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Belinda,
The statement you made "we should judge less and support more."
is so very true.
I find that in almost all womens groups you have women comparing each
others children - how long they breast fed, how wonderful their childbirth
experience was, how smart the child is , how badly behaved so and so's
child is etc etc... It is very very competative and if you don't fit
in with the group you are with then you are outcast.
I found I was in a mothers group at our health center after George
was born and all of them had natural deliveries and all of them had
wonderful labours in spa baths and drinking wine and it was alls o
lovely. I had the delivery from hell and the abuse by a dominating
bastard obstetrician and then after 24hours abuse a c/s to top it
off. So i became the outcast member of the group. With
comments like, 'Oh remember how it felt when the head came out? - Oh
sorry, you wouldn't undertstand!" And so on. It actually made
me feel like a bad mother from the start. So I just didn't go back
after a few attempts to fit in I quit.
It is the same if all the babies have dummies and yours doesn't or
none of them do and your's does, with breastfeeding, toilet
training, bedwetting etc..
Why is there so little understanding that ALL CHILDREN ARE DIFFERENT
and there is no wrong and right and there is no hard and fast rules to
parenting. It all depends on so many variables. That is what
makes us all unique!
Like when I said that stopping night drinks can help and encouraging
more in the morning time to prevent dehydration - the comment came back,
"I'd rather he was wet than
dehydrated." - GOOD!
That is fine too as there are no rules - just
trial and error and if a child needs the drinks at night then fine.
My 3 yr old has a pop top often at night with milk and he rarely wets the
bed but often spills it (a milky wet!) I don't mind as it is not
every night and it is generally when he has had a busy day and may not
have drank enough or is really tired. But, some would say that he
should not be having milk to take to bed with him. He has a very
strong bladder and very rarely wets. My daughter born at 27 weeks
stopped wetting at night at 2yrs as she didn't want a nappy on so I
said, "Fine just don't wet the bed." She NEVER has and is now
9yrs.
Yet i wet the bed until I was 6 and my parents
got a machine which woke me up and in two weeks I never wet again.
But, I do think it did some damage to me as I REALLY REALLY HATE
alarms and sirens (it had a flashing red light on it and went off like an
allert alarm when it got wet.)
I guess they worried as my Dad wet until he was 12 and so did my
cousin.
But, hey - they stopped eventually and someone i know is about
30 yrs old and still if drunk or very tired wets the bed.
In my training as a mothercraft we did a lot on these sorts of issues
and it is all so individual - there are things you can try and possitive
encouragement and reinforcement is always worth trying but it is all trial
and error and what works for one may not work for another - I guess that
was where we learnt so many different ways to do things, you have a sort
of list of remedies and behaviour modifying techniques etc to go
through and hope that maybe one works. Most parents are not
given that list and don't do 2 yrs full time study to learn these things
so they have to stumble across what works for their child and then they
generalise that that is right! So then they expect it to be right
for all children when it may not be. Hope that makes sence.
JMHO
Rhonda.
-------Original Message-------
Date: Thursday,
February 27, 2003 02:45:18
Subject: Re:
[ozmidwifery] thumb or dummy!?
Ann I do understand the trials of lowe supply and
continual expressing etc.
However you inferred that it might ??be
better than abuse. With my second
child I had low supply and post natal
depression and I remember clearly
bying into to the whole if I were a
better mother I wouldnt use a dummy.
This child lived at my breast.
From him on I realised that my children love
sucking, my five year old
still wrecks his t shirts by chewing sucking onm
them and he was an
easy much loved baby who fed two hourly for 18months
which I loved
owing to my poor previous experience. In the big picture I
think we
should judge less and support more. what we do we do with love. I
think
dogmatic ideologies of good and bad is as bad when presented by
the
medical profession as it is by midwives or well meaning
women.
Belinda
----- Original Message -----
From: "Ann green"
<[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
To:
<[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
Sent:
Wednesday, February 26, 2003 9:53 AM
Subject: Re: [ozmidwifery] thumb
or dummy!?
> Dear Belinda,
> I was not trying to be
offensive.I was trying to say
> that if a baby was crying that it
was better to give a
> dummy than the parents becoming frustrated
and harming
> the child.This does not mean that parents
using
> dummies are lazy.I was blessed to have babies that
had
> enough suckling at the breast(or a bottle of E.B.M
>
which was needed for babes 4,5, and 6 for between 4-6
> months until
they were able to feed at the breast,a
> long hard haul for everyone
-imagine expressing milk
> for this amount of time with no idea of
when it will
> finish, sorry off the topic)Ann--- Belinda
Maier
> <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
wrote: > Ann the better than
> abuse thing is very
offensive.
> > My children have
> > breastfed for
>two years are smart loved and
> > emotionally well
developed.
> > They also had dummies apart from my two year old
who
> > sucks her thumb. They
> > all had a strong
desire to suck and the dummy gave
> > them comfort as well
as
> > the two and more hour feeding at the breastfed my
>
> children also have healthy
> > teeth. I am not slack or
abusive and it really
> > annoys me when judgements are
>
> made about dummies thumbs to use or not based on
> > what
one does for ones own.
> > Choices are choices based on what a
woman feels is
> > best for her child.
> > Michel ODent
wrote an article on transcendental
> > objects and said that
their
> > use is actually a sign of emotional stability,
>
> feeling ok enough to form
> > attachments to such things. I
used to allow myself
> > to be made to feel bad as
> > a
mother because of my eldest use of a dummy, then
> > my close
friends son died
> > of a brain tumour at two years old and her
older
> > daughter who had never used
> > a dummy
(because she bought into the whole its such
> > a bad mothering
thing to
> > do) started to use one and did so until she was
nine
> > years old. She now says
> > there are more
important things about mothering than
> > stressing about
what
> > others think you should be doing. By the way her
>
> daughters teeth are
> > fine.The whole I.Q. research needs
to be closely
> > looked at for methodology
> > and
socioeconomic status of participants, parenting
> > styles etc
for it to be
> > worth generalising. I get really fed up with
peoples
> > discourses of good
> > mother bad mother, it
brings down the confidence of
> > many a "good" mother.
>
> Belinda, mother
> > ----- Original Message -----
>
> From: "Ann green" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
>
> To: <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
>
> Sent: Monday, February 24, 2003 10:10 AM
> > Subject: Re:
[ozmidwifery] thumb or dummy!?
> >
> >
> > >
Dear List,
> > > Research was suppose to have shown that the
use of
> > > dummies was associated with a lower I.Q.I have
not
> > > used a dummy but understand that for some
parents
> > it
> > > might be a better choice than
abuse.None of my 6
> > > children have sucked thumbs
either!Ann --- Jo
> > Slamen
> > > <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
wrote: > Thumbs
> > > allegedly don't affect teeth unless
still in
> > > > use at the age of permanent teeth
coming
> > through.
> > > > My teeth are straight
(no orthodontic work) and
> > I
> > > > was a
thumb sucker - so much so that I had a
> > callous
> >
> > on my thumb as a young child - stopped when I
> > >
> started primary school.
> > > >
> > > >
My almost 4yo also a thumb child - his baby
> > teeth
>
> > > are pretty ok looking and I find his thumb use
> >
is
> > > > still useful for going to bed and getting him
to
> > > > sleep.
> > > >
> > >
> Would also imagine trying to swap baby to a
> >
dummy
> > > > probably won't work. I would relax about
the
> > thumb
> > > > - does not indicate any
emotional problems and
> > it's
> > > > likely to
be in use for comfort rather than
> > teething
> > >
> too, I believe.
> > > >
> > > > And
just to add some personal bias I think
> > thumbs
> >
> > look better than dummies too!
> > > >
>
> > > Jo Slamen
> > > > ----- Original Message
-----
> > > > From: J Stewart
> > > > To:
ozmid
> > > > Cc: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
>
> > > Sent: Monday, February 24, 2003 12:12 AM
> > >
> Subject: [ozmidwifery] thumb or dummy!?
> > >
>
> > > >
> > > > Dear List(s)!
>
> > >
> > > > Just looking for a little bit of
general
> > advice on
> > > > an old
debate!
> > > > I have a six month old baby cousin
[very
> > cute!]
> > > > she has taken to sucking
her thumb as she is
> > > > starting to get some toothy
pegs! and her mum is
> > not
> > > > in favour of
giving her a dummy. I was wondering
> > > > what opinions
are on this? I would think that
> > > > sucking thumbs
could effect tooth development
> > and
> > > > the
direction/position in which they grow, as
> > well
> >
> > as forming a hard to kick habbit in todlers, but
> >
> > have also heard interesting points against
> >
dummies.
> > > >
> > > > Any
thoughts!?
> > > >
> > > > Thanks in
advance!
> > > > Jessica.
> > > >
>
> >
> > >
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