with mine, and I am comforted. You never intended for my
baby or anyone else's to be born this way, did you?
They tell me I have a baby boy. They are holding up a baby all wrapped
up in a blanket about 15 feet away from me. They begin to leave the room
with him. Please, let me see him again. They hold him up again, and
then walk out the door. I'm still shaking. Where is my baby?
For 5 days I can not get up from lying on my back. If I do, the pain in
my head, neck and every muscle in my body is so very intense! My muscles
lock up and are as hard as a rock. I can not move because it hurts so
badly. I can not hold my baby. They place him on top of me. I try to
maneuver him so I can nurse him while lying flat on my back. I can not
see his face very well. I can't sit up and eat. In fact, I can't reach
my food. Can someone please help me eat?
Lord, thank you for the most wonderful son any mother could ever hope
for. Thank you that he and I have such a close relationship in spite of
our difficult first few weeks together. I love how he teases me and I
him. We share the same sense of humor and can exchange knowing looks and
smiles and laugh together. Lord, I love him intensely. Thank you for
blessing me with him. Thank you that he doesn't remember those days when
he was alone in the hospital nursery while I was lying in my hospital bed
and my heart was sorrowing after him. Thank you for allowing me to bless
him with fond memories of a happy childhood. But alone I will carry in
my heart the pain of those first weeks together, always. He doesn't like
to think about how he was born because he says he doesn't like that I had
to be cut open for him to be born. He doesn't like to think that his
birth hurt me. He told me with tears in his eyes that he wishes he was
born
the 'right' way and that his dad had been able to be with us when he was
born.
My tears today are for those lost weeks while I recovered
until I could finally be a mother to him. Thank you, Lord, for today.
Love, Kathy
Mother of 12 children
One vaginal hospital birth
Three Cesarean sections
followed by 8 wonderful home births
July 18, 2001
________________________________________________________________
Birthing Beautifully,
Jackie Mawson.
Convenor of Birthrites: Healing After Caesarean Inc.
Visit our Website at: http://www.birthrites.org
Email: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Phone: 61 08 9418 8949
Please note I am not a Professional Healthcare Provider, and all opinions
given in this email are not to be taken as medical, or legal, advice. Please
seek such advice from the relevant professional service.
Email me your postal details for a FREE copy of our quarterly magazine, if
you live within Australia - Overseas postage costs are above budget, sorry!
Too many Gods;
so many creeds,
Too many paths
that wind and
wind,
When just the art
of being kind
Is all the sad
world needs...
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