----- Original Message -----
Sent: Wednesday, May 19, 2004 7:22
PM
Subject: Re: [ozmidwifery] more baby
stuff
I have been reading this thread with great
interest and biting at the bit to say something. I was talking to a
first time mum the other day and she said something like "I don't know how you
can have three boys and still function! Aren't you beside yourself all
the time?"...first I thought what on earth is this woman talking about
!!! I am the most stressed mother in existence....but then I stopped and
contemplated...no that is just what I think I am, but in reality I am
not.
It brought me to the memory of being in labour
with my first...about 17 hours into an op presentation labour and I had this
weird experience: I thought I was supposed to be 'losing it' like the mothers
depicted on the TV I suppose, and so went with this "I cant do it anymore!"
type role. But as clear as day I heard a voice in my head saying "yes
you can and you are doing it great!!" It is like my
parenting.
It has taken me three children to just 'allow'
myself to love my kids as the wonderful people they are, to feel good about my
parenting and to not be so hard on myself when I do get over stressed and
freak out at them (Most of the time they even deserve it!) I am glad
that I had them all close together - 7,5,3 all boys- as I have been able to
learn that it is okay to be relaxed to hug and kiss in a short period of
time.
The first time mother was getting upset
about a multiple number of issues, for eg that baby still feeds for ages and
she has to just sit down whilst there is so much that needs to be done.
I said that perhaps baby knows that you need to sit for a while and will
feed slowly to make you sit down! Instead of spending that time looking
at the pile of ironing building up in the corner, spend that time memorising
every sound, sight and touch you can of your baby's face, fingers, toes
etc. My 7 yo wont let me hug him anymore unless it is at night or on his
terms....perhaps he got used to not getting hugs...?
Why cant we nurture our mums to feel good about
loving their children, instead of enforcing the need to control them ???
It takes a great deal of strength and self worth to say no, I am not happy
with that suggestion - usually by an 'expert'. I only half jokingly call
the CYH the Gestapo.... I remember ringing some poor sod one day when
the kids were driving me to insanity and back, and said to the phone person
that I was not allowed to yell at the kids so she was going to cop it until I
became calm enough to be able to rationally talk to the children about their
behaviour (cause I hadn't been doing that all day anyway!!!!) I think
too much of the advice given to parents simply do not take into account the
realities of life. Fine to have a break from everything, go for a walk
and so on, but some women just don't have the chance so by suggesting things
like that only compound their sense of 'failure' because they can not do even
the simplest of tasks......
sorry for rambling...that is why I hadn't said
anything to date cause I knew I would not stop!!! but I will have to
go.
gotta go and yell at the kids!
just kidding...
love Jo
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Tuesday, May 18, 2004 4:27
AM
Subject: [ozmidwifery] more baby
stuff
Taking up Marilyn's point of looking back and wishing for
more hugs I had a woman in her 80's look at me with Ena in her sling and
tell me how lucky we mothers are today because we are allowed to cuddle our
babies. She said she wasn't allowed to do that with her babies instead feed
4/24 and put into the cot crying till the next feed. No wonder women get
stressed. I can't bear to hear Ena cry and I would get no sleep if I tried
to put her in her cot when she wasn't ready. She is as determined as me.
Sometimes I do put her there when I think she is asleep and she gives me a
look as if to say "what do you think you're doing?"
I must say when I am out and feeding or holding Ena I have
ready helpers. People, both male and female, get you your food, drinks,
make sure you have a seat etc, and sit near you to talk and entertain you.
These things are so helpful to a new mum and make you feel part of the scene
not something that should be hiding in the corner.
It is also great to hear all of the stories of parenting
from different times, backgrounds and environments that pop up on this list.
It adds depth to all of the theoretical stuff written about babies,
parenting etc.
Thank you for the positive feedback from my rave
yesterday. It is certainly a learn as you go job. I think working 21 years
of shiftwork certainly helps you be a bit accustomed to lack of sleep but
what I had never factored in was that unquestioning desire to attend to your
baby even when you are tired or whatever. Nature was wise to include this in
the package!!
Jackie
