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Dear Sue,
I wanted to respond to say how sorry I am about the
loss of your friend. I also feel that in other hands your friend may
have been given more time - and that is your thinking, that if her mother was
there it wouldn't have happened, especially as you related the same scenario
with your brother and how technology was not 100% in his case.
The anger and distress you feel right now will
fade.
You'll carry 'if only' and 'what if' throughout
your life,
but please don't let it eat you up. Her
partner and brothers could only do what they felt they had to under guidance and
the decision could not have been easy.
Your friend will live on in her child, and there is
a very special bond between you as her mother's friend, companion in birth, and
welcomer to the earth.
May peace come to you in its time.
love,
Liz
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Sunday, October 20, 2002 7:40
PM
Subject: [ozmidwifery] Living and
dying
Hi all,
Want to share with you the extent of the 'trial' of
being a homebirth attendant.
Last week, one of the mothers whose births I
attended in March was hit by a car and life support turned off at 5
days.
I want to try to share with you the absolute grief I felt at such a
callous and medical attitude to a mother's life.
The decision to turn her
off was made by her partner (of 12 months), and her two brothers.There are
no parents, and there were no others who were mothers who were there to make
the decision.
She was my friend as well as one of my birthing mums. She
was 41 and gave birth to her first (and only) baby in water at home on a
lovely March morning. She was an animal activist, a birth activist, a
strong, passionate woman who became my friend. We were building a 'wicked
birth' website together.
I read this and realise that you probably
won't 'get' the gist of my pain and grief from my lack of ability to explain
it. I helped this woman prepare for her birth, give birth, and then I helped
through her tough post-partum period. Her baby is now 6 months old and is
permanently without her mother.
The medical told her family she was
brain dead, had no future, the machines read nothing, it was irrefutable. I
had gone through a similar scenario with my brother some years ago - only my
mother in her mother's strength said 'no' to giving up on my brother. He
woke up 3 months after his accident and his first words were ' get me out of
here'. He now lives on his own and is as good as most of our
population.
I only wanted the same for the little baby girl.
As much as we give to all the couples we help through birth, we can
also give through death. I remember reading the article "midwives for the
dying" some years ago, and now understand what it means.
I fail to
understand how clinical and disconnected and unbelieving in miracles this
world can be ... I am proud to stand outside that box.
Sue
Cookson
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