> Kerry should lose Licorice the hamster. > > Carl G.O.P. QUESTIONS KERRY'S HAMSTER HEROISM [by Andy Borowitz]
Rodent Story 'Doesn't Add Up,' Mass Email Claims A mass email from the Republican National Committee is questioning whether or not Democratic nominee John Kerry actually saved his daughter Alexandra's pet hamster, Licorice, from drowning during a family boating trip as Ms. Kerry has claimed he did. The email, with a subject line reading "Kerry Hamster Story - We Smell a Rat," was sent to over two thousand news outlets just hours after Ms. Kerry charmed the Democratic national convention with her tale of the Senator's hamster heroism. In the email message, the G.O.P. quotes an unnamed witness who claims that not only did Mr. Kerry not save the rodent's life, but he may have actually been responsible for its premature demise. According to the witness, Licorice was "breathing normally" when Mr. Kerry pounced on the hamster and administered "unnecessarily forceful CPR" in an over-the-top bid to appear heroic, breaking several of the hamster's ribs and puncturing its left lung. Speaking at a fundraiser held by the Creative Coalition in Hollywood, Mr. Kerry defended his daughter's version of events and was joined onstage by several veterans of the boating trip during which Licorice fell overboard, a group Mr. Kerry called his "band of brothers." But perhaps the most vehement defense came from wife Teresa Heinz Kerry, who told the gathering, "The Licorice story is true, and if you don't believe it, you can shove a live hamster in a secure, undisclosed location." Mrs. Kerry's remark drew long and loud applause from the Hollywood crowd, especially from actor and "Pretty Woman" star Richard Gere. [I don't get the joke in the last line.] Jim Devine
