<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->

<---------------------PHWeekly Joke Ezine!--------------------->
<-------The Little Sister Of Purehumour Joke Ezine------>

PHWeekly (aka Purehumour Weekly) is now residing at the
home of Paul's Fun House (http://www.paulsfunhouse.com)
PHWeekly features the BEST Adult humour on the net...in
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Running really behind today...just enough time to let you know
that I am going to attempt to get next week's issue out early
as I am away all weekend.

Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, SunAmy, Stan,
Wayne, Gene, Marina, Suzanne, Kim.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>

Lets start with a quickie:

How do you tell a Polish ladder from a normal one?

The Polish one has the word STOP stenciled on the top rung.

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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Act Stupid
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Hide N Seek In Prison
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1. What's the Cuban national anthem? Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
2. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
3. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong."
4. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other? A speech impediment.
5. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half-mast? They're hiring.
6. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because they're not
going to work in the future either.
7. What do you call an Arkansas farmer with a sheep under each arm? A
8. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car
only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and
Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
9. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A
southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage,
along with a recipe.
10. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say FUCK? Get
another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
11. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern
fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
12. My, my, how time have changed.Years ago...When 100 white men chased
1 black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan; today they call it the PGA
13. Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on
the good rides.



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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------

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----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1940 Alain Calmat France, figure skater (Olympic-silver-1964)
1942 Carole Wells Shreveport La, actress (Pistols n Petticoats)
1945 Itzhak Perlman Tel Aviv Israel, violinist/polio victim
1945 Leonid I Popov cosmonaut (Soyuz 35, 40, T-7)
1945 Van Morrison Belfast, singer (Here Comes the Night)
1949 Richard Gere Phila Pa, actor (Breathless, Cotton Club)
1952 Rudolf Schenker heavy metal rocker (Scorpions-No One Like You)
1954 Tula [Barry Kenneth Cossey], Engld, transexual (For Your Eyes Only)
1957 Glenn Tilbrook guitarist/vocalist (Squeeze-Tempted)
1958 Edwin C Moses track star (hurdler, Olympic-gold-1984)
1959 Rachel Dennison Knoxville Tn, actress (Doralee Rhodes-9 to 5)
1961 David Chastain heavy metal rocker (Chastain-Rule of Wasteland)
1963 Reb Beach heavy metal rocker (Winger-17)
1970 Debbie Gibson Brooklyn NY, singer (Only in My Dreams)
1977 Paul Garber helped establish Air & Space Museum in Washington DC

.....and on this day in history:

1950 Dodger Gil Hodges hits 4 HRs & a single in a game vs Braves
1954 Census Bureau established
1954 Hurricane Carol (1st major named storm) hits New England, 70 die
1955 1st microwave TV station operated (Lufkin, Tx)
1955 1st sun-powered automobile demonstrated, Chicago, Ill
1957 Malaya (Malaysia) gains independence from Britain (National Day)
1959 Australia defeats US for tennis' Davis Cup
1960 Agricultural Hall of Fame established
1962 Trinidad & Tobago gain independence from Britain (National Day)
1965 House of Reps joins Senate establish Dept of Housing & Urban Develop
1968 6,000 die in 7.8 quake destroys 60,000 buildings in NE Iran
1968 Private Eye magazine reports a John Lennon & Yoko Ono album will have 
a picture of them nude on the cover
1969 25,000 attend New Orleans Pop Festival
1970 Lonnie McLucas, a Black Panther activist, convicted
1970 US defeats German FR for tennis' Davis Cup
1971 Dave Scott becomes 1st person to drive a car on the Moon
1972 Olga Korbut, USSR, wins olympic gold medal in gymnastics
1973 1st heavyweight championship fight in Japan (Foreman beats Roman)
1977 Aleksandr Fedotov sets aircraft alt rec of 38.26 km (125,524')
1978 Symbionese Liberation Army founders William & Emily Harris plead 
guilty to 1974 kidnapping of newspaper heiress Patricia Hearst
1979 Comet Howard-Koomur-Michels collides with the Sun
1979 Donald McHenry named to succeed Andrew Young as UN ambassador
1980 Poland's Solidarity labor union founded
1983 Edwin Moses of USA sets the 400m hurdle record (47.02) in Koblenz
1984 Pinklin Thomas defeats Tim Witherspoon for the WBC heavyweight title
1985 "Prakas" sets trotting mile record of 1:53.4 at Du Quoin, Ill
1985 Night Stalker suspect that terrorized S Calif captured in East LA
1986 Aeromexico jet & small plane collide kill 82
1986 Soviet passenger ship Adm Nakhimov, collides with a merchant vessel
1987 Curtis Strange sets golf's earning for the year record ($697,385)
1988 5-day power blackout of downtown Seattle begins

2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/

The little girl had just listened to her mother's
reading one of her favorite fairy tales.

"Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales
begin with "Once Upon a Time...?""

"No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes
they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little
late at the office tonight..."

----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------


Check it out
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------

"Right now in Spain, it's the annual Running of the Bulls. Followed,
of course, by the Soiling of the Pants and then the Burying of the
-Craig Kilborn

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always
alone, come in on a fairly regular basis.

After the second week, he made his move.
He first asked her what her name was and
she replied, "Anni."  The he offered her
a drink and she greatfullly accepted a
Bloody Caesar from him.

Now he figured he was getting somewhere,
so he invited her back to his place for
a little bedroom polka.

"No thank you," Anni replied. "This
may sound rather odd in this day and age,
but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet
the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man

"Oh, I don't mind too much," Anni said.
"But, it has my husband pretty upset."

-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------

A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
issue...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at:

Ok, which way is it"? Asked Porky.

The dogs realized that with no landmarks their
sense of direction was lost. They looked back on
the small pile of rubble that covered the basement
they hid in. Each of them wondered if they should
just go back.

"I say we head west." Announced Sam.

"Fine, which way is west"? Ralph asked gruffly.

"Just follow me."

The pack quickened their pace as Sam lead the way.
It really didn't dawn on the dogs that the familiar
hills and rocks they used to jump on were no longer
there. They traveled the flat earth just hoping they
would see something.

"Sam" Prince said meekly. "We're not going to find
the creek are we"?

Sam didn't reply. He couldn't reply. He knew what the
others knew; everything they had ever known was gone.

After what seemed like hours of trotting the dogs
stopped and just looked around. The scenery hadn't
changed. Nothing looked any different from the place
they were at before.

Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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Wendy: Okay, today's Friday.  Where's your pay

James: I already spent all my pay.  I bought
something for the house.

Wendy: What?  What could you buy for the house
that cost $480?

James: Eight rounds of drinks.


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------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------

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<A Classic!>

A young couple are married and celebrated their first night
together, doing what newlyweds do time and time again all
night long. Morning comes, and the groom goes into the
bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.

He asks the bride to bring him one from the bedroom. When
she gets to the bathroom door, he opens the door, exposing
his body for the first time to his bride so that she can
see all of him well.

Her eyes go up and down and at about midway, they stop and

Pointing to a small part of his anatomy, she asks, "What's

He, also being shy, thinks for a minute and says, "Well,
that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asks, "Is that all we have left?"

--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------

It may be no accident that the word "menopause" invites the association
"pause from men."

  -------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------

What clown type was originally developed in the United States?

A. Mime
B. Hobo or tramp clown
C. Whiteface clown
D. Gothic clown


What was the first circus clown act?

A. Billy Buttons
B. Ronald McDonald
C. Bozo the Clown
D. The Little Tramp

<Answers in Next Issue!>

Last Issue's Answers:

Apes are highly intelligent primates. How many species of ape are

B. 13


Hippopotamuses are often called river horses for what trait?

D. Their noses have special flaps that close when they go underwater

 Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net

A man traveling at 130 mph on the interstate
was stopped by highway police.

"Sorry, officer" said the driver, "was I
driving too fast?"

"No, sir. You were flying too low."

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it!  You co-operation
is expected.>

A hillbilly was on trial for making moonshine
whiskey. A young neighbor of his was being
grilled by the prosecutor.

"Did you ever get any whiskey from him?",
asked the prosecutor.

"No,sir!", said the neighbor.

"Did you ever get any from his wife?"' he

"No, sir.", said the neighbor.

"Did you ever get any from his daughter?",
asked the prosecutor.

The young neighbor thought a minute and said
"Your Honor, are we STILL talking about  whiskey?".

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>
---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------

New feature will be here NEXT week!


Do you love PHWeekly?  Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a>

--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------

Did you hear about the guy who was in love with two women and couldn't
decide which of them to marry? He went to a marriage counselor and the
counselor asked him to describe his two loves. The confused guy said,
'One girl is a great poet and the other makes delicious pancakes.'
'Oh,' said the counselor, 'I see what the problem is. You can't decide
whether to marry for batter or verse.'


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A guy goes into a hardware store. He flags down
an employee and asks him for a file.

The employee points to a file at the right side of
the cabinet, "You want that bastard?"

"No," says the customer.

The employee points to a file at the left side of
the cabinet, "You want that bastard?"

"No," says the customer.

"Well, what do you want?"

The customer points to a file in the middle.
"I want that son-of-a-bitch right there."


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I was helping my friend make dolls for her
grandchildren. As we were painstakingly
finishing a dimpled knee, the phone rang.

"Hi, Mom, what are you doing?" came my
son's cheery voice.

Removing pins from my mouth, I answered,
"Making babies."

There was a moment's silence at the other end.
"Oh, Dad's home?"

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------

A Chinese couple who walked around town handcuffed
together to show their love have been mistaken for
escaped convicts.

The man, identified only as Mr Wang, had apparently
returned to Shanghai from Japan to visit his

He took her to Hangzhou where he produced the handcuffs
and locked their wrists together saying it was the most
popular way of expressing love in Japan.

The Straits Times, reporting the Shanghai Morning Post,
said as the couple walked around the town they were
arrested by a group of policemen when a tourist reported

Mr Wang told the police he had bought the imitation
handcuffs from a roadside stall in Japan.

The couple promised not to do it again after being told
it was an offence to use police items, imitation or real.

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>

Sam was walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the

"Twenty bucks," she says.

Sam has never been with a hooker  before, but he decides what the hell.
They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on

It's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," Sam answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," replied Sam, "neither did I until you shined that light in
her face.

-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------

[||||]     C R O S S    Y O U R    H E A R T     [||||]

Rumors continue to churn that Hooters is seriously considering the
acquisition of Vanguard Airlines.    (Newsweek)

Flying Boeing wide body 36-DDs one would assume.

Copyright  2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.

A millionaire throws a massive party for his fiftieth birthday.
During the party, he's a bit bored and decides to stir things up a
bit. He grabs the mic and announces to his guests that down in the
garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white
sharks in it. He offers anything he owns to anyone who will swim
across that pool.

The party continues for some time with no one accepting his offer,
until suddenly there's a loud splash. All the party guests run to
the pool to see what has happened, and in the  pool a man is
frantically swimming as hard as he can. Fins come out of the water
and jaws are snapping and the guy just keeps on going.

The sharks are gaining, but the guy manages to reach the end and he
leaps out of the pool, soaked. The millionaire grabs the mic and
says, "I am a man of his word, anything of mine I will give - for you
are the bravest man I have ever seen. So, what will it be?" the
millionaire asks.

The guy grabs the mic and says, "Why don't we start with the name of
the person that pushed me in!"


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Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother
Joel were sitting together in church.

Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not
supposed to talk out loud in church."

Joel asked "Why? Who's going to stop me?".

Angie pointed to the back of the church and
said, "See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."


Why do blondes get confused in the bathroom?

They have to pull their own pants down.


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The Birds and the Bees and Noses
by Lynette

My baby, my eldest, my cause to celebrate the second Sunday of May
in new and special ways, my reason for living and motivation to
carry on, my 11-year-old son is starting middle school.

His sister, my pumpkin-pooh, my sweet little girl with golden hair,
my last brush with the wonders of childbirth, my 9-year-old daughter
is in her last year at elementary school.

Alas, the pre-hormonal years are ending at our house. Yes, I have
two children, male and female, entering the dreaded teenage years
when hormones rage and brains shrink. If that wasn't enough, I'm
seeing all the signs that the post-hormonal years are just around
the corner for me. My skin is sagging, my voice is dropping and my
patience is MIA.

If my husband has any sense at all, he'll just leave now and come
back later when it's all over. Actually our marriage is at that
perfect stage.  Our looks are declining at the same rate as our
eyesight.  We think we both look good, although a little fuzzy,
and we worry about the same things.  We think a wild night is
butter on the popcorn, a rented movie that is not a cartoon
and staying up past 10:00pm.

However, we are very unusual in that we are close in age. I've
seen the show-biz couples today and I just have to wonder, "What
were they thinking?" I am 20 years younger than Paul McCartney.
I always thought I was too young for Paul yet I still waited
patiently through his Linda years.  He STILL managed to marry a
woman younger than me.  I'm also too old for Eric Clapton, Keith
Richards and Steven Tyler of Aerosmith.

Imagine my surprise. Now I see old Han Solo is with Ally McBeal.
With his eyesight, he probably thinks she's Carrie Fisher circa
1976.  The scary part is that she can totally see all of his
wrinkles.  She probably thinks he's Chewbacca. According to those
examples, my 9-year-old daughter is just right for Matthew Perry,
33, but too old for Lil' Bow Wow, 13.

If I'm ever single again, I figure I should start cruising the Wal-
Mart pharmacy.  It seems to be the hangout for older studs, which
apparently is my target group. But what really freaks me out is that
Michael Jackson is reproducing again. I think I've got it figured
out now.  Remember the Woody Allen movie, "Sleeper?"  At the end,
they try to clone the dead leader from the only body part to survive
the fatal accident: the leader's nose.

I submit to you Exhibit A: Michael's nose. It's not there. I a
convinced he is currently breathing through Play-Do. Think about it.
Yes, I believe, he cut off his beautiful black man's nose and made
his children.  Why else would he name two of them, "Prince?" They're
the same kid! Answers a whole lot of nagging questions, if you ask me.

And, it's a lot more believable than Michael Jackson having sex with
a woman.


Lynette is the writer and creator of the website: www.lynetteisfunny.com.
She lives in Bend, Oregon with her husband and two children. Her family is
the main comedy source for her column although she is not above making up
something just to be funny. Email Lynette at [EMAIL PROTECTED]

Your article length submissions are welcome...send your
humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a>
Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and
may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed
written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour.
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